Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 74

Yet one more time I have gotten my hopes dashed to the rocks below. My attorney sent me a letter stating that he may now be able to get me a stay of execution through the issue I have previously written about in these pages. Maybe this is just a way for me to place all faith in God’s will to grant me relief. I have prayed and prayed to God, though he stands silent in this issue. I do have faith that God will do what is best for me. I am scared of the unknown. The act of death scares me not. I have some little time to prepare myself for this. I look at each day as a present given to me by God. I know that many of you are not spiritual in nature I can understand this, but when you stand here overlooking the abyss, I think that many, if not all, would call upon God’s name to help them. I judge not as this is a choice that each must make on their own. I have only 17 days until I will know the mystery of death and what lies beyond the veil.

I very much wish I could tell you that in the days to come I will continue to write this journal but I have found that as each day passes all I wish to do is lie here and contemplate what is to come. I do owe it to you all to continue so I will write. Just be aware that I may not say things that you will see as conductive to good mental health. I think that as the day draws closer I will find myself thinking darker and darker thoughts. I want to wake each day with the news that I have been granted a stay, and each day that I do not is just another disappointment to my mental well-being. The only thing that one in my position looks for is those simple words, “You have been granted a stay of execution.” Without them I am just a corpse that hasn’t the sense to lie down and pull the soil over its head.