Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 42

Each day I have had to find a new source of strength and when I do find that source of strength I know that I can get through even the horrors I find here on death watch. I never meant to use this venue as a whine session; I at first only wished to show the public at large what a man who has been sentenced to die faces in his last days. I cannot say that it is a glamorous life by any stretch of the imagination. This is not some Hollyweird movie that glorifies or romanticizes the life of a killer. Besides which I am not a killer. Everyday I live among these men, I talk to them, I have grown close to a few, and I may even die among them but one thing that no one can ever get me to claim is the title of killer. I regret the deaths of the two men that sent me to this place and if possible I would resurrect them both to their loved ones and remain in prison, but unfortunately death cannot be healed, neither can it stop the next man from killing if he so desires.

I have survived on the most prolific death row in the world: I will not glorify this place, as it is not a place that has any redeeming qualities at all. Not so with the men who have found their way here. I will not say that each man here regrets his action or that there is remorse for what they did, but does this mean that he should be murdered> I just wonder at this way of thinking as a deterrent to crime. How many people have come through the doors since I got here? How many men stopped to think about the death penalty? I know that there are many who killed in the heat of passion and would never again raise a hand against another of there were given a life sentence, but no they are sent here to exist as a non-entity until their appeals run their course and the great Texas killing machine is oiled up to devour yet another man. Oh wait, yes now it is all clear to me, maybe the next murder by Texas, set for the 30th of March will be the one that Texas has waited for, the one that vindicates their blood lust all these year. I view Texas’ death penalty like an arrogant child who has been told that they cannot do something of course they will dig in their heels and kick and scream that it is their right to do as they wish. Where is the ‘parent’ to show the child that they are wrong? I thought that the US government was supposed to protect and serve us in the capacity of a parent figure. I fear what will become of us as a society if we continue to allow ourselves to remain parentless. Who will save us? I have nothing more for today.