I learned abuse at a very young age. Before the age of two, I’d seen my mother beaten and thrown downstairs. I was made to stand in the corner with wet, pissy underwear on my head for hours when I wet the bed I have been beaten, molested, abused, degraded and made to told I was stupid, worthless, and a failure. I was all alone and came to believe I’d never be good enough, so I quit trying. I had no loving father figure in my life after I turned two, when my parents split. That lead to men coming in and out of my life but nobody to count on or depend on. My family was not religious. We didn’t go to church, but as a boy I met a young man who invited me to attend with him, and so I went a few times, but soon quit because I was just going to impress the other kids.
My stepdad was great at first, until he found out I sucked at sports and lost interest in me. He would say things like, “Children are to be seen and not heard” or “Speak only when spoken to.” But what really made me hate him was, “Do as I say not as I do.” There was a specific day that he said that to me and something broke in me.
Some time passed and on February 1, 1991, I found myself locked up for murder in the juvenile detention center in Houston, Texas, waiting to be certified as an adult. I was 16 years old and scared, but not wanting anyone to know it, so I acted tougher than I felt (and surely tougher than I was). It was there that I began experiencing racism. In one instance, Black kids wanted to punish the white kids because the Black kids were going to TYC. (Texas Youth Commission – prison for kids). Not cool getting knocked out by my own spades partner. He got up to go to the restroom and I’m waking up in my cell not knowing how I got there until I realize I’ve got a big knot on the back of my head. I never even knew it was coming. Something else that made it crazy to me was WE WERE WINNING the game we were playing. So, there were fights I lost and fights I won. I kept on learning through it all. While I was waiting to be adult-certified, there was a volunteer chaplain who would visit and talk with us. I didn’t want to talk to him, but I didn’t have the courage to tell him no. As I listened to him week after week. I heard some things I liked from him but I mostly agreed to be agreeable. Sure, I got caught up in some trouble, but I wanted to be a good kid. I prayed the sinner’s prayer, and I lived as a Christian, still trying to believe I was a good kid doing a life sentence. It was there, on the San Saba unit, in 1994, when I began having the same troubles, property going missing, and getting into fights. I was like, God, is this the best you got for me? If so, I can take better care of myself than you are! So, I chunked up the deuces.
Shortly after, I left God and the San Saba unit for the Hughes unit, which proved to be more of the same. I got in all kinds of fights, including one where I got part of my ear bit off. Then, six months after the Telford unit opened, I got shipped there in January 1996 and things really changed. That unit was full of gang members, which was not like other places I’d been, but this was different. I was introduced to the gang life and came to call it family. There were some good times, that’s what draws you in, the good times. But that’s all an illusion, a leech slowly sucking the life right out of you. Bad choices and poor decisions, one right after the other, but I didn’t see it at the time because things keep clouding my mind – drugs, tobacco, money, and so-called respect. Then one day you wake up finding yourself in a place you never wanted to be, like I did when I found myself in segregation charged with the crime of Capital Murder. But this time the county is not picking up the charges the state is. SPU (special prosecution unit).
At this time my dad is back my life and really looking out for me. He’s pushing me to turn my life back to God and we went round and round about it. I gave in for my dad. I prayed and dug back in, but once again when I needed God and the Christian volunteers, they turned on me and let me down. I came to Texas Death Row, and lived my life the way I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, where I wanted, and that caused me to get into a lot of trouble.
While I was stuck back here, life outside rolled on, and in early June of 2007 my great grandmother passed away at the age of 97. Then her son, my grandfather, who was the greatest man I’d ever met passed, away at 77. Almost a month to the day, my mother was killed at age 43. My aunt told me at a visit that it was at the hands of my stepfather. Then I found out that the woman I love with all my heart is playing love games with me and I don’t know how many other inmates. I really stopped caring at that point. Nothing mattered anymore. I started getting cases, staff assaults, and living in the hole/level three. On July 27, 2021, I was sitting on my bunk, looking down, and I said to myself You got yourself sitting here on Texas Death Row by making poor choices and bad decisions.
I knew I didn’t have the answers, so I cried out to God, hoping HE did. Now you’ve heard about the bad but let me share some of HIS goodness and how it came about. The first thing that really affected me was HIS forgiveness. But what was the hardest thing for me, was forgiving myself. Because I never felt forgiven. Then I learned that our thoughts, feelings, and emotions will and can cause us to lie to ourselves. Sometimes they can’t be trusted. That means it doesn’t matter how I feel, my feelings are not important. I just need to be open to receiving what is being given to me. And once I received it, I can give it to others.
Here’s something I want to share with you about God and my expectations. My expectations and demands of God let me down time after time, but that was not God letting me down. It was my will, my selfishness wanting God to do things my way! But God is GOD and HE works according to HIS time and purpose, which is always what’s best for me even if I can’t see it or understand it in the moment. To submit and surrender to GOD means being obedient to HIS will and trusting HIM that is most important.
Upon this realization, my life began to change so quickly, honoring HIS word, and HIS ways. God revealing HIMSELF to me. Seeing the Holiness and Glory of God, HIS love overwhelming me. Feeling the power and presence of HIS Holiness humbling me to truly understand what Isaiah meant when he said he was undone a man of unclean lips. God continues to correct me. The more I surrender and obey, the more HE is wll to use me. I have now completed all classes given in the faith-based program, graduating with honors. I am now the coordinator for the new faith-based section, mentoring, leading, and helping the men around me by serving them daily. I do that by being a living example of God’s word, loving my neighbors and encouraging them both in class and in our everyday lives. I’ll do that until God calls me to do or go somewhere else. Thank you for your time. I would like to say if you have not known the forgiveness of God, please let me offer it to you right now. God is a loving, good father who pursues us even in the midst of our sin. HE is there choosing us, calling us, wanting a relationship with us. I ran for 27 years came back to HIM on the 27 of July, the anniversary of my mother’s death, and I came to death row at the age of 27. The number 27 symbolizes to me new beginnings, spiritual awakening, and inner strength. It is also a reminder to stay positive and have faith.
If HE will do it for me, He’ll do it for you. Just say this prayer: Dear Lord Heavenly Father I come to you in prayer asking you to forgive me of my sins. I believe you died and were raised on the third day for me, make me a new creation in you taking away my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh and give me a new spirit so that I will be consumed by you. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus! Amen!
Welcome to a brand-new life in Christ!
Much love,
Will Speer #999398
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