Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 16

I have been contemplating what my life has meant up to now. I cannot say that I have left this world a better place than before I came into it. How can I believe that anyone will remember me after I am gone? Was I even worthy or their remembrance? This has led me to think about my wife. She has decided to abandon me as so many people have since I received the death sentence.

I met Samantha through a pen-pal service exclusively for death row inmates. The first letter I got from her made me not only laugh but think that there was something very special about her. I soon found that I was thinking about nothing else but her. When I say that she filled my every thought this is not exactly an over exaggeration, I found myself for the first time in my life thinking about someone else’s needs before my own. Sammy J was beautiful, funny, intelligent and above all she was kind and caring. She made me so extremely happy for two years. When she came from England the first time to visit me I was excited like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. The first time I looked into her deep brown eyes I drowned in their depths and could have never found the surface again happily! We had many good times laughing and learning about one another. I fell in love with Samantha Jane Ingram in short order. I soon found that I loved her more than I ever thought possible. I have known many women in my life and had many women profess their love to me, but I have honestly truly only loved three women in my life. The one who stands foremost on that list is Sammy J.

While I was on death row I found myself happier than I can ever remember being before, all because of a woman’s love. Then in January of 2009 Samantha’s mom does of a sudden death. I tried to be there for her but she refused to allow me to comfort her. I then attempted to give her space and most of all my understanding that she wanted to go through this alone according to her. She came to see me in April of ’09 and I thought all was good with she and I, but then after she left for England I did not get a letter from her for two months when I wrote to her she got very upset with me. She accused me of many wrongs that I felt were not truly “wrong” but she stopped writing to me, she totally removed herself from my life.

When she did this I felt as if the sun had been taken from my world. Can you imagine being forced to live in darkness after having the sun shine directly into your heart? I honestly thought of suicide, by dropping my appeals. For a long time I was despondent and felt as if my world had fallen away from under me. Even now almost a year later I think of her. It is said that time heals all wounds, but nothing short of Samantha coming back into my life will ever heal the rift that us upon my heart.

I sit here on death watch awaiting the legal murder from the state and even that cannot stop me wanting her. I think of her and wish only to hear the sound of her telling me again how much she loves me. She claimed that her love was eternal; I always thought that eternity would last longer than two years. For myself I will go to the death chamber loving my Sammy J. My love for her can never die. Even if she refuses to ever contact me and I must live without hearing her angelic voice again my love will not die. I love her more than my own life. I have often heard that expression “I love –blank- more than life itself” but I often scoffed at that, until Samantha came into my life. She brought to me love and a happiness that I truly thought was impossible then I found myself alone to face this sentence. Now that I need her the most I cannot hear her sweet voice. I cannot expect a visit from her to say those last good byes that I so badly want. Well I want to tell you that she is forever in my soul. I will die with her name upon my breath.

How many days to live?