Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 76

One more day closer to insanity. I have tried to stay positive and keep hope alive. Then the day passes with no word on a stay of execution and the hope dies within and the insanity grows once more. How soon before I am talking to the walls and they actually answer back? I have heard it stated that if you question your own sanity then you are not insane. I am beginning to doubt that statement. I am spiraling down into darkness. I know this and cannot do anything to stop that downward spiral. Knowing helps not at all. I do not think I will ever be the insane person who makes a hand puppet with my sock and listens to it’s every utterance as if it were the word of God. There are so many degrees of insanity/ I know of only a single cure for the insanity I feel growing within me, and that is to be granted either a stay of execution or to have my sentence commuted to life. Then I feel that will no longer have these insane thoughts. It is a subtle thing, my insanity. I guess it may just be the thoughts of what comes next after the poison stops my heart beating. Is there truly a kingdom of gold as it is stated in the Bible? Is there a Hell awaiting me because I am a mean and nasty person? Is there only oblivion, a rotting piece of meat in the ground and nothing else? The only ones who really know the answers to these questions are the dead and I cannot seem to get any straight answers out of them. I have heard so many people telling me, “everyone dies…” well until it is them who has to lie on a table and just wait until that poison drips into their heart, I cannot listen to them. I do not fear the actual killing (murder) the state will perform upon me, it is what comes after that has me lying in my bed in a cold sweat at night. I feel that if God truly has a kingdom of gold that I will be welcomed, albeit to the slums as, lets face it, I am not a high class kind of guy here. But the Bible states that the poorest in Heaven are richer than the richest man on Earth. That is something I could definitely live with.