Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 17

I believe everyone wants to be liked. Well okay I know there are those rare sociopaths that prefer to live in the dark and cut on themselves, but these people are the exception to what I am talking about. We live our lives so that others will like us and when they do not we tend to feel slighted and often find ourselves wanting to hurt those people that refuse to accept or like us. I see this kind of behavior every day here on death row. The reason I am speaking about this today in my journal is because my co-defendant is also on death watch (his date is one day after mine) and I have not been around him the entire time I have been on death row since we are both moved every fourteen days. I am amazed that he has changed so much in the time that he has been on the row. I understand that everyone changes over time, but it is not always a change for the better. I have been able to talk to him at length and I have discovered that I truly do not know the man he has become and I cannot say that I like him very much. I wish that I had met him in this incarnation because I feel that if I have I would not be here now. I cannot pretend to be the most likeable person either, I am usually a happy-go-lucky guy at the best of times, but then I can become that person who much prefers the company of himself to that of any one else.

Since my coming over to death watch I have seen the people around me try to act as though they are not facing their death as soon as four days from now (this is the next scheduled date). I understand trying to be brave in front of these others but I can think of nothing else but that date, I guess I am rambling today and hardly saying anything that is coherent, I must profess that I have indulged today in one of the practices I see around me every day now, I have been drinking homemade wine that we brew here, so please forgive my ramblings today. I too find it easier to deal with the reality of my situation when I alter that reality slightly. Does this mean that I am running from a hard truth rather than facing it? I then ask any of you, if you could face this without trying to alter the reality, even if for a few hours? It changes nothing but it does help for the nonce. I just hope than my inebriated state doesn’t change your minds against me, I need something to help me deal with this harsh reality.