The last time I had hugged my Dad was in April 2011. The final Saturday of September 2024 I got to hug my Dad again. I don’t know if reconciliation is the proper word. I feel like seeing my dad again was so anti-climactic.
Saturday morning, I was listening to podcasts on my tablet. I didn’t believe it when the inmate told me I had a visit.
it was a bit of a struggle to get out of my pod. At the desk I asked the guard if it was me for visitation. She said yes and I still didn’t believe her.
I walk a mile to the visitation area. Twice before I had been told I had a visit and then told it was a mistake.
When the guard gives me a paper it shows I last had a contact visit in 2011. I see my name and finally believe someone came to visit me.
I start having all the feelings. I tell myself to calm down. Before I’ve imagined seeing my dad and I would tear up. I thought now that it’s finally happening, I would tear up more than a few tears.
When the door is opened I see my Aunt at the vending machine. Both of our eyes get big, and we give each other a hug. I do tear up. I ask her if she came alone, and she says my dad is around the corner.
I still haven’t checked in officially. I give my ID and paper to the desk. I’m told I’m at table three.
I turn the corner, and it takes me a moment to recognize my Dad.
When I first got arrested I was a fugitive for several months. When I first saw my Dad he had lost a lot of weight, and I didn’t recognize him. This past Saturday I was glad he had gained some weight. I’m not sure if he gained weight during the pandemic but he’s not obese.
I give my dad a big hug and I feel conflicted. I tear up very little. I also feel numb. I imagined that when I would finally get to hug him I would have so many feelings.
I feel like my Aunt hasn’t aged. She still looks the same and loves me unconditionally. To some extent I was disappointed in our stilted conversation.
My Dad says they left home at 2:00 a.m. to arrive at 7:45a.m. I ask if they gave them a special four-hour visit. They say no. I don’t know if the website has the special visit option or if they need to call the prison. Policy says if you travel more than 250 miles you get a four-hour visit.
We really didn’t have much to talk about. They didn’t have too many questions for me nor I for them. It seems like nothing has happened in our lives all this time.
I did consciously self-censor myself. I suppose I want them to think this place is a little better than it actually is.
To some extent I suppose I was in shock. when I would imagine seeing my family I didn’t ever imagine what we would talk about. I just worried I wouldn’t recognize them.
They did try to feed me lots of snacks. I had to keep telling them I’m full and I really can’t eat that much. I told them the snacks were my meal, and I wouldn’t go eat lunch.
I kept trying to bring up email, letters, phone calls, video visitation. They simply are not receptive. I have never made a phone call since I have nobody’s phone number. I don’t understand why they refuse to set up communication channels.
My dad says he’ll bring my sister in November. The last time I held her was when she was six years old.
To some extent the two hours flew by even though we didn’t have much to talk about.
I gave both my Aunt and Dad big hugs goodbye. I thanked them profusely for visiting me. This time when I hug them I don’t tear up. I still feel a little numb and don’t feel anything.
When I get back to the cell I just happen to glance in the mirror. I laugh since they didn’t mention my lack of hair. Since 2021 I’ve been shaving my head.
Before my next visit I need to try to come up with conversation topics for my sister and Dad.
No Comments