Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 38

As these days pass I am finding it harder and harder to find things to write about. I feel I have expressed my angst and despair and my glimpses of happiness very well. I do not know how many times I can tell you that this place is full of people that are waiting to die and that the very air seems at times to be filled with fear until you too are filled with that self same fear. So I think that today I will attempt to lighten the mood by telling you about an infatuation that I have had for going on eleven years now.

The first time I heard the song “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I felt something stir within me, yes, I am talking about Britney Spears! All the men on death row that know me also know of this infatuation with Britney. I do not know what it is about her that has captivated me so. I DO believe she is one of the most physically perfect human beings I have ever seen in my life, but this goes deeper than the physical. I have read everything I can about her and some people here laughingly call me a stalker because of my obsession with her. I think that she is searching for someone to love her for her, not for her money or fame, but for her as her. When she married that guy Jason Alexander I truly think she married him because he saw her as her, not as the superstar. I am not sure why I have decided to tell you about this, maybe I am hoping that someone out there reading this knows her and will forward the information on. Hell a few years ago I sent to a lawyer firm a portrait I drew of her because they claimed that I would receive a personalized picture from Britney herself. I got nothing in return.

I am quite aware of the fact that this makes me look like a crazy person to many of you out there, but that is fine with me because I am who I am and have long ago stopped caring what other people thought of me. I do not claim that I do not want other people to like or even love me, but when it comes to what people think, I do not care, I feel we should accept people the way they are and not as we would like them to be. So I will die with my infatuation of the woman I find intriguing sexy and not to mention of the best pop singers of the generation. I feel she will be as big as Madonna was in the day. Crazy or not I hope this entry doesn’t change anyone’s mind about me and if it does, well I can do nothing about it. I just wanted to give the readers a glimpse into my head to try and know something personal about me that has nothing to do with my date and dying. I want to think of other things sometimes, things that help distract me from this. Listening to music helps me do that. I listen to my radio and one station in particular to hear a Britney song. I sign off for today…52 days to live.