Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 41

I have come to the realization that I am just one of those people that is destined to be abandoned again and again by the very people that have professed their love for me. It started when I was but ten years old my mother told them to take me away. I spent so many years wondering what was wrong with me and why my mother had me sent away. Then I met and fell in love with Nichole, she forced me away and while this is not strictly speaking “abandonment” the feelings were the same, I wonder to this day why she chose those other men over me, was not my love enough for her? What did those men give her emotionally that I was not able to give? You’d think I’d have learned not to allow my heard to bleed for another woman, but along came Samantha who came into my life soon after I was rejected by Stefania, to promise me forever, and by forever she meant until she found it necessary to carve out my heart to wear around her neck as a bauble. Then once more Stefania came into my life to tell me that she too would stand by my side until the sun burned out, and stupidly I believed her I find that I have not heard from her in quite some time. I do not understand what it is about me that has these women leaving me to my fate. Is the execution too hard for them to handle? Am I so loathsome a man that they want nothing to do with me? Do they find their feelings for me repugnant? How can I ever allow myself to feel love to another woman ever again? Is my desire for love so great that I believe in the idea of love more than the love itself?

I am not unlike most everyone else in that I too need and desire love from another. I have friends that love me and that have supported me since they first came into my life, I have now heard from two step-sisters that I do not know, one of whom I have met once years ago when I was first arrested on these charges, they both have sent me their love, but will they like so many in my life abandon me? I have so few people that have stood by me for this. I cannot tell you how many pen-friends over the years have just stopped writing with no explanation as to why they no longer wished to correspond with me. I cannot begin to tell you that when this happens I begin to believe that those twelve people were right and that I do not have any redeeming qualities about me. I am sorry if it seems as if all I am doing is whining and bitching about my poor life. But this is the way I feel today.

Most of you out there can relate to the feelings I have been describing here, have had someone that just left for no reason and left without caring what impact it had on you. I know that my own children have had those thoughts when they think of my own leaving. I would say to them that I am so sorry for putting them through that, and had I had it all to do over again I would most certainly not leave them without their father. I know that through this journal I have found supp0ort from many people who wish to see me get a stay or even better to get clemency and go on to live out my life even behind bars, but I ask now how many of you will remain to me if that does happen? Will you all fade as time goes by? Can I count on any of you to go through that life behind bars with me? I cannot expect it from each and every one of you, but to know that at least some of you will still be by my side if that comes about is enough for now.