Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 51

I have just returned from the visit room. I am on an emotional high. The visit today was better than the one yesterday; I believe it was because my mother and I spent the day in laughter rather than in tears. Not to say that there were no tears involved, but they were not the tars of deep-seated sorrows. I still hated to see my mother’s tears as hers brought my own tears. I am not a man to easily allow my tears to flow yet that is not to say that I am totally emotionless when it comes to the feelings of my loved ones.

I have had several family members show an interest in coming to visit me now that I have a date, which to be completely honest makes me angry. I mean where were these people when I was forced to live here without moral support? Well at least moral support from my own family embers. I had so many people who would support me. Even though most of these people would sooner or later leave me to my fate. I have a couple that have been with me for years in moral support. I would normally refuse to see these people but I wish to not die with any harshness within my family structure so I will place them onto my list to come and see me, if I am unable to gain a stay I will be able to say my farewells to those who loved me on this life.

I cannot blame them for living their lives; I mean it was not them here. I should be more sympathetic towards them for their lack of moral support. I mean it wasn’t easy to see me here I guess. I also believe that many of them truly thought I would not die here. I too thought this. I still hold out hope that I will live past the deadline of May 12th, but if not, then I most certainly want to die with my loved ones around me like anyone would.

I think of this date like a terminal illness. I feel the worst for my mother who has already buried two of her four children. Not only is she watching my slow death at the hands of the state, but she also has to watch my children watch and that is tearing her up in a bad way. I please ask anyone of you that is of a praying mind to keep my mother Beth Vargas in your prayers. Thank you.