Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 4

We went to commissary today, now normally this is a good day for those of us on the row, we have so few things that are good in our daily lives. The days that we are allowed commissary are almost a celebratory day in nature. We are able to purchase ice cream and that is a rare treat back here since we are sometimes kept from making purchases for many weeks at a time. While those around me are talking and laughing, eating their ice cream, I sit and write these words to you. I have found that this is a cleansing activity for me to write my thoughts. My angst today comes from that which should make me happy, commissary. Along with the ice cream came my stamps, and the thought of having to write my loved ones to tell them I have 83 days to live has killed my hunger. The ice cream now sits melting in my sink. I just can’t eat it. How do I write my mother? I have to tell her that the day she has been dreading since that cold November night in 2000 when the jury decided that I was no longer able to contribute anything to society has finally come to us.

When a man sits on death row he can tell himself and his loved ones that the courts will grant him relief on his appeals, but they never do. The courts are a lie. You see this realization eventually come into the minds of all of the new guys after a while although some take longer than others. Yes ice cream would taste like ashes in my mouth. Do they not understand that my death doesn’t solve anything? Nobody is brought back, and they only transfer old grief to a new set of people. I leave now to go write my mother. I leave you in peace. Thank you for reading this. If any of you would be interested in writing me, I would welcome the correspondence as a distraction. I love hearing about normal things that can bring joy. Never underestimate the power of just writing someone here to tell them that they are not forgotten or unworthy. So even if you do not write to me maybe you can write someone else and show that person that they are still worth the effort.