There are a number of key things to good relationships that we often hear about, but may seldom give lengthy, serious thought to. It’s as though we expect them to be simply because they cross our minds as desirable, ideal qualities. These keys, although basic, are not fundamental values in many relationships. And what is meant by fundamental values is that even in relations where these keys are missing, a lot of people attempt to get by without them. Of course, the illusion of success is never long-lived. These key things are:
- Communication
- Honesty
- Overstanding
- Trust
- Timeliness in addressing problems
Communication in any relationship is the most vital key to realizing a potential for intimacy, and it is only through communication that intimacy can develop. This isn’t to say that communication between all couples is bound to lead to intimacy, but that without communication, there will definitely be none.
Communication is a path to deepening awareness of who we are, who our partner is and what we have to offer, can receive from, and value in each other emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The more open and honest the communication is, the clearer is the pathway–as long as two people are definitely not incompatible.
All of us have heard that a relationship can’t work without communication, but imagine how many people let those words flow into one ear and out the other without any effective absorption into the brain or memory bank. In any relationship where there’s a communication deficit, both people need to try to acknowledge what it does to detract from intimacy and happiness, as well as be conscious of the potential between them that is being wasted. There are simply too many relationships where the potential for happiness is great, yet they fail to blossom because people don’t choose to work at communication, honesty, overstanding, trust, and timeliness. They don’t consciously make a commitment to express themselves, as well as encourage expression from their partner. They don’t consciously make a commitment to express themselves, as well as encourage expression from their partner. It’s as though if a relationship doesn’t come with everything it’s supposed to have, then people tolerate it as long as they can, then simply move on to the next one. Little, if any, effort or work is invested. In a sense, many people harbor the idea that good relationships should come like fast food hamburgers—ready-made with all the condiments. The concept of responsibly working, especially through communication, to make a relationship good is hardly considered. In other words, many feel that if they have to work on a relationship for better communication, then it’s not really meant to be. This is a very naive and narrow perspective to have toward other human beings—whether it be lovers, friends, relatives, or spouses. Communication is vital to healthy interpersonal relations in all forms and should be actively valued.
Honesty is essential to a relationship’s communication being meaningful, and therefore, to the relationship being real. Without honesty, the feelings and emotions existing between two people are a pretense on the part of one or both.
It can be very difficult to acknowledge this, but accepting the truth about ourselves is a prerequisite to our ability to be genuinely honest about who we are to others. In many relationships, people are simply afraid to be completely honest. Afraid they may expose themselves to shame, ridicule, rejection, vulnerability, etc. It could be any number of things. This is why overstanding and trust are so important. Whether personal fears are rational or not, people are more willing to be honest when they anticipate being overstood and have some trust in whom they express themselves to. It should be overstood, however, that in any relationship we are all at any given time always vulnerable to a number of possible hurts. And, it is engaging and moving forward, despite vulnerabilities, that actually reward us with the joys, pleasures, and gifts of being intimate. Remember that it is our ability to grow and be honest through love and friction, pleasure and pain, success and failure–that allows us to be happy and healthy human beings.
If the communication in a relationship isn’t honest, then naturally the relationship isn’t well-grounded and is prone to eventually face the condition(s) of turbulence and wreckage. Honesty is a key to building up a relationship’s immune system, therefore making it not vulnerable to unnecessary vulnerabilities caused by dishonesty.
Make it a conscious choice to be honest and to also help others feel confident that they can trust you with their honesty; that they can expect you to at least try to overstand and vice versa. Honest communication promotes real intimacy.
What I refer to here is an unconscious pretense. The desire for unity with a partner is so basic to human nature that our minds are highly capable of creating the illusion of that unity without us at first knowing it. In today’s society, this is generally what happens with love by chance. People tend to perceive romance and infatuation as genuine love, then the longing mind takes over and creates the unconscious pretense in an effort to sustain the illusion. It is, at bottom, an irresponsible way to engage in a relationship. You may fall in love by chance, but at some point, the responsibilities of love are going to arise—then, you have to choose to love by choice or the chance of lasting love. Without that, people will not evolve. To the contrary, the relationship will be characterized by emotional conflict and strife, no matter how much you or your partner cling to the pretense. There will be a spiritual separation instead of a fulfillment of the deep desire for unity.
People drift into relationships all the time, lured by the love of chance. They may marry, and it becomes an unhappy marriage. Sooner or later, we may hear about a long, rocky marriage coming to an end. Well, a marriage can only be long and rocky if one or both people, for whatever reason, never choose to take responsibility for emotional and spiritual evolution within the relationship.
People who simply drift into relationships by chance, never having made the choice to be responsibly committed to principles, fulfilling expectations, etc., always leave the door open for rationalizations. For example, they didn’t know you would or wouldn’t be a certain way, or do or not do a certain thing. So, since they didn’t really choose to be with a person like you, they feel justified in being however they want to be: emotionally detached, adulterous, unsupportive. The list goes on. In other words, because they drifted into the relationship by chance, they never really commit to any deeper responsibility in the first place.
This is why it’s so important for us to know whether or not whatever we do is the result of choice, including becoming a partner in a relationship.
It goes without saying that life is too short, and genuine love is too rare, to leave either to chance.
There are relationships where differences simply can’t be resolved, so divorce is inevitable. But for the vast majority, it’s always a matter of egocentrism and irresponsibility, and it is those relationships that this writing tries to illuminate and encourage people to outgrow by choosing to be responsible for emotional-spiritual evolution within their relationships and within themselves.
Learn to appreciate the profoundness of choosing to love someone. Align with your SELF if you haven’t already, and fulfill your search for unity.
Silent Child, Crying Soul
As early as the age of 9 or 10 years old, my stepfather began physically abusing me. He would regularly tie me up and beat me; on one occasion, he burned me with an iron. I would run away often to escape the beatings. I spent those cold and sometimes rainy nights sleeping in broken-down cars, empty laundry rooms at different apartment complexes, and on several occasions at neighborhood parks.
I was eventually taken away from my mother and stepfather at the age of 13 years old and placed in a co-ed shelter (L.A.Y.N. in Hollywood)—for kids just like me, followed by a multitude of group homes and lockdown facilities. While at these homes and facilities, I experienced the same treatment I endured at home with my stepfather. Due to my childhood, my mother and I never had a mother-and-son relationship. Those beatings that I endured as a child and throughout my teenage years had lingering effects and symptoms of childhood trauma throughout my adulthood. During my current incarceration, I’ve discovered ways to heal from the past, stay sober, and to see myself and others in a new light.
Since my incarceration, I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself. I’ve self-published an eBook (SafeStreetArts.info), my essays and poetry have headlined the websites of Minutesbeforesix.com and John Hopkins University. I’ve earned 25 certificates, and I’ve earned a university certificate in Leadership & Management from Southern Utah University, Dixie L. Leavitt School of Business. Earning a university certificate is one of my greatest academic accomplishments. Given my background, I am very proud of what I achieved. I wasn’t a good student as a child; it was very difficult to focus on anything besides my problems at home.
As of lately, I’ve had a strong desire to learn something new, that I’m interested in and that’s different, despite the setbacks and my current circumstances. I haven’t given up on my education. My education is finally something positive. It has given my life meaning, hope for the future, and I am a passionate, disciplined student.
After close to a decade in prison and not breaking—grit is embedded in every fiber of my being. It’s who I have been since a child: A survivor. I adapted to my environment. I’ve endured because “the fire inside me burns brighter than all the fires around me.” We all have the inner strength to survive and adapt to our surroundings. We are predispositioned to survive. I never give up on or quit anything positive in my life. Whether it’s a goal I’m trying to achieve, friends, or relationships.
Three and a half years from today, I’ll regain my liberty. My plans are to reintegrate into society by self-paroling to Reno, Nevada, a city that I’ve never been to, a city that I don’t know anything about, where I don’t know anyone.
MY FRESH START AT LIFE!
My short-term goals are to further my education (my biggest fear is being released from prison after being warehoused, not having marketable skills), to write and complete 2 to 3 books annually, and save money on my inmate account to use upon my release for clothing, shoes, housing, I.D. card, cellphone, laptop, hygiene, transportation, etc.
My long-term goals are to become a Realtor upon release, followed by a serial entrepreneur—to establish my own publishing company and an in-house advertising agency, real estate investment firm, and owner of an online e-commerce website.
Since my incarceration, I’ve turned over a new leaf. I have experienced a lot of personal growth and I have completely given up my criminal mentality. I now realize my faults and everything I need to do to mature as a man.
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