Using Time

“Time, why you punish me?” This is the opening line to a well-known song (Time) from the 90s. A famous group by the name of Hootie & the Blowfish sing it. Back then, it was just some twangy song I never had any interest in. Since then, my taste for music has evolved. Now when I hear it, I’m amazed by the substance in it. One would think it was written for or by a prisoner – even more so for us guys on the Row. Time is what we’re up against.

Guilty or not, we’re in America’s belly of the beast. We’re one of the millions in prison, or in my case, thousands on the Row. Our ultimate goal is redemption; another shot at freedom; one more chance to walk beyond the walls/gates. Reaching this finish line sane, whole, is another goal unto itself. It’s hard to stay positive minded in a place with so much negativity focused there.

Time is against us prisoners every step of the way. The fact we age means we can grow weary with time. We can become exhausted mentally with the nonstop legal battles. We all know the court system moves on a fluctuating timescale, too. There are moments when it seems as if it’s moving all too fast. Other times, it’s moving way too slow, especially when it comes time for a wrong to be righted.

What a prisoner does with their time is personal. I mean, I’ve never been one to tell another how to live their life. My mantra is simple pertaining to this: To each his own. However, I wholeheartedly believe anyone with good sense will agree with me on two basic outlooks. One, continuing to act, speak, and live the way you did prior to your arrival here will not get you home quicker. It’s actually counterproductive. Two, there’s a difference between doing time and using time.

Doing time is akin to living a rote life while in prison. You wake for count, eat, sleep, and go through regular routines absent positive activities. People play cards, chess, and basketball, or watch TV all day. They also gamble, do drugs, and constantly scheme as ways to pass time. For them, doing time is merely existing in prison minus the belief their future is bright. For me, it’s a sign of submission. It’s as sign you’ve accepted this as your fate. Therefore, you see no point in using time to your advantage.

Using time is the act of doing something constructive with yourself while incarcerated. The options can range from participating in groups, to working, as opposed to sitting around daily. You can reach back to the youngens coming through and drop some gems on ‘em. Simply view the encounter(s) in a way you wished game was dropped on you as a wayward youth. You can also focus on personal goals that could elevate you mentally, physically, emotionally, educationally or spiritually. You CAN set the lofty goal of transforming lives by beginning to be the change you’d like to see.

Let me restate the obvious. A very important aspect of using time centers on self. You are the lead actor in this play we call life. And it’s your opting to change, grow, evolve as a human being that sets the stage. If we’re in prison, we clearly weren’t carrying ourselves in a right way out in the free world. We were out there speeding through life, running all the red lights. Now we’ve come to a stop sign and sit idle at an intersection. We can step on the gas and keep going down the road we’ve been traveling. Or we can take the road less traveled making the next move our best. We can do so by looking deeply in the mirror first.

How many of us have had the chance to truly dissect ourselves in the free world? When have we sat down, looked at our life, and figured out why we are as we are? I hadn’t. Few of us, if any, have engaged in such introspection. Now that we’ve been sat down, we have the advantage of time to do just that. Anyone who chooses to use their time productively must make this their starting point.

Looking at yourself means exactly that. Reflect on past mistakes, pains, and hurts. Your upbringing will no doubt play into the picture. So comb through your past and figure out what it is that makes you tick. Identify your weak points (i.e. demons). You may not be able to shake or break ‘em entirely, but you can learn to tame ‘em. Next, identify the good parts within you. Instill a belief of “I can!” Then go about living in a way few people could ever believe except you. This way of thinking equips you to face your time with honor and dignity. It gives you the power to maximize your time bravely. How so? ‘Cause it is YOU who has chosen to turn your pain into power through your usage of time.

After being buried behind these walls for 16 and a half years, it didn’t take long for me to choose between doing or using time. “Time, why you punish me?” is a line I could have easily adopted. Maybe if you knew why I was here it could help you understand. In short, I killed a plainclothes cop in a mistaken belief he was going to kill me. Time is meant to punish me. A lot of people will automatically think, “You’re never going home.” Am I?? Yes, I’m a realist at heart, but I’ve always been ever the optimist, too. The idea of never going home is something I DO NOT dwell on in here. Instead, I’ve chosen to focus on that which is in my control.

What’s in my control is how I respond to this situation. I could accept this as my fate and continue on a path of self-destruction just doing time. Or I could embrace every challenge thrown my way. It is I who decides! My love for self has propelled me to dig deep, fight back, and let my light shine unlike ever before. It began with a self-analysis. Then it morphed into studying the law as it relates to my case. I spent my first two years on the Row treating it like a 9-5 job. I’d work on it 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, faithfully. I became married to my case.

Once I locked in on the law, I transitioned to personal goals. I enrolled myself in the G.E.D in-cell study when no one else on the Row was doing so. I worked on myself educationally to set an example for my Li’l Ones. I also continued working on myself as an individual finding peace of mind in meditation. These small steps of self-enrichment helped me find a freedom I never knew in the free world.

Sweeping changes came to PA’s Death Row and the marathon continued. Some improvements include block-out time, co-mingling with general population, access to main yard, groups, gym, among other things. The opportunity to work off the block excited me the most. I jumped at the chance to work in the kitchen first shift. I’m up before sunrise every day, had no qualms working in the world, and like to grind. It was right up my alley.

If you couldn’t tell by now, writing has been an outlet in my use of time, too. I’m not the greatest at it. In fact, everything I’ve learned with writing has been self-taught. If you had a chance to see my writing 10-15 years ago, my growth in it would be apparent. Doing a lot of reading helped me decipher structure, punctuation, and what not. Still, I have a lot more to learn and I’m open to it. I plan on taking a college course in creative writing to polish up. Why? ‘Cause my desire to grow even more warrants it.

None of us know our purpose for being. However, something has to tell you, ‘If I’ve survived
and still live, then my work isn’t finished.’ It’s what I’ve done channeling my use of time into an art. Now I ask you, what is your purpose? Do you hate or love what you see in the mirror? If you love yourself, then use your time as a reflection of it. Let your light be a representation of the beauty within you. Tip your cup over and let the good stuff pour out.