The world was a different place when I began my federal incarceration back in 2013. Now that I am finally reaching the end of my sentence, I have to deal with returning to what seems like a different world than the one I left. While I have been locked away in an environment that rarely changes, the rest of the world has moved on. So while I am excited to be finally released, I also have some fear that there will not be a place for me or that I might relapse into negative patterns.
While I don’t claim to keep up with all of the latest news, it seems like most of what I hear is negative and depressing. Wars, mass shootings, the crazy political climate, corruption, and wild weather due to climate change are always in the headlines. The country has become more polarized around issues of race, gender, sexual orientation, abortion, and political party affiliation, just to name a few.
On the positive side, there are people fighting for more inclusiveness and acceptance for those of different races, genders, sexual orientation, and religions, and they have made some significant progress in the last 11 years. The world is finally starting to take more seriously the issue of climate change and there seems to be a greater attempt to reduce carbon emissions. Finally, there have been a lot of technological advances including artificial intelligence (AI), that if used properly, have the potential to make a positive impact on our world.
All of these changes have me both excited and fearful, particularly as I will be re-entering society with some very negative labels, being both a felon and a “sex offender.” I wonder how I will manage to fit in, feel safe and thrive in this new world, especially since I didn’t feel able to fit in in the old, familiar one. I know I have missed out on a lot the last 11 years, and I suspect it will be challenging for me to get back to living a “normal” life.
But the good news is that it’s not just the world that has changed, I have as well. Even before my arrest, I was living in a prison of my own creation- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve used my time of incarceration to work on myself, overcome my demons, and reclaim my power. I am no longer the scared, hopeless person I used to be and I’m ready to face the challenges life has in store for me.
In this essay, I’ll discuss how the world seems to have changed since my incarceration and how I hope to adapt to these changes and thrive in this new world. Some of this feels like bravado, like I’m trying to convince myself I’m going to be all right, but that feels better than shaking in my boots and trying to hide.
Technology
Technology has made some significant advances since I entered prison. To put these changes in perspective, when I was arrested in 2012, I used an iPhone 4 Plus on a 3G network with download limits, the “cloud” was new, most people did not own a tablet or a smart TV, internet connection speeds were significantly slower, and AI was still relegated to science fiction. At the time, I considered myself to be reasonably tech savvy, but after over a decade away, my skills are now outdated.
Improvements in technology have definitely made life more convenient. Being able to ask Alexa or Siri when looking for information is easy and effective. With streaming services, you can watch TV 24/7, binge watch an entire series in one sitting and never run out of programs or movies to watch. Video games have amazing graphics and are more encompassing than ever. Between phones and tablets, you never have to be offline. Technology has also made it easier than ever to work from home and avoid those frustrating commutes. Finally, AI has a lot of exciting possibilities for gathering information and solving problems.
I find most of these changes to be very exciting and plan to jump in head first to this technology soon after I’m released. I really don’t anticipate much of a learning curve as most technology is reasonably intuitive and user-friendly. I do, however, anticipate two major hurdles when it comes to me and technology, one external and one internal.
The external challenge comes from technology restrictions related to the terms of my supervised release (the federal version of parole only much longer in many cases). I was convicted of receiving child pornography and the terms of my supervised release include no internet access. In the 12 years since my conviction, the world has become so reliant on internet access that it’s nearly impossible to operate without at least some connectivity. My probation officer has the option of allowing me monitored internet access so my challenge will be to advocate for myself to get the access I need. I can also petition the court if necessary. I have learned over my years of incarceration that I cannot be passive and that I have to stand up and fight for what I need in order to be successful and this issue is worth fighting for, if necessary.
The internal challenge relates to my need to moderate myself when it comes to technology. My online pornography addiction prior to my arrest, even the legal pornography, was clearly not a healthy use of technology or my time. Not only did it land me in prison, but it took time away that I could have spent with my family or pursuing other healthy activities and it made my life miserable. That same addictive tendency also has the potential to lead me to spend too much time online, playing video games or watching TV. In prison, I have developed a healthy routine of exercise, reading, and oil painting and I cannot allow the temptations of easy entertainment to move me away from those positive activities.
My resolution upon release is no pornography of any kind ever again. I know that’s easy to say while sitting here in prison where the temptations and opportunities are much less, but it really boils down to the fact that, for me, the costs far outweigh the benefits. I will also have my parole officer, counselor and family to keep me from backsliding. For all other technology, the key for me will be moderation and the determination not to neglect my relationships and other important activities. I also plan on using some creative time management like exercising while watching TV, which will have the added benefit of keeping me from snacking, another of my favorite vices.
Overall, I look forward to getting back up to speed with technology and enjoying the benefits, but this time in a more responsible way.
Social Media
When I got arrested, Facebook was the big thing in social media and Twitter was just starting to catch on. Now you have those plus Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, and I’m sure many others. I enjoyed the ability to reconnect with people I hadn’t talked to in a while or to see what friends were up to, but I can’t claim to have ever been a real hard-core social media user.
But it seems like nowadays social media has become a key part of many people’s lives. They have several social media accounts that they update often throughout the day and check on the latest feeds to stay in the loop. It’s also where they get a lot of their news (fake and real) and a source of social interactions.
But social media is not just for connecting with friends and acquaintances, it also allows people to connect with others that they would normally never have a chance to meet, like celebrities and politicians, who have followers in the millions. That is exciting. Social media can enable people to feel part of something bigger than themselves and allow people all over the world to connect in a way that’s unprecedented. People use social media to spread information on important causes or to fight against injustices. It can be a very powerful tool for change.
I want to be part of that. Unfortunately, like any tool, social media can also be used in a destructive way. There have always been bullies at school, but now with social media, there is cyberbullying that kids can’t get away from, even at home. Character attacks, spreading of misinformation, polarization, internet trolls, racism, sexism, judgmentalism and exclusivism thrive on social media. Obviously, these activities have been around long before social media, but now they are able to reach a much larger audience. Also, since social media is not face-to-face and can also be anonymous so it is easier to dehumanize others and be more cruel than anyone would ever do in person. Now all this scares me.
So how am I going to handle social media when I get out? There’s a good chance I may have some restrictions on my social media usage when I’m released, at least for a time. However, assuming I’m able to use social media at all, I plan to use it sparingly at first and focus on using it to reconnect with people and as a supplement to phone calls and in person meetings. I admit I have a lot of reservations about being on social media, because, due to the nature of my crimes, I will be putting myself out there for abuse by trolls or even former friends or acquaintances, and it brings up a lot of feelings of shame for me. However, I’m not going to let that hold me back. I have paid my debt to society (and then some) and am not going to let others take away my right to live my life again.
As time progresses, I may try to branch out into other areas like joining groups for hobbies I enjoy or causes I support. I might even try an online dating site at some point depending on how well I do meeting people on my own.
No matter what I choose to do, I will make sure I am only connected to people that have a positive impact on my life and challenge me to be the best person I can be. I intend to use social media to the extent it improves my life and stay away from its negative aspects. And if I do run into people trying to drag me down, I will get emotional support from those who love me and move on. I will not let fear of other people’s opinions control my life anymore. Amen.
Climate Change
Climate change has been talked about long before I got arrested but it seems like weather patterns continue to become more extreme as the years have gone by. Drought conditions in areas that used to have plenty of moisture, what seems to be an increasing number of damaging tornadoes and hurricanes, forest fires burning out of control, and increasing global temperatures and the melting of the polar ice caps all have me concerned about the world I’m returning to. Where is it safe to live?
On a bright note, more people are waking up and starting to take this issue seriously. There has been an increased push towards electric vehicles to help reduce carbon emissions, although I wonder what we will do with all the worn-out batteries. There have also been great strides in using alternative, cleaner energy sources like solar and wind. People are waking up to the danger and trying to do something about it.
So, what do I plan to do about climate change when I’m released? Be conscious. In the short-term, I plan to focus on the basics like trying to conserve water, using low wattage bulbs, trying to buy energy-efficient appliances and turning things off when they aren’t needed. I will also use my bike or walk to places when practical and drive a reasonably efficient vehicle.
In the long-term, I will get myself better educated on the topic to see how I can make a real difference, including joining advocacy groups and just getting more involved. I will no longer be a person who sits back, worries and complains without doing anything. I now understand, if things are going to change, it’s up to me to join with others to make a difference.
Family
During my incarceration, my already small family has continued to shrink. My mother just recently passed away, I lost my last grandparent while in prison, and I have only one uncle left (the one that doesn’t talk to the rest of the family). My only child refuses to talk to me. Everyone is getting older and struggling with health issues. This worries me. My family has been a major source of help, support, and connection for me during my incarceration, particularly as I don’t have any friends left from my old life, and I fear losing that. On the positive side, I look forward to getting to know my niece, who is now 12, who I haven’t seen since she was one. So that’s cool. But, of course, what will she know about me, and will she accept me?
When I’m released, I plan to make the most of the time I have left with my family and not take that time for granted. Other than the usual holiday gatherings, I intend to be more proactive in calling and getting together with family members, both individually and in groups. I will be more available to help and support them as they have done for me. I am ashamed to say that I have never been to Phoenix to visit my sister, and she has been there since the early 2000’s, so that is high on my priority list once I am allowed to travel.
And now that my father is a bachelor again, I will spend more time with him and maybe do some traveling. I will continue to try to rebuild a relationship with my son, but I accept the fact that it may never happen and I won’t let his rejection drag me down, if it continues that way. Finally, I will look to build other relationships outside of my family. It is important for me to have a balanced life and not to have to rely just on my family for social connections. I think that’s pretty scary since I was rejected by a lot of non-family members when I was incarcerated.
Unstable World Environment
There was already plenty of unrest in the world at the time of my incarceration, but it seems like it has continued to escalate in the years since. The war in Ukraine seems to be never ending. China is poised to take over Taiwan, and who knows where that will lead? The violence between Israel and the Palestinians has been brutal, though there may be an end in sight. The U.S. and Russia are involved in another cold war and Vladimir Putin’s actions are unpredictable. North Korea. Iran. Terrorism. Cyber-attacks. It sometimes feels like the world is on the verge of destruction.
A lot of these issues are out of my control, and I have to admit I feel the key for me is to watch less news. Throughout history, there have always been people claiming that the world is on the edge of destruction, and yet we are still here. Our news channels emphasize the bad as it makes for better ratings but I believe that there are still a lot of good, reasonably stable people in positions to keep the crazy ones in line. I hope it’s true. Plus, there’s not much I can do to change things so I choose not to worry about it. What I can and will do is support and vote for caring and sane leaders for our country.
Politics and Government
I have a confession to make, this is not the original version of my essay. I always have my sister and counselor read my blogs first to make sure I’m on track and being honest with myself in my writing. In this case, they strongly disliked the tone of my first essay, particularly as it related to this section.
Even prior to my arrest, I was never a big fan of politicians or the government in general. However, after my experiences with the Department of Justice and the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) and having been ignored by my state senators when I tried to get the BOP to follow the law regard to my halfway house time, I have built up a lot of anger towards politicians and the government and its bureaucracies. That translated to pages of judgmental rants that no one wants to read and that’s not really the kind of person I want to be.
Going through the legal process and being incarcerated is dehumanizing in a way that can’t truly be understood by people who haven’t experienced it. However, what I’ve realized is that ultimately, it’s up to me to determine what I take away from this experience. I can become angry and bitter and ultimately drive people away or I can use this experience to become more compassionate towards others and their struggles and to make a positive impact in the world. I choose to be compassionate. And while I’m not there yet, it’s good to know that I have people to keep me on track when I stray. Progress, not perfection is what I’m after. That being said, I’m going to try to write this section again from a more compassionate, less judgmental perspective.
Elections have always been a contentious time in our country, particularly presidential elections. Bringing up politics in a conversation has always been a source of potential conflict as there are a lot of emotions attached to people’s political beliefs. However, since my incarceration, it seems like this has been taken to a whole new level. I think social media has played a part in this, particularly its use by candidates, as it makes it easier to trade barbs and get people worked up. Perhaps part of it is that President Trump has been involved in the last three elections, and he is definitely a divisive personality- love him or hate him, most people have a strong opinion regarding him. The internet also allows for more uncensored news (real and fake) about the candidates and a forum for anyone to express an opinion. All of this has led to elections that seem like a time for personal attacks and divisiveness rather than a time to reasonably debate important issues. It also seems like there has been a shadow of violence surrounding the last two elections, which I never felt prior to my incarceration.
Then there are the politicians themselves. As you may agree, it seems like the two main political parties are so polarized that it is difficult for them to effectively govern and deal with the pressing issues of the country. This has been particularly evident in the difficulties Congress has had in passing an annual budget for the last 8 years or so. When you work for the government or rely on it for some kind of financial support (like prisons), this can be a major source of stress. There also seems to frequently be politicians involved in some kind of scandal or abuse of power.
All of this makes me feel like our government is corrupt and that our country is on a downward slide, and it makes me wonder what kind of life I can make for myself when I get out. However, by putting my emotions aside and looking at the situation more objectively, I’m not so sure our government has gotten worse or more corrupt. In fact, it may even be better in some ways than it used to be. Looking back on how blacks, gays and other minorities have been treated in the past by law enforcement, the judicial system, and the government overall (for example, internment camps for Japanese Americans during World War 2), there has actually been a lot of progress made to protect people’s rights, including equal rights for women.
Are we there yet? Definitely not, but we’ve had a black President, a black woman Vice President, and many minorities and women in all levels of government. Gay marriage was also legalized so I’d say we’ve made some progress since the time of my incarceration. Do I think there are still corrupt, racist, sexist, anti-gay and anti-trans people running our government? Most definitely, and they don’t even feel the need to hide it. I would like to believe those bad apples are somewhat balanced out by others who are working hard and doing their best to protect people’s rights and make our country run smoothly.
So, it’s a scary world. Nevertheless, when I get out, I plan to support the fight for social justice and equal treatment for all. I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll get to vote again but there are still plenty of other things I can do to make a difference. For example, some of the issues at the forefront of my mind at the moment are criminal justice reform and the repeal of the sex offender registry. I believe both systems are broken, too harsh, and ineffective, which causes injustice and harm to a lot of people and their families. I would also like to get involved in the protection of the environment. I love nature and it needs to be protected so we and future generations can enjoy it.
Now here’s my commitment: Regardless of where I focus my energies, I will no longer sit back, get angry and just complain about the state of our government and society. I will be all in and fight for change. And if there are some things I cannot change, I will be proud of the fact that I tried and accept that we live in a flawed world and that people are doing the best they can. I will either continue to keep trying or change my focus to an area where I can make a difference rather than relapse into anger, negativity and judgement. Okay, so am I sure I can actually fulfill all this? And that brings us to:
Me
Of all the things that have changed since the start of my incarceration, the biggest change has been in me. At the time of my arrest, I was addicted to pornography, in an unhappy marriage, overworked, overweight, depressed, suicidal, judgmental and just overall lost. I remember wondering how my life had come to be that way and feeling there was no way out. I was drowning in self-hatred and shame.
It’s hard to even write this but, if I’m being honest, getting arrested is exactly what I needed at the time (although I don’t believe I needed a sentence of 15 years). I doubt I had the strength back then to pull myself out of my downward spiral, and I’m not sure how much longer I could have hung on. I remember sitting in a jail cell after my arrest and thinking that my life was over. But then it hit me that while my old life as I knew it was definitely over, I now had the opportunity to basically start a new chapter. In many ways, I had been freed. I was out of the context in which I was suffering and declining. This was a profound, life-changing moment for me.
Knowing that I had a chance to recreate my life, I was determined not to fall back into my old patterns. I finally started to get the counseling I needed to change a lot of my unhealthy thoughts and to come to grips and be at peace with my past. I got the support of my amazing family as I accepted the fact that I can’t face all of the challenges of life alone, nor do I want to. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s more than okay. It’s great.
Prison has been a good training ground but now it’s time for me to really put my life changes to the test. Will I be able to deal with the temptations and life stresses that dragged me down in the past? The answer is a definitive “Yes!!”. At least I will do everything in my power to make it so. I know I might fail from time to time and I know it’s not going to be easy, especially as I will have stigmas and significant restrictions that I did not have to deal with previously. However, I now have the self-confidence and the support structures in place to overcome every obstacle. And I know one thing: I have come out of prison a better man. If I can do that, I can face the challenges of being free.
So here are my promises to myself: I’m going to work hard to create and maintain healthy relationships. I’m also going to avoid pornography of any kind and any other legal entanglements. I won’t give into fear and I’ll go for it: try and create the best life for myself that I possibly can. And I will be a force for positive change and help others. I’m not under the delusion that life will be easy or that I will never experience setbacks. But I have learned how to use these difficulties as learning tools and a source for growth rather than as an excuse to quit. I’m going to try to create the life for myself I’ve always wanted because I now know that I deserve to be happy.
Conclusion
So wish me luck. While there have been a lot of changes in the world during my 11 years of incarceration, the biggest changes are the ones that have happened inside me. And so as I prepare to leave my prison cell, I am already free in the ways that really matter: mentally, emotionally and even for the most part physically. I am no longer timid, afraid and full of shame. I am strong, competent and ready and able to deal with any challenges I face, whether it be from changing technology, social media, climate change, family issues, the unstable world environment, politics and the government, or anything else. I am a fighter. I have taken back my power and there isn’t anything the world can throw at me that I can’t handle. Bring it on, I’m ready!
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