Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 55

I am back once more and I have to yell you that today has been most difficult for me to deal with. Last night I had yet another dream that disturbed me no end. I seemed to be lost, at least I knew that I had someplace I needed to get to but could not, in a quagmire. The mud sucking at each step I took. Soon my feet would sink down until the mud was up to my knees. Each step became a struggle, then in the way of dreams I am climbing a hill of mud, I am clawing and crawling up this hill to get to where I need to be, mud is coming into my mouth, covering me from head to heel, my body wants to give out as I pull myself up by inches. I am halfway up the hill (that seems to grow taker every moment) when I slip and slide back down to the foot of what is not a mountain of mud before me. I decided to try and make my way around the mountain instead of climbing up the face of that mud mountain. Now the base of the mountains mud comes up to my chest and soon the mud becomes soupy until I am attempting to swim through this sea of mud. I turn and try to once more find the mountain. I figure that I have once more lost my way and the mountain was the true way to go, but as I spin in the sea of mud I can no longer even see the mountain! Next thing I know, my own body betrays me and I can swim no longer. I slowly sink down into the mud and just before my head is covered over with mud, I woke. I got up and had a cup of coffee to settle my nerves. This dream upset me very much. After a while I decided to try to go back to sleep, as I lie there thinking about that dream I just could not go to sleep as that portents of this dream weighed heavy upon me. As I sit and write to you about it now, I can feel the mud as it seeped into my mouth, my nose and began to cover my eyes. The coldness of that mud filled me until I was numb. I do not know if this portends a tragic end for me or not. I do know that I am not going to stop fighting until that mud covers me and I am sinking through the dark depths of the mire. To do any less would be to betray who and what I am.