Change
By Robert Barnes
It takes a lot to change when you already like who you are. But the truth I never really knew who I was and at 39 I’m still discovering more about me. My first jail time experience was at 14 years old. I made a lot of faulty decisions based on the concept that I deserved better without putting up the efforts to do this. I could have listened, should have listened, but in the end, I am a product of my choices.
As a child, I didn’t have all the answers but that didn’t change the outcome. I can remember visits from CPS because I had a wetting the bed problem, but sometimes we went without water and lights. There is no excuse but I want you to know that the steps to greatness don’t always start off great. CPS wanted to take me from my mom and when I was angry with my mom, I thought it would be a good idea to let them take me.
I remember after a bad spanking from my mom, I threatened to call the police and CPS on my mom because of something that I probably deserved it for. All I can do is tell you my experiences. I am not an expert on these issues. Please take my words at face value. If they fit what you know, I can relate to you. So at 14, I was placed in a holding cell without a mattress in a cold room. I won’t tell you I wasn’t scared and angry at my mom for not saving me because once the police caught me, I told the officer he couldn’t do anything about my crime but call my mom.
Let’s just say he proved me wrong because at 14 I had a probation officer who I felt was hard on me. When we are wrong, we always blame others for our mess-ups. As bad as my experience was, it didn’t stop me from continually breaking the law. I look back now and see a chain effect. Because of my crime, I have to deal without ever being in my boys’ lives and CPS is still in my mom’s life. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be the drug dealer I took pride in being only to get 40 years for being with an underage child.
What makes me different from others is I don’t mind telling you where I slipped up at. I am 39 years old and won’t see parole until 2039 if I’m lucky. I’m tired of seeing the prison full of young lost people so if my words will help a few then it’s worth it. All I can do is thank CPS/God for giving my children to my mother even if I don’t feel I deserve it. I’m a drug dealer, an abusive husband, an addict and now a child molester but all I can do is try to help people if I can.
The most hurtful thing is when I speak to my two sons on the phone. Is Daddy in jail!! Which that hurt for sure but how did one explain to a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old that by the time they see you again they will be adults. Talk about hurt but all I can do is keep living.
At this point in my life, I work on being the best father I can be. My mother knows what I did but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Even if I am released, I will be a sex offender for the rest of my life and can’t be around my children. I still have bad days but I just stay focused on what I feel is important. My dreams are to be something special. A journalist, an author, and a poet. My views are different from others and we all deal with judgement differently.
I can understand some people might not like my views or understand them but I mean well. We can only help ourselves be better people if we work together. I share with you who I am, not to be judged, but to give you some insight on why it’s so important for me to change the way I look at life. At some point, I will have to explain to my boys why I couldn’t be in their lives. Life in prison has been very hard for me because of my charges and the fact that I am a black transgender in transition.
I pride myself on how I taught myself how to read and write in prison. When I came to prison, I had a 5th grade reading level. Now I have 8 novels, 13 short stories, and a memoir, plus many essays on topics dealing with prison. When I speak, I speak from experience on what I learned doing time. I spent over half my life behind bars as a kid and an adult. I have been sexually abused in and out of prison as an adult and as a child but I’m still strong.
I grew up in a broken single parent home, so when the gangs came around, I joined the Crips just to be cool at the time. Now that I’m a sex offender and a transgender, I have been beaten, raped, and talked about by the same guys that should be my friends. At this moment, I am writing you from protective custody on the Boyd unit. Since I’ve been in prison since 2019, I’ve been on 5 different units because of the abuse. I explained to the prison official that it’s hard to be rehabilitated when you’re the enemy of all.
But against all odds, I stand firm to give you this message. You can be all you can be. Prison shouldn’t stop you. Haters shouldn’t stop you. The ball is in your court. You don’t have to take my word for it. Just never give up. Thank you, be good, and have a good day.
As a Child
By Robert Barnes
As a child I didn’t expect this, I didn’t grow up wanting to be a criminal. My mother raised me right but without a positive father figure things turned out bad. When the first sign of trouble came, I didn’t think of it as trouble. It may have been fun but it cost me a lot of drama. Growing up in the hood doesn’t offer much in response to help but with food stamps and WIC I liked an ok life.
With all the medical issues I had I couldn’t help but to be in home setting most of the time. Momma tried as people like to say but I still didn’t see all the drama. Now my mother has to mother my kids while I serve time. That isn’t a good feeling, I can tell you that. I get by, by being honest with myself. As a child I made a lot of mistakes that didn’t end well and I still pay for as an adult. My heart goes out to those who are still struggling in the moment.
I can remember not knowing half the words in the short sentence. Now I can write as good as anybody. Being an author/writer wasn’t in my plans but I’m still here with you at this moment. I gotta tell you, you can do anything you put your mind to if you try hard. But as a child I didn’t know what I know now. Wish I did. Things could have been better. I always knew right from wrong even though I still did wrong in the eyes of God and the law.
When I came up with the idea of (life of crime) I was dealing with a lot. There’s still more to mystery, but I hope it turns out better than it has been for so many years. Being a complainer isn’t in my future. I just keep on pushing. I’m not a child anymore but life is full of surprises. I pray for a better future but at the moment I’m a man, a father and a son. Being all in one is a hard task but I make much effort to progress.
It’s not silly when you say you become a man in the judicial system. My life reform inside prison. Once again I make no excuse but I’ve been a seeker of the truth no matter how painful the subject. I just want to bring light in the world anyway I can but in order to save others I have to change myself so the benefits are perfect for me in the end.
But as a child I was restless left to protect the flock. If I’m strong it’s because I fought many battles so that means my losses did add up. As a child I didn’t know any of this but as a man I know much better. If I’m honest with myself which I most am, then I know I’m not perfect but still trying to be better. The pains of my past life turn into reality as I move on but I still carry on. I fall under many categories but I am human no less. If you look inside my past you might know me never ever it’s a learning process we all have to pass. I would like to thank those who gave me a chance to express myself through my writing.
The poems you are about to read come from a small topic I call “The Rhythm Within”. I try to balance my mind but sometimes the Rhythm Within me produces music or just soft silence. It helps me during this trial I am dealing with. I hope you enjoy my Rhythm Within.
Living in the Moment
By Robert Barnes
The sound of thunder, the smell of rain and fresh grass,
places a mind in the middle of a pasture.
There are so many things hidden behind our eyelids,
when we are awake our brains are in sleep mode,
always hitting the snooze button for a few more seconds of peaceful silence.
To live is to escape out of the things we cherish,
like sitting in traffic, praying the light turns green,
road rage softened by the many screams,
while we entertain the rear view or social media,
forgetting to focus while driving.
It’s the small things we hated the most,
that becomes our Christmas list or the wish factor.
If just for a moment we can live in the past,
our future will be better or so we think.
Lonely Moments
By Robert Barnes
With every angry stroke, the lonely painter dips the wet brush to the empty canvas,
eyes are in a meditative state, only the fingers do the walking,
living by feeling, not by sight or sound that distracts.
In the invisible atmosphere,
the world isn’t the most important piece of the black universe,
parts of the sun and the moon become tiny particles that makes stars.
Depression, anger, pain and loneliness transforms the love of the artist.
Aggression, love, lust and desires push them forward.
There is no race or gender or creativeness behind the hands of the artist.
At the moment of no return, all things become renewed,
eyelids lift to inspect the dark places inside the mind of the lonely souls.
Freedom
By Robert Barnes
The true meaning of Freedom
Goes beyond chains and fences,
Our mind held us captive before the
Body registers.
We have power to fight for spiritual freedom,
Even then we give up our human rights.
The battle becomes unfairly fought
When we lose all we have,
No need to point the finger of blame,
Unless it turns in the right direction,
The challenge is to see our freedom for
What it really is,
Its not cages, freabws
Or 6 by 6 cells
The true meaning of freedom is you!!
True Peace
By Robert Barnes
When I close my eyes I see the world
For what it is,
Sometimes I travel down lonely country roads,
I see many wild trees begin to hide the sun,
My visions are full of power lines,
And telephone poles,
Cows behind unmaintained fences,
The sound of rubber tires against
Black top road whisper,
As I travel deep into the country side
The wind forces me to live in the moment,
Sometimes staring at nothing can give the
Best picture of all,
The solitude of silence speaks words of pure
Truth,
This is the meaning of freedom yet must think
of it as loneliness,
The world has much to offer these prepared
To witness,
Things that appear out of reach.
Silence Within
By Robert Barnes
Silence symbolizes peace,
It’s the stillness we seek,
But never understand,
Sometimes the things we can’t control,
Floats around inside our bodies,
Invading our simple minds,
Giving us invalid suggestions,
All while pretending to know our
True being.
Silence symbolizes true peace,
At times we desire a little piece,
Of sanity when it matters most,
The temple we calm should be a
Place of peace,
Shared with the universe of firmes
But its not the outer focus that
Cause us discomfort,
Most moments, it’s our inner demon.
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