That One Word

“It takes considerable effort to see facts… while withholding judgment and resisting explanations. And this theorizing disease is rarely under our control: it is largely anatomical, part of our biology, so fighting it requires fighting one’s own self.”
– Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Maybe John Lennon was right. In fact, I really believe he was. Years ago, a friend told me about an interview he was giving when the interviewer, half-jokingly, asked him a question. “So,” he said “What did you want to be growing up?”

Without missing a beat, John replied with a single word: “Happy.”

Somewhat thrown off by John’s response, the interviewer tried to clarify. “I don’t think you understand the question,” he told him.

A smile crossed John’s lips as he leaned slightly toward the man across from him. “I don’t think you understand life.”

---

I remember being asked that same question growing up and there was only one answer I’d give. “A veterinarian,” I’d tell them with complete conviction.

If asked why, I would probably give some generic answer, like “because I love animals”. But that doesn’t really answer anything. I’m sure that many people exist who love animals and have never considered the enormous burden of veterinary school. Why, then, would I have answered in the way that I did? It’s simple: because I had no idea of what I wanted, but I did know what I was supposed to want.

Even at a young age, we become very aware of what is considered “normal” vs what is not, and our natural desire is to fit in with those norms. There is comfort when moving with the crowd and pain in being outcast. We see the decisions of the many to be good, to be safe.

The difference between Mr. Lennon’s answer and mine is one of insight and experience. He understood that the root of desire was, in and of itself, a desire to be happy. “Things” or “status” were an inadequate substitute for happiness, but had somehow wormed their way into the number one slot for being most coveted.

Would you rather have a million dollar home, or happiness? New Tesla, or happiness? Dream career? It has become very easy to equate these things with happiness, but they are not one and the same.

Our society has developed the highly profitable habit of not only telling us what is “normal” but what will make us happy. What?!

Why, as a child of only seven years old, was I already sinking my entire identity into what sort of job I would have as an adult? What will I be? A veterinarian? As noble and worthy as that may be, even if I had grown up to be one, it still would not define me as a person. Nor would it have been any guarantee of being happy.

The reason I answered that way, and would come to believe a career, job or vocation would become an integral part of my identity was, again, because that is what is normal and expected of us.

We are supposed to want the ‘American Dream’. A job, a wife/husband, a house, and a few kids. That is the picture of success in American life. I forgot the white picket fence; that’s also an important part of what should be our ultimate goal. They sure planned quite a bit of detail for what we are supposed to want.

I need to point out here and now that I have nothing against the American Dream itself. It is potentially a fine goal and I applaud anyone who has wanted it, worked for it and achieved it. My problem is with the fact that we are supposed to want it.

It takes courage to look inside ourselves with an open heart and really take stock of what we want in life. To throw off our usual conceptions and preexisting notions, knowing that anything we desire, if outside of what everyone else says is normal, may turn us into an outsider. It takes even more courage to act upon those feelings.

I grew up with typical American values and goals in life, and there have been many times that I have had what should have made me happy. Good job, great girlfriend, nice friends, and potentially much more on the horizon. The problem was that each time I got all this “stuff”, I only felt stifled. It almost felt like I couldn’t breathe at times. Was this all I wanted out of life? Why aren’t I happy? What’s wrong with me?

For years I hid these feelings. I moved forward step-by-step, hoping things would eventually feel different but they never did. Drugs and alcohol kept me numb as I moved through life having no idea how poisonous it had become letting others define what I should want.

I remember a time in my life that I made a decision to just leave everything. I had no real plan, no place to stay, no money, nothing really except one piece of luggage and less than $50 in my pocket. I had this yearning to move to Oregon from my family home in California, so I did. The freedom I felt was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. That was when I first understood I’d had it backwards for a long time.

It took most of my life to figure out one simple truth that helped free me from my cycle of misery: There is nobody else in this world that is responsible for making me happy, and there is no formula to follow. I need to decide for myself what I want out of life and be willing to blaze a trail to get it.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I like that question these days because I’m really able to give it some thought. No matter how I make a living, where I sleep at night, if anyone ever calls me dad, or anyone else calls me husband, I know I will mean it when I respond with that one simple word. “Happy,” I’d tell them and smile.

Jonathan Loppnow