Best Friend
By Tyreall DeBoe
Best friend has two definitions. Some use it to indicate a tier of friendship granted to people you’d actually speak to outside of social media,
Maybe even invite to your birthday brunch.
But the luckiest consider it a title awarded to one single human who knows you well enough.
Often Best friends possess an obsessively close friendship. I thrive on oversharing so that our tightness builds with each confession,
I always want to talk about more than what’s appropriate.
I’d rather have some kind of deep conversation about dark stuff. And I found a match in you for that.
Not only was that true in friendship,
But I’ve also been captivated by your pulchritude,
You know things that feel like admissions of secrets.
No matter what you’re going through, I’ll always have your back.
I want you to think back to a time where you needed someone to be there for you as a friend and had no one to count on.
Nothing helps to progress faster than a supportive friendship.
The Path To Self – Love
By Tyreall DeBoe
If we do not choose to love ourselves then we chance the risk of never being able to.
The path to self-love is the path away from self-denial; the path away from not accepting ourselves as much as we should to achieve genuine happiness. It begins with the acknowledgement, no matter how, when, or where, that you were born a lovable human being, and within you is a spiritually evolving life force. Any ideas, beliefs, thoughts, or feelings that disturb your acceptance of this and obstruct the freedom and expression of your true self are irrational, therefor alienate you from your SELF. They subject your mind and perception to the power of illusions that only undermine your connection to the SELF.
The goal of the SELF is to evolve toward contentment and happiness. This is what many have been blocked from doing because they’ve become alienated from the SELF. Some basic steps in the path to reconnecting (self-love) are:
- Acknowledgement that you are a spiritually evolving life force. You can evolve within yourself and in relation to others.
- Identify the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that obstruct your love of SELF and keep a cloud of self-defeating illusions hovering over your mental world.
- Overstand that through consistent effort and faith in your spiritual power you can free your mind from self-defeating emotions beliefs, and illusions about your SELF.
- Have the courage the challenge and stand against whatever has made you suffer, feel unhappy, and unconstructive in the past.
- Feel within yourself that now is the beginning of your path toward self-love and improved relationships. Be consistent and mindful but work patiently with yourself.
- Overstand that negative feelings and beliefs are always profoundly emotional and that’s why our subconscious is so vulnerable to them in our childhood and youth. As adults we have the power to re-examine and reinterpret the past with rational intelligence, and sometimes on the path toward self-love this is necessary. We can’t change the past, but we can change the effects of the past by reinterpreting the meaning of our experiences.
Davidea Farber
By Tyreall DuBoe
Davidea, You’re gone.
Davidea, You were killed by a truck driver.
Davidea, I was devastated when I found out what happened to you.
Davidea, I miss you.
Davidea, I cry when I miss you.
Davidea, There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you.
Davidea, You were my first love.
Davidea, Why did you have to die?
Davidea, It’s been nine years, why can’t I adjust?
Davidea, It’s now winter.
Davidea,it’s very cold outside.
Davidea, it rained then snowed yesterday.
Davidea, this Northern Nevada weather is unbearable.
Davidea, plants are withering.
Davidea, the sun hides behind dark clouds.
Davidea, I am heartbroken.
Davidea, You’re gone,
You’re dead. Buried.
I cry when I miss you.
It’s been nine years, why can’t I adjust?
It’s now winter.
It’s very cold outside.
It rained yesterday.
This Northern Nevada weather is unbearable.
Plants are withering.
The sun hides behind dark clouds.
I am heartbroken.
I will never be the same, A piece of me will always be missing.
To My Future Best Friend & Lover
By Tyreall DuBoe
Fire flames reflecting colors off your back,
rippling light as you move into a curling wave of our self-created moisture.
I let you touch me and feel our rhythms
beat within the movement
leaping into blues and greens
coloring me from moves within your wave.
I Am From
By Tyreall Duboe
I am from Korean owned liquor stores
On every street.
I am from Baptist Churches and
Mortuaries on every corner.
I am from where mothers bury
Their children at an early age.
I am from gra ffiti sprawled
Across alley walls.
I am from where vagrants push
Grocery store baskets full of aluminum cans
And glass bottles.
I am from where baseball caps
Represent more than sport teams.
I am from where single mothers
Rely on section 6, WIC, SSI, EBT and government
Assistance.
I am from where families use the
Oven to keep the house warm during the winter.
I am from drive-by shootings, curb
Serving, hitting house licks, bank robberies,
Recycling cans and bottles are the norm.
I am from West Coast music,
Lowriders, Dickie Suits, Flannel Shirts and
Converse All-Stars.
I am from where Tommy the Clown
Got his start.
I am from where Reymond Washington
And Stanley “Tookie” Williams established the CRIP’s.
I am from where blacks and browns
Kill each other over the color of their skin.
I am from where racial profiling, gang injunctions,
Mass incarceration and police brutality occurs.
I am from where the fatherless boy
Seeks love and guidance, but finds it in gang
Banging.
I am from where the Dash, Metro, Red line
And Blue line are normal transportation around
The city.
I am from where you get harassed by
C.R.A.S.H.
I am from where you hear gun shots
And the ghetto bird every night.
I am from where ambulance
Sirens blare in the background.
I am from where airplanes fly over
Your home all day and all night.
I am from where South Central Los Angeles.
I Am
By Tyreall Duboe
I am a leader.
I am a provider.
I am a protector.
I am strength.
I am unconditional love.
I am worth fighting for.
I am genuine.
I am eloquent.
I am ambitious.
I am spontaneous.
I am adventurous.
I am fearless.
I am strong minded.
I am receptive.
I am prolific.
I am consistent.
I am persistent.
I am mature.
I am goofy.
I am peaceful.
I am an alpha male.
I am extroverted.
I am book smart.
I am street smart.
I am assertive.
I am bold.
I am a team player.
I am brave.
I am forgiving.
I am hopeful.
I am a dreamer.
I am well-traveled.
I am well-cultured.
I am well-endowed.
I am confident.
I am trustworthy.
I am frank.
I am selfless.
I am kind.
I am social.
I am free-spirited.
I am a non-conformist.
I am a non-believer.
I am unapologetically myself.
Smile
By Tyreall Duboe
Remember life happens faster than it
Seems,
And life is hard, every struggle, every obstacle…
Makes you want to scream!
But we find that with it,
Joy does appear.
Giving us the strength to face all of our Fears.
We hold dear these moments of success,
These are the moments we’re at our Best.
Don’t stress when life seems to keep you down,
Just remember, only you can turn it around.
So, round after round, put up a fight it’ll be better in a little while.
And these are the times I look forward to the most,
Because with every victory comes a beautiful smile.
Time To Think …
By Tyreall Duboe
When I think about building with someone
I think about loyalty
I think about support
I think about an-unbreakable bond
I think about healthy communication skills
I think about healthy relationship skills
I think about rare moments
I think about beauty
I think about strength
I think about ambitious goals
I think about maturity
Above all,
I think about …. LONGEVITY!
STRUGGLE
By Tyreall Duboe
Knowing nothing unless I push to my limits,
Working hard at everything I do so therefore I must finish
No gimmicks, just raw talent. Pure, one-hundred percent uncut.
I’m on the rise using all will power and no luck.
Everything I touch is beautiful, marvelous, one of a kind
Mired in heart, soul and sweat. Not east to find.
Some become blind to the harsh truths and bold facts.
Of my past and let my work now record my tracks,
Perhaps my fight inspires the spirit to commit change,
So if lives are transformed because of it,
I’d love to be blamed
Because chains can no longer hold me back,
Or keep me tied down.
My demons I defeated, look sad and all wear a grown
I’ve found in life-you push forward and not give up on yourself
Continue to believe.
No matter what other mind and eyes may otherwise perceive,
Continue on knees and know that change will come in meditation,
The universe or sheer will.
Life has broken me down, top to bottom, layer by layer
A team player, I am, I know because I’m always in the huddle
Even with change…it doesn’t matter, it never stops the struggle.
For Me…
By Tyreall Duboe
For Me…you must believe that nothing remains the same,
Known in you heart that troubled time will leave,
It’s the cause of change.
For Me…remember my loyalty and know that it will return to you,
Know that without a doubt, all that I do, I do it for you.
For Me…don’t worry or stress so much,
Know that soon I will ease all of you pain with a simple touch.
For Me…be happy and glad at all times,
Know that it could be worse, but on your face the always shines.
For Me…only for me, think about the last time I made you smile,
Now that good things come in just a little while.
For Me…talk and listen to your heart,
Know that I will be there for you.
For Me…prison is nothing that can break me mentally.
I’ll get released, know that I miss you and please put you mind at ease…if only just for me…
Relapesed
By Tyreall Duboe
I’m an addict in recovery, taking one day at a time
Looking in the mirror for something that is hard to find.
No longer do I shine, I’m dull,
Taking the first step to twelve.
Heart heavy, living in fear,
Yet I refuse to accept failure.
Been through hell, a trail that many of us can trace
I don’t want no more, it’s time for me to face the facts
Replace heartache with something else
No one can do it for me..I must do it myself!
Remember how I felt. I say I will _ove no more.
So I lock the lock and throw away the key to my heart’s door
Not keeping score, but my wins are at none
Life can’t be this hard, there has to be someone
Hold on…here she comes!
How’d she do it? Picked the lock with a smile
Smart, beautiful, strong-minded, confident,
Ambitious, mature in her thinking
And her conversation drives me wild
Style like no other, my glow is back in place,
I can relate.
Soulmate, could this really mean I’m back on tract?
You are my drug of choice…
Look like I just relapsed.
MY TRUTH
By Tyreall Duboe
I’m pursuing the truth no matter where it leads me,
I’ve pursued love even when I knew it would end in betrayal,
I sought out guidance in the streets when I was doomed to fail.
I’d buried my emotions for so many years
I’ve lost so many of my homeboys
To gang violence and cried so many tears.
So many heartaches,
So much pain,
So many lies,
That drove me insane.
Life Purpose Vs. Ideal Goal
By Tyreall Duboe
Now you know your most important goal, you should ask yourself, “what is the value of this goal?”
Remember, a goal is only valuable when the meaning we give it provide us with fulfillment. Your goal is only one of several ways you can achieve the sense of fulfillment you’re looking for, and it’s important not to confuse your goal with your life purpose.
For instance, my life purpose is to “Improve myself every day in order to live up to my full potential, and help others realize their true potential, so they can live happier, more fulfilling lives.”
For me, realizing my life purpose was transformative. I was shy and passive most of my life, but eventually realized I wouldn’t achieve my goals unless I started taking action. Without changing, I would reach my deathbed full of regret for not living the life I was supposed to, and for not having had the impact upon society I should have done. I didn’t want such an ending, so I embarked on a journey of personal development that allowed me to come progressively out of my shell.
I discovered I wanted to self-educate myself on the following subjects while I’m incarcerated – financial literacy, commercial real estate, real estate investing, sub-leasing commercial real estate, real estate investing, investing in stocks, investing in commodities, investing in mutual funds, intellectual properties, multiple streams of income, residual income, corporations, personal and business credit, tax loopholes and generational wealth. Study these subjects, learn from my past mistakes, evolve, and improve myself for the rest of my life.
If I could stay disciplined and stay patient, then I could work on myself, become more confident, and take more action, I could help others do the same. The main reason I’ve been able to start writing for Minutes Before Six, write numerous special reports, self-publish a number of e-books, is because these things are in sync with my values, and with what I want to get out of life. If it didn’t motivate me, I wouldn’t have the courage to follow through, leave my comfort zone, push the boundaries of life, and keep moving forward despite challenges, having a life purpose is without a doubt what motivated me to take action.
The idea of unleashing potential is also important to me because of the people I’ve watched miss out on their dreams. I have relatives who could have achieved much more in life, had they been able to overcome their lack of confidence, fear of failure, or limiting beliefs. Furthermore, I feel most people greatly underestimate their potential to accomplish great things in their lives.
My ultimate goals stems from my life purpose and has several parts. I want to become one of the best writers of my generation, run a successful book publishing company, uplift my community (SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES), create generational wealth for my family, become a successful serial entrepreneur and serial investor, and write books that help people unleash their true potential.
The Bigger Picture
By Tyreall DuBoe
My goal is to uplift my community. I have to study and learn the system in order to do so.
In terms of the corporate world, the power structure has a prescribed persona that they expect to act a certain way, but I am going to use their intentions against them. And while there may not be a conspiracy to hold the African American and Latino community down, the lack of knowledge of self would be beneficial to the bigger power structure.
Instead of me allowing myself to be used as a weapon against my own people, I am putting the medicine in the candy. I am going to infiltrate and gain the eyes, ears, and hearts of many people that would normally be missed by the message of financial empowerment and community revitalization.
In many ways, there are systems that are set up to perpetuate the marginalization of certain groups, but if you overstand the systems, you can also infiltrate it to your advantage.
Think about how Uber overstood the taxi system, realized that there were weaknesses and loopholes that existed, then created a multi-billion dollar business addressing that issue. As I continue to journey towards my business dominance I always find ways to use any obstacle as a springboard for my success.
I’ve came in realization with the fact that many of the billion-dollar industries that Black and Brown people have built, do not give those same people a seat at the table. Whether it’s technology, film, television finance or cryptocurrency; as an example, Black and Brown people are underrepresented to an alarming degree. This inequality could and would stop if Black and Brown people knew their worth and used it as leverage.
The reason why the Montgomery bus boycott was so effective was because Black people decided to exercise their power, which directly affected the bus company’s bottom line. There are many instances where the middle man who gets the lion share of the profits does the smallest amount of work. Knowing your worth and taking what you deserve is about overstanding this dynamic and finding ways to collectively not settle for less.
The African proverb says, “If you want to go fast you go alone, if you want to go far you go together.” Knowing your power means that you overstand cooperative economics and know that the power of the people will always be greater than the people in power.
Remorse
By Tyreall DuBoe
I hate talking about all of the criminal acts of my past. What I have done will always be a stain. Talking about it, though, was a mandatory part of therapy.
The first time I had to explore the act that put me in prison,
Started with a program called “Victim Impact”
I feel bad for the people that I’ve victimized in my past;
I feel bad that I’d betrayed their trust.
And beneath that sadness, I feel anger.
I feel angry because I can’t believe
that I was able to do those things to other human beings.
Many will look at me as being a Monster.
But that’s not who I am today.
That is part of my anger, too.
I’m not a monster – I wasn’t a monster – So why do the media portray us as acting like we were?
Most of the individuals who I’d taken that class with, took it as a joke.
They looked at it as only being something to get them out of prison.
Then they went back to our unit and acted the same as always: arguing over music, eating chili, yelling across the tier, celebrating murders on the news. I couldn’t believe it. They didn’t care.
They heard others’ stories, and didn’t care how it affected their families, the victims, the victims friends/families, or how it has had a negative effect on the communities of Las Vegas.
There was a little monster in them after all.
And if that hardness was in them, then maybe a piece of it was inside me too.
I can’t be like them, I thought. I have to be honest with myself. I have to face what I’ve done.
I wasn’t a monster. But I did do something monstrous. I almost took a life. The hardest part was acknowledging that, if I wasn’t a monster, despite what I’d done, then neither were the men in my unit.
Remorse isn’t feeling bad about what I’ve done. It’s not “accepting responsibility”. I had done that years before. Remorse is bigger. It is acknowledging that I did something irrevocably wrong, followed by the overwhelming feeling that I need to dedicate my life to making up for that sin.
It’s powerful. It’s wonderful. It’s the thing that will free me from the hate I feel
the hate only inside. Remorse is what has held me up during. times of stress and depression.
It’s what helped me through those long Crushing years. It’s a purpose, lifting me up. You can see true remorse in a person,
because it changes them.
I’ve seen true remorse in the men who’ve become deeply religious in prison, the ones who studied their Bibles or Korans every day.
I see true remorse in Richard, who found himself through helping others.
That’s one of the ways it works: reaching out to save others.
But it’s not the only way.
I don’t define myself as a gangster, a robber, or a criminal but as a fallen man redeemed.
I am a prisoner, but only in the physical sense.
I made this world my own, and in a way that set me free.
After finding my remorse, I have spent the years working, every day, to be the man the world needed me to be.
I think the administrators, the judges, the magistrates – whoever made the decisions in the system – would see that. I thought it was so obvious I was a changed man that they would some day grant my release.
There are hundreds of prisoners in Nevada who feel genuine life-changing remorse. I know dozens at Lovelock. None are getting out. Not for that, anyway.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: The change between where I was and where I am today is phenomenal. Due to many years of solitude, I was able to slow everything down and give serious thought to the subject of life and the direction of my life specifically. It refocused me, provided me with the environment to improve myself, and helped me define my priorities. Operating from past experiences is sometimes helpful. Other times, the data may no longer be useful. If I would have denied change and kept operating with my old mindset, I would never have made it this far. I started off as a child, with little to no guidance. I didn’t overstand why things were the way they were, I solved things with my fist, and communicated through aggression. I grew from that old version into a person who was open to learning new things — who paid more attention, who knew the value of being happy, and who started recognizing Source throughout the day. I encourage my readers to comment their thoughts on this essay and share it on your Social Media platforms. Also, add and follow me on Social media to view my accomplishments.
Prison Goals
By Tyreall DuBoe
Self-publish a book (done)
Create accounts on FB, X, and IG (done)
Write, edit and self-publish 3 books every year
Obtain a fictitious firm name and business license
Give an attorney limited Power of Attorney to open up a savings account and a business account on my behalf
Link my business account to my Amazon and Amazon UK authors account
Establish an AAA-1 credit rating with five banks in Las Vegas
Incorporate my publishing company and establish business credit
Create my own in-house advertising agency
Create “Yard Art” to broker Unique Prison Art
Buy/create a new stream of residual income annually
Deposit $1000 to $2000 into a brokerage account to invest in stocks and metals
Don’t waste my time on individuals who aren’t on the same page as I am
Build money generating assets
Earn 3 university certificates from Southern Utah University (working on it)
Acquire job skills
Acquire vocational training
Work on becoming a better version of myself (done)
Overcome the criminal thinking that lead me to prison (done)
Network with other incarcerated authors/incarcerated entrepreneurs
Advertise in all of the prison publications, magazines that caters to prisoners and prisoner directories
Hire an attorney to represent me during my parole hearing
Actively advocate for prison reformation in Nevada
Life Goals
By Tyreall DuBoe
Get a tailored suit
Start my own business that makes a difference in people’s lives
Travel the world
Visit every continent
Purchase a penthouse suite in a high rise in – Downtown L.A., Las Vegas, Miami, Atlanta, New York, Houston, San Diego, and The Bay Area
Purchase a helicopter for each of my penthouse suites
Create/purchase money generating assets for my nieces and nephews
Teach my nieces and nephews financial literacy
End the cycle of poverty for my family
Teach my community financial literacy through free classes and my publications
Create a non-profit organization that renovate property and puts $$$ into the hands of the individuals who’ve taken my FREE classes
Uplift the community of South Central L.A. by giving them a way to make it out of the hood
Become a lifelong teacher of social entrepreneurship
SOCIAL ENTREPRENEURSHIP:
Starting businesses that made money by doing good.
Owning My Life
By Tyreall DuBoe
Since my incarceration I’ve learned that this moment in the valley was necessary for me to get about the business of owning my life.
This brings to mind a story somebody told me: A young man went to the hospital to visit his grandmother. She was very ill. When he arrived at the hospital, he could clearly see that she wasn’t in good condition. He started to cry. His grandmother said, “Baby, I’m getting ready to leave this world.”
“Grandma, ain’t nothing wrong with you. You’re going to be all right.”
“No, Baby, I’m going to be leaving this hospital. It’s time for me to go,” she told him.
He cried and held on to his grandmother a little while longer. Before he left, she asked, “Do you know your great-grandfather’s name?”
He said, “NO!”
“You know why?” She asked.
He shook his head. She said, “because he didn’t leave you nothing. Before you leave this earth, I want you to live your life so that your children’s grandchildren will know your name.”
This story had a profound impact on my life. I knew that it was meant for me to hear those words. Her words gave me purpose. Ever since I heard them, my goal in life has been to live in such a way that my children’s grandchildren will know my name. Her words made me recognize that I have to always dream BIG and to keep moving forward if I am going to live a life in which I will leave a legacy not only to my future children, but also to my future grandchildren.
As long as I continue to wake up in the morning, it can’t be over. It’s never over. (NOW IF YOU’RE WAKING UP NEXT TO THE WRONG PERSON, YOU CAN FEEL LIKE IT’S OVER.) When you’re down in the valley, it’s time to explore and investigate the possibilities. In every dark moment, you have an opportunity to travel down the hallway of life until you find the right door for you. Even when you get a door slammed in your face, it just means it’s time to turn another door knob, and maybe another, and another. So put one foot in front of the other, and take a leap of faith. Jump to the next thing.
Along your journey, when one door closes, there’s always another door you can open. In fact, some of these doors will be slammed in your face by other people. (AND IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO WANT TO HIT THEM IN THE FACE WITH THE SAME DOOR.) Every door isn’t for you. You can waste a lot of time wedging your feet in doorjambs or kicking in doors that aren’t meant for you. The doors that are open for you are not difficult doors to walk through. You can feel when the right things/people are brought into your life at the right time because it is effortless and smooth sailing. And, suddenly, everybody seems to be encouraging you to pursue the exact same thing you were called to do.
Have the courage to walk through the door that is opened especially for you.
Do something that pushes you out of your comfort zone.
Be willing to jump even when you don’t know where you’ll land.
Your life is a precious gift that is available for a limited time only. At some point, you are going to have to choose to stop living life in fear and get out on that cliff and step off in faith. Only then will you ever be able to soar.
When you are facing adversity, you can’t waste time asking “why me?” Don’t let one door slamming in your face keep you from moving on to the next one.
Don’t let one loss stop you from believing that more is possible for you. Don’t ever give up.
Colonel Sanders opened the first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant when he was 62 years old. Nobody believed that he could do it. KFC is now the business model for all other chicken franchises. Why? Because he never gave up. You’ve got to have a piece of PERSEVERANCE to hold on to when things get bad.
Canyon
By Tyreall DuBoe
My freedom, my dignity, my possessions and even the food from my mouth. Just as you loved me, I loved you, I hated being separated from you.
I’ve been experiencing a great canyon in my heart,
A deep craving in my soul for your embrace, your voice, and even your scent.
Just being able to communicate with you could fill a quarter of the canyon in my heart,
Without you my soul is dying and feeling less powerful than ever before.
Your love is better and stronger and more real than all else.
Gratitude (dedicated to Samantha Jones)
By Tyreall DuBoe
I owe you a debt of gratitude. Since day one you’ve been honest and sensible while I remain in prison working on myself.
You’ve given me inspiration, encouragement, and support.
I owe a deep sense of gratitude to you for showing me first that if we truly want to turn away from our wicked ways,
Then create a new one.
It is possible.
Your loyalty, faith, and encouragement have kept me focused,
When the going was rough it has kept me focused to not give up on myself again.
Even when everyone else has already given up on me.
Polyamory (Life Is Cursed By Monogamy)
By Tyreall DuBoe
When I talk to people about polyamory, they often say that they don’t think that they can do it and that they’d be jealous. And I relate: I am not free of jealousy. But the thing about jealousy is that with a lot of honest conversation, it can change – and fade.
I’m not suggesting that polygamous relationships are easier than monogamous ones. If you’re going to pursue loyalty, you have to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice.
In a traditional relationship, you sacrifice the possibility of ever sleeping with anyone else again; in a polyamorous one, you sacrifice the comforting idea that your relationship structure will always stay the same.
I vastly prefer the latter sacrifice; it’s a good psychological exercise, and you’ll learn more about yourself. You have to work through jealousy rather than around it. Being able to converse about your feelings will bring you closer to your partners.
A common fear around polyamory is that your partner will fall in love with someone else and you might lose them. The bottom line is that your partner might fall in love with someone else, and you might lose the structure of the relationship you’re in now.
Think of it this way: parents with multiple children can love all their offspring equally, if in different ways, and the same is possible for romantic love. As long as all partners in a polyamorous configuration are transparent about their thoughts and feelings throughout a relationship, a shift in its structure shouldn’t come as a surprise.
Positive Delusions
By Tyreall DuBoe
For most prisoners, prison was marking time: playing basketball, working out, blasting music, gambling, drinking pruno, getting high, telling stories from the wars. They are still living the street life, starting beefs, stabbing over minor insults, playing cards/dominos/chess and being too loud. It grinds on you, being in this environment.
The psychological torture and the violence that I’ve witnessed, grinds on you.
I live with the pain of losing my childhood friends to gang violence and life sentences.
I live with the pain of waking up to hear that another one of my brothers have died in prison.
I can’t spend my life in here. I’d go crazy.
I’ve worked hard these past seven years. March of 2024 I’ll begin my eighth year.
What I’ve learned is that prison can break you in a thousand ways.
With all of the disappointments, abandonment, and traumatic events – I still believe that I’ll make it out of here. At my worst moments, I tell myself if those before me who have done long prison stints just to make it out and become multi-millionaires, then so could I.
Everyone needs something to hold on to. That’s the main reason for my Master Plan: giving myself a goal to believe in. But I need more. So I’ve started a vision board: high rise condos, mansions, McClarens and Lamborghinis, beaches, photos of distant lands, happy families, books, private jets, foreign foods, paintings, gold, diamonds, rolls of money, and beautiful women.
I call these pictures my Positive Delusions. They give me strength. I mean that: dreaming about beaches and living a life of luxury makes me strong.
Instead of worrying about all of the people and the material things that I lack in my life, I take out my vision board and think about what my life will be like once I’m released. It won’t be long before these photos are my reality. “I’ll Keep Dreaming.”
The more that other prisoners joke about me always being in my cell reading and writing, about my dreams, though, the more real they feel. I can hold them in my hands. I can see them. This is why I’m putting in the work. Why I’m learning Investing, Real Estate, Accounting, Math, Business, Marketing, Advertising, Healthy Relationships, Communication Skills, Negotiation Tactics, Taxes, Branding, Human Relations, and Ways to Create Generational Wealth.
It’s the reason why I’ve grown from the person that I use to be.
I am going to be on those foreign beaches in Africa, Greece, and Brazil.
I am going to have a Powder Blue McClaren, the penthouse, my family won’t have to stress about the lack of money, and they will never have to work for money again.
I am also going to be working with my hands, creating, making beautiful collages out of the broken, cut-up pieces around me.
Yes, the pictures on my vision board are my dream. That’s where my Positive Delusions started. But making the picture is the dream, too.
It’s the action, not just the reward. It’s being the artist, not just admiring the view. That’s the endgame. Do you overstand?
The more time that I spend working on my Positive Delusions, the better I feel. And the more convinced I am that I will get there – to that happy life – one day.
All I have to do is keep going.
My Game Plan
By Tyreall DuBoe
Forget about my fake-ass friends
Learn a new skill (done)
Work out six days a week (gain thirty pounds
of muscle)
Attend weekly therapy and resolve my issues
Identify my faults that led me to prison
Always seek advice
Remain a lifelong learner
No gambling
No horseplay in public
Always dress neat
Mind my own business
Learn how to speak real English
No junk food
Invest in Stocks
Invest in Mutual Funds
Invest in Commercial Real Estate
Travel the world
Purchase a McClaren (Powder Blue)
Purchase a pair of Powder Blue Prada gloves
to wear in my McClaren.
Join the mile-high club
Drive dune buggies through the desert
Party in South Beach
Go on a helicopter ride
Go to New Orleans
End the cycle of Poverty for my family
Become a multi-Billionaire
Purchase a new money-generating asset every
year.
Purchase or create three money generating assets
For each of my nieces and nephews
Meet a smart, beautiful woman that’s
business savvy to build with
Establish a plural relationship
NEVER WORK FOR MONEY!!!
Happiness Eludes Me
By Tyreall DuBoe
Broken glass in dirty alley ways, graffiti sprawled across concrete walls. Helicopters overhead shining light below. Overwhelming smells of gun powder and death fills the air. Happiness eludes me as I relive the struggles I endured while adapting to growing up poor in South Central Los Angeles.
Happiness eludes me as PTSD, pain, abandonment, neglect, depression, and suicidal thoughts take over. Trapped in this treacherous environment, merely escaping death.
Many of my peers weren’t so lucky. As their souls evaporated from them, their lifeless bodies were all that’s left.
Happiness eludes me, as I’m trapped in this cycle we called life, with lists of broken dreams and no end in sight.
I dedicated my life to a cause that has been non-existent in the greater part of my life. I was looking for guidance, belonging, and love. But in return all I received is strife.
At an early age when some were preparing to graduate from middle school, I became a vagrant. Throughout my teenage years this state of being became second nature to my existence. Sleeping in laundromats on top of washers and dryers, in cars, and outside without a sheet. This is the story of a kid who lived in the streets.
No place to go, no place to call my own, I was abandoned by my family and all alone.
“Lost with no guidance” would be the title to the sound track of my life.
Happiness eludes me as I try to make peace with my past.
Happiness has eluded me, as I attempt to make it in this world alone.
Forgotten
By Tyreall DuBoe
My experiences with growing up in group homes and lock down facilities,
Mirrors the challenges that I am faced with today.
The uncertainty about my future,
My inability to decipher what I am feeling and the soul stripping regimen.
Is no different at 35 than when I was 14.
Forgotten by my family and the world, nothing can save me from this fate.
My biggest fear was not to fall asleep and die, but to awaken and still be me.
Forgotten in the shuffle living in constant fear and danger.
Bouncing around to unfamiliar places surrounded by strange faces.
I’ve Been Here Before
By Tyreall DuBoe
Once again, I find myself in a familiar place.
I’ve been here before,
Down the same dark road.
I said I would never come back to prison
Because the sorrow was too deep.
The horrors that I endured I would never repeat.
Again, I found myself in a familiar place.
I’ve been here before,
Down the same dark road.
I see the fear in my family’s eyes
As they witness my decline.
They say that I’ll never amount to nothing
Because this is not my first time.
How many mountains can he climb?
They never loved me, and I can’t give love back.
The grip of turmoil has me under attack.
I want to fight, I don’t want to give in.
The grip is real, and I’m folding again.
I’ve been here before,
Down the same dark road…
This time I won’t allow this thing to take hold.
I know what I need to do.
I have the tools to fight back.
I can stand up to this thing
And hold off its attack.
I have a plan; I just have to execute it.
Recovery and Management is how I’ll do it.
This might not be so familiar to me,
But this time the dark road is lit.
I will beat this thing,
And I refuse to submit
I’ve been here before,
But this time it is different.
I’m battle-tested and weary,
But my spirit is lifted.
The fight is not over,
More struggles are ahead,
But I’m focused and confident,
No doubts in my head.
This time, I know I’ve got this thing beat.
I stick to my plan,
I won’t fold in defeat.
I’m finally loving life and everything in it.
I know my potential and the sky is the limit.
Real Talk
By Tyreall DuBoe
I was surprised to realize that much of what I learned from my homeboys was toxic masculinity.
My homeboys would regularly make fun of others.
These were people I looked up to, so I followed along. Their influence led me to be a womanizer.
Growing up, I thought, to be a man, you had to be an aggressive gang member that everyone else feared and respected.
I was skinny all of my life, and didn’t fit the mold. I learned to fight, wasn’t scared to shoot a gun. Because I was skinny, I had to be more aggressive and do the things that everyone else didn’t have the heart to do.
For a long time, I believed these messages to be the truth. I forced my view of what it meant to be a man on my community. I felt like more of a man for being violent. That same gang mentality has shaped many of the actions of my past.
My homeboys were gang bangers, robbers, pimps, hustlers; lowlifes. Just like my homeboys, I didn’t have a father figure to guide me, love me, or give me any alternatives to escape poverty. I ultimately chose to adopt a lot of their teachings.
I remember seeing tough men cry at funerals – which showed me that you don’t have to be tough all the time. Things like this started challenging my thoughts and beliefs.
Many of us have been brainwashed to buy into toxic masculinity – how a man is supposed to be or act. We’re taught that showing emotion, crying, or being generous is a weakness. We’re taught to judge other men so we can feel better about ourselves.
Today, I feel great about who I am, without feeling the need to compare myself to other men. No longer am I living my life based on a false narrative of having to be strong or violent.
I Couldn’t Imagine
By Tyreall DuBoe
I couldn’t imagine a day
Without your charming smile;
Nor could I justly convey
How much I loved your style.
I couldn’t imagine a week
Without your warm embrace;
Nor the absence of your pleasing form
And lovely, flawless face.
I couldn’t imagine a year
Without you near to share
The times that do endear,
Or the moments of despair.
I couldn’t imagine a lifetime
Without you at my side;
For if I want a friendship divine,
I need you as my guide.
I couldn’t imagine eternity
Without the friendship I’ve known.
My spirit would wander hopelessly
In agony – alone.
Hakimah
By Tyreall DuBoe
You are the jasmine of all my senses;
Your stunning beauty drops my defenses,
And I am stripped of all pretenses,
As I accept all consequences.
You are the wild rose of my heart;
I yearn for you when we’re apart,
For then my passions on fire start,
Desperately desiring your heart.
You are the daisy of my being;
You give my soul a friendship enduring,
Which makes each day a day worth living,
And makes you more alluring.
Feelings
By Tyreall DuBoe
Endlessly, you inspire me
By what you say and do.
Thus, with great sincerity,
I’ll tell you my feelings true.
You always use your eloquence
To raise my self-esteem
You help me boost my confidence
To realize a dream.
You comfort me in times of stress;
You hold me tenderly.
Your soothing words do then suppress
All my anxiety.
You care with a passioned grace,
Which gives me ecstasy.
And there within your warm embrace,
My spirit wanders free.
In mind and body, I do thrive.
Within your loving sphere.
And easily I do survive
Each and every passing year.
So now you know in words sincere,
My feelings pure and true.
They reaffirm what should be clear,
That I am loyal to you.
Your Picture (dedicated to my best friend, Hakimah)
By Tyreall DuBoe
Your picture which I hold in my hand,
By itself could never stand;
For in dimensions, it does lack
The third and foremost of the pack.
It will not kiss me on command;
It cannot give its loyalty to me on demand;
And warmth it never can imbue
To this poor soul who yearns for your presence.
Torture me no more, my sweet;
Pictures can’t such passions treat;
And if they burn as mine do now,
They need to be relieved somehow.
Thus to this truth, I do adhere,
That only you, my doctor dear,
In three dimensions can you clear
This burning which is so severe.
So fly to me – do not delay;
I cannot wait another day;
And free me from the torments of
This raging three-dimensioned friendship.
Well-Tempered Friendship (dedicated to my best friend, Hakimah)
By Tyreall DuBoe
The fires of my loneliness,
Once filled my life with much distress;
And constantly they did suppress
My every chance at happiness.
In truth, I lost all zest for life,
And every day was filled with strife;
Until, that is, the day you came
Into my life and called my name.
With tenderness you gave to me,
The strength to set my spirit free,
And then you showed me lovingly,
How wonderful my life could be.
As our new friendship grew and grew,
A joyous feeling did ensue.
I know that I was born anew,
When I realized my loyalty for you.
This loyalty has bounds I cannot see,
It is universal poetry;
And with its durability,
It shall continue endlessly.
So future trials will not repress;
Life’s tribulations will not suppress
This well-tempered friendship which I possess;
Forged in the fires of my loneliness.
One Lonely Day (dedicated to my best friend, Hakimah)
By Tyreall DuBoe
One lonely day has all but passed
Since last I held you in my arms.
And truly did I think I’d last
At least a day without your charms.
Hard work, I thought will keep me sane;
Blot you out and dull the pain;
And easily I will contain,
A friendship from which I must abstain.
But all day long my thoughts do shout
Your name without a moment’s rest.
In truth, I cannot blot you out,
For I am hopelessly possessed.
Alas, it’s done, from where they dwell,
My passions rise and then they swell;
To frenzied heights they heave and thrust,
And fill me with desire and lust.
One lonely day has all but passed;
I really thought that I would last.
But since I miss you so much,
A day – alone – is agony.
Cutting My Mom Loose
By Tyreall DuBoe
For so long I’ve questioned my existence. My mom would tell me everything that I’ve done wrong in my past, showing me tough love. She hated having me, and made sure I knew it. I stopped living with her when I was 13 years old.
At 14, I found family by joining a gang. They accepted, loved, and protected me – things I couldn’t find at home.
Since I’ve been in prison, I’ve attempted to establish a relationship with my mother on several occasions; I’ve shared my accomplishments with her, and thought that she’d be proud of me when I told her that I self-published my first book on my own, without any financial assistance from anyone else.
Since I’ve been in prison, I’ve received a lot of therapy. I’ve forgiven my mother for her past mistakes and tried to establish some form of communication with my siblings, but she threatened to cut them off if they spoke to me. They’ve refused to show me support due to my past mistakes. They say that they won’t come back into my life until I can get out and show them that I’ve changed. Although they aren’t aware of how much I’ve grown, they continue to tell everyone how much of a horrible person I am.
When I was younger, I always wanted to confront my mother about how she treated me. I always wanted her to love me and be proud of me. I’ve always feared her when I was younger. She would have her ex-husband beat me. I wanted to know why. Am I on this earth to just feel pain and hurt? Maybe my father did something to hurt her. I was aware that he was non-existent leaving her to raise me on her own. Maybe that’s why she hated me.
Today, I’ve attempted to keep moving forward. I have friends who have healthy relationships with their mothers, and I will never know what that’s like. Sure, there are times when I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. But instead of reaching out for something she’s not capable of giving me, I think about the progress I’ve made, and how I don’t want to lose it. I don’t believe my mom will change, and I’d rather keep moving forward.
Since my incarceration, I’ve listed many things that I wanted to accomplish that I didn’t have the finances to accomplish. Then I reminded myself, up until now, that I’ve put a lot of time and energy into so many bad things. Then I used the same time and energy to accomplish what I had written down on my list. Then I accomplished them, one at a time. Every step that I took to overcome one of my goals was a huge relief. It has been the little things, all of the sacrifices that I’ve made, as I continue to stay focused towards accomplishing the difficult ones (goals).
Cutting someone out of your life, like I did with my mother, can be frightening afterwards; it’s tempting to pick up the phone and reconnect. But I won’t do it. Choosing to stay or reengage in a toxic relationship can destroy what you’ve worked for. And I deserve better.
It’s my choice to cut her off. My biggest mistake in life has been allowing people to stay in my life, longer than they deserved. I’ve realized that I can’t fix others, but I can work on myself.
Many individuals with kids or younger loved ones would do anything to keep them from being mistreated. It’s time to treat myself this same way. Being happy can be uncomfortable at first, and it takes practice. I’ve chosen to remind myself that I’m supposed to be happy – instead of living in pain and fear.
Once I’ve cut out the most toxic person in my life, it has gotten easier to recognize other toxic relationships.
The Walls I’ve Built
By Tyreall Dwayne DuBoe
The first brick went into the wall when I was 10 years old.
My stepfather would tie me up, beat me, and on one occasion, he burned me with an iron. Since that day, I started building a wall to protect myself from being hurt. My stepfather taught me I was safer in the streets than I was at home. In the streets, I could fight back and escape consequences.
For years, I spent my childhood in group homes and lockdown placements away from my family. I was broken and I was lost. I didn’t let anyone in or allow them to hurt me. Doing this kept me from building anything close to a real and meaningful relationship.
With women, in the beginning I was looking for love, but didn’t know what love was. But once I got hurt, my way of getting revenge was just telling myself I didn’t need them; I could take care of myself.
I’ll be honest, some of the wall is still up. I’m not ready to take it all the way down. My biggest dream has been to meet a woman to whom I could begin a plural relationship with and to start a business with her. I want to have deep trust, intimacy, and security, and that’s going to take more work. I’m committed to tearing down more of the wall so that I open up and achieve the goals.
Tough Love
By Tyreall Dwayne DuBoe
All of the forms of love that I’ve experienced came with conditions.
What I’ve always wanted was someone who’d offer real feedback, challenge me, have my back, and never give up on me.
But what I’d gotten was tough love. The kind of love that I’d received was harsh, condescending. They shamed me when I messed up, instead of helping me recover from setbacks.
They left me feeling defeated. They used shame and fear to try and motivate me.
The kind of love that I wanted would be kind and firm.
They would offer me empathy but not pity.
They’d listen and ask questions.
They would offer advice but would not try to fix me.
everyone who’ve ever loved me have allowed me to get away with failure; they’d discouraged me from fulfilling my responsibilities.
Unfortunately, my family members, romantic partners, and close friends – all people who’d said that they loved me so much – have done nothing besides, show me, TOUGH LOVE.
How It Started
By Tyreall Dwayne DuBoe
“If you don’t shut up, I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Like me, other people didn’t feel safe in their homes and didn’t have a caring adult to help them. In fact, many adults told us to shut down our emotions. I learned what was modeled: unhealthy coping skills.
I became a rock!
As a child, I learned to turn down, tune out, and turn off my feelings to survive. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to handle trauma on my own. I didn’t have a caring adult to help me process my pain and heal. I attempted to protect myself by blocking out my memory.
I’ve always thought of myself as being a “soldier”. I hadn’t been enrolled in the military but the effects of war impact me similarly.
You’ve got men and women who are serving in the military in situations where vulnerability equal death. Then they come home, and all of a sudden, vulnerability, this thing that they had been trained to shut down, is the birthplace of love, trust, intimacy, joy, and creativity. And now they have to figure out how to reopen all of these doors that they’ve not just shut, but sealed shut.
I grew up in my own war zone and learned early on that emotions are a weakness that could get me hurt or even killed.
When home, school, and neighborhood playgrounds weren’t safe, I turned to the streets to find and create safety. But the streets of South Central were war zones.
I didn’t know how to cope with trauma; I numbed my emotions with drugs, alcohol, violence. Numbing myself helped me survive and keep going amidst the trauma, loneliness, grief, abuse, neglect, abandonment, heartbreak, fear, and uncertainty. I was trained to shut down vulnerability to protect myself…and it worked; I survived.
And then I came to prison, another war zone. Most prisoners become harder and harder. And some of them have a hard time overstanding why it seems that they feel absolutely nothing, even when they want to. I now have a choice: to keep numbing myself, or to open the door both to the pain – and the greatness – that comes from acknowledging my feelings again.
My Discomforts
By Tyreall DuBoe
Being in this situation, in prison without any type of support, has made me come into realization with the fact that I’m all alone in this world.
This is the most difficult time of my life and no one even cares.
The people who I’d once believed had genuine affection for me are nowhere to be found. None of the individuals that I’ve assisted during their time of need have been here for me.
As I began to reflect on my life on earth, sometimes I wish I would have been more selfish, as opposed to being selfless.
I’ve truly learned an invaluable lesson from all of this, and in the process, I’ve also learned that I can only count on myself.
Being in prison isn’t easy and sometimes I feel like giving up on myself, because of all the psychological torture that I’m subjected to, but I do my best to keep my head up and not let the discomforts get to me.
Stunt My Growth
By Tyreall DuBoe
Instead of helping me grow … let’s replace this opportunity with broken promises, let’s create barriers to keep me stagnant.
Instead of helping me grow … let’s block all paths leading to success, just so you could attempt to get ahead as I sit in a cell.
Instead of helping me grow … don’t give me any type of support, tell me all of the things that can go wrong with my dreams. Continue to berate me for everything that I’ve done wrong in my past.
Instead of helping me grow … I’m going to do everything in my power to become a mighty rose and not that uncracked seed that you’d hoped I’d be.
Unwarranted Circumstances
By Tyreall DuBoe
Circumstances have taken away my ability to provide for myself.
Circumstances have taken away my opportunity to get to know you better and righting my wrongs, through life experiences and perhaps you giving me unconditional love; wanting to build with me.
Where I may have thought that what we had was built on flawless trust.
I was wrong …
No one else will get from me what you had.
In the wake of these unwarranted circumstances, I’ve been deprived of your presence, your promises and the plans we had for the future.
Without you by my side, my heart has never been the same.
My lifeless heart hasn’t beaten in one thousand mornings.
My beginning has started off bitter, which is no different from now.
I always thought that I could never go on living without you; a part of me is dead.
Can you imagine living without me? Pretending that you are happy when you are actually miserable.
For Too Long
By Tyreall DuBoe
For too long, you’ve only been my ex-girlfriend, the woman that I called wifey or anything other than Queen.
Heart on my sleeve I express my distaste for what I see. We lie, we cheat, take chances that result in you being alone on the street. Only speak of myself to have known true love & broken.
That same heart, those feelings I felt, Black woman forgive me – for not seeing your worth & value. Cherishing you intensely.
Pray it’s not too late, to again feel your skin, enjoy your smile, savor your taste, pedestal where you should’ve been and stayed. However long it takes to make things right, I’ll spend my life, to ensure my little baby knows she’s God’s gift. No one else I’d rather spend my time with.
Getting lost in your eyes, I call a divine trip. You been the backbone…my little baby who I am aligned with.
Good Idea
By Tyreall DuBoe
Instead of letting me grow, let’s replace the soil with barbed wire fences and see how far I go.
Good idea…
Let’s block all the sunlight, shading me from that glow, so – all my roots can’t soak it in, and I become a seed once more.
Good idea…
Step on me and watch me bounce like an accordion. Swaying in the wind, pollinating other gardens because I’ve had no room to spread my own.
Good idea…
What should’ve been a mighty rose, is now an uncracked seed. If you had watered me and moved aside, we could be at peace.
In Your Absence
By Tyreall DuBoe
I am forced to accept the truth:
You are not here with me. It’s been a six-year rollercoaster ride; I have been up, down and all around with my emotions, as well as my thoughts. Tears stream down my face, and sometimes with a smile, when I am in deep thought of how much love you gave to me – and I miss that.
In your absence,
I have been angry enough to want to shout to the mountains. About the torture and corruption I experience at those who hold me captive. It is in this moment when my emotions are at a boiling point.
I can hear the words you spoke to me of what I might experience in the future. I then become quiet, and I close my eyes to regroup, because it is your legacy I represent.
In your absence,
I wait for justice to be rendered in a broken system that I know don’t give a damn about me.
Each time I went to court I represented your legacy. I am haunted by the thoughts of the inhumane, tortuous conditions that I live in. It takes all of my strength to keep my emotions under control.
In your absence,
I had to find a way to continue without you. I am left with a void that can only be filled with the memories we shared. I had to learn how to live in the moment as I am still able to receive the love you gave me. I had to learn how to forget about the plans we had for the future, and this has been the hardest thing to do. The best part of our time was the dreams we had for the future.
In your absence,
I had to find my place in this fight for justice, so that I could regain my liberty.
In your absence,
I will always love you; I will always honor you; I will always have you in my heart, I will always miss you, I will always speak up for you, I will always better myself and my situation while living for you.
In your absence,
I will continue to fight for my liberty, it’s my duty to win, we must love each other and support each other, we have nothing to lose but our chains. One of my goals is to build a new me, I don’t know how long it will take to create that new beautiful me. It might take years. But I will continually work at it and try to create this new man, so that I can achieve a personal freedom.
In your absence,
I’ve gone through different changes to stay human, for I will never get used to isolation and deprivation.
Young Love
By Tyreall DuBoe
We are young, but not too young to love. We are naïve, but not too naïve to know what we are feeling. Who put this love into the atmosphere and this craving into our bodies? Who put this feeling into our hearts and these thoughts into our minds? Who brought us together, if we were meant to be apart? We did right. So why do they say us is wrong? Not communicating could stop our love, if being divided by distance or barbed wired fences or even oceans could not stop our love, what can stop our love?
No one, none, nothing……
Please don’t hate me for the mistakes that I’ve made in the past, just give me the opportunity to right my wrongs. I know that you love me more than anyone could know. Although you are away from me, you still live in my heart.
Sometimes still, we speak, even though it isn’t consistent, and the fact that you’ve started a new life without me. I won’t let you!
When they ask what you see in me! Answer, a hot spring on top of a cold mountain. Or my bare skin against a sizzling hot rock. Never remove me from your heart! Could I pull my teeth out, one at a time? Or maybe peel off all my own skin beginning with my fingers? I couldn’t ever……
I need you, like a poor man needs everyday rice. You are the deepest feeling I have ever felt, like water rushing down from the steepest waterfall. If you are asking me not to love you, kill me. But if I should be reborn, I would love you still. My soul loves your soul. Your soul loves my soul. No one can say they love TYREALL yet try to separate me from this feeling. LITTLE Baby, they could never overstand us. How could they? They don’t even want to.
Without You
By Tyreall DuBoe
Without you, my mind is gone and my body, a network of nerves experiencing a feeling too intense to place into words. I want to be the first and only to create these types of feelings inside of you. And I know that you want and need me to do that, to create that powerful feeling in you constantly. I want it also.
You’ve taught me many things about myself that I never had the opportunity to learn on my own. Our union has been interrupted, manipulated and stolen. I told you everything because I thought we were best friends! I’ve been waiting to see if you cared, when you already know my struggle is so deep, true and important. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me what you’re feeling, wanting and to be interested in the things that I am interested in out of a real curiosity and with a true intention.
My mind has shifted, like a rubik, trying to get back into its original position, unknowingly. You were my comrade. We were soldiers, bound together by a similar mission. We shared everything together. I had always believed that some higher power had provided you for me; However, it’s a constant battle because everyone is so determined to keep us apart.
In my eyes you are dope and I really miss you more than anything else that’s out there in the free world. You are my heart in human form. Without you, I am lost, trapped in a box, broken, scrambling to put the pieces back together.
This is my life without you!
Struggle and Abundance
By Tyreall DuBoe
A few individuals continue to try to hold me back. I have recognized that they simply don’t share in my vision. When the universe puts something in your imagination, you have to run with it. You can’t let anybody kill the vision that the universe puts inside you.
My visions have become much bigger than my associates. The things I was imagining are larger than their perspective. I am going to branch off into bigger opportunities within me being an author and larger ventures outside of me writing books. I see that my associates are afraid that I will spread myself too thin and overexpose myself.
They’re more worried about how this could affect their livelihood than they are concerned about having faith in me and my abilities. I’m not afraid to spread my gift beyond my imagination and comfort zone. I will continue to take chances on paths that are unfamilier to me.
Lost in the Shuffle
By Tyreall DuBoe
I, sit here in prison, with a pad and a pen in my hand. Daily, I find myself trapped within my thoughts, trying to capture the very essence of life and the worth of my existence. Within myself, a battle seems to occur at times between my ego, pride, and the demons of my past. This is a three-headed monster, that lives in all of us and plays a part in our shortcomings, as people. There’s only one formula when it comes to putting a giant to sleep, and that would be the sleeping pill of knowledge.
Sharing my journey and the things that I’ve learned over the years has become a mission of mine. In doing so, I hope to save someone from being burned of their freedom, parenthood, and sanity.
Every morning when I awaken inside this dark and cold cell, I’m slapped with the reality of my life being lost in the shuffle of misfits. But I still think of the future as an astonishing door opening for any/all possibilities while learning from the past, but not allowing it to decide the future.
Lost Connection
By Tyreall DuBoe
Being incarcerated, I have a lost connection with the world. I have used my talent as a writer to build bridges.
I have altered my writing style to create books that have a visceral appeal, something that they have never read before. Not being able to get my poetry out there to the world – makes me feel like I’m losing a sense of connection.
I’m becoming less relevant as the days pass. I am surrounded by flatterers, people who only view me as being a convict and someone who they can gain a reputation off, just by being around me.
Having my freedom was so vital, my existence is fading in this new environment, I now inhabit. I can no longer be the man that I was, or get firsthand looks at the trends that are just starting up.
All of this means that I am flying blind with my compositions, not sure if it would connect anymore with my audience. They were the source of my energy and spirit, but the distance separating us is growing. Other incarcerated writers seem to not mind the disconnection with the free world;
In fact, they enjoy living in this kind of prison bubble. They are afraid of coming back down to earth, everyone in here are so consumed with what’s going on in here. I feel the opposite but there seems to be no way out. I will create a page on a social media platform and actively market myself and my compositions directly to the free world on a global scale, which I assume would provide quite inept in adapting to the internet age. I envision this transforming itself into a social networking blog, perhaps this will be the ultimate tool for reconnecting with my audience.
Nigga
By Tyreall DuBoe
Nigga! You think u could reinvent
The meaning of that name?
Take away the negative connotations
And somehow erase the shame?
U are what u respond to
And a nigga aint much to amount to,
So, check this!
Just because u replace the “ER” with an “A”
In nigger don’t make that shit tender,
And putting a dress on a boy
Don’t change his gender,
Now let me tell you!
When I go back to retrace my roots
Of ancestry way back to Egyptology,
There was no niggas building pyramids
Just ancient scientists and deities.
So let me make it pure and simple
Free us from the mental locks and chains
And never call a black man a nigga again.
He’s a king.
I Shed Tears
By Tyreall DuBoe
Sometimes when I’m alone in my cell I shed tears,
Because I’m on my own.
The tears that I shed are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form.
I shed tears because my heart is torn.
I have found it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confide in, I would shed tears amongst my treasured friends,
But who do you know that stops that long to help another carry on
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by
Than to stop and see what makes one shed tears
So painful and sad.
And sometimes……
I shed tears
And no one cares about why.
Deep In My Heart
By Tyreall DuBoe
I never realized how difficult it could be to put into words
The overwhelming effect you have over me
4 every unexpressed word that I harbor deeply within my soul
Telling me without a shadow of doubt it’s your existence that makes me whole!
I never yearned for someone’s presence so intensely.
You have impacted me with a fervent emotion
And for that fervent emotion there’s no cure!
I’ve yet to define the reason why I was given such a difficult road to follow in life. But I will be forever grateful that it has led me to you.
Yet, after six years of being away from each other,
The universe allowed us to cross paths again,
I’ve encountered feelings that are not only foreign
But feelings that I’ve yet to define.
They say, loyalty is a blessing given 2 many
Yet deserved by few!
So no matter what happens in this world
My loyalty will always be here for you!
Pack Light
By Tyreall DuBoe
I tried to pack you into my bag, to carry you along with me as I began my new journey.
But, then I realized there was no room. So I removed the essentials: Self-love, boundaries, and sacrifice.
When I’d unpacked these things, I replaced them with one: you. But I find you to be heavier than nine things. You’re marble dipped in metal. You’re a hot swing seat in the middle of July, with no sprinklers in sight.
You’re a brick wall with cracks so perfectly symmetrical that there’s no room to catch footing.
I fall every time.
You’re a burden. Anchored beside me by love.
Unconditional love at that.
And although this is a telltale trait of true love, it’s also punishment in our chronology.
For the more I choose to lengthen the contract of nonexistent conditions, I let the rope rip through my hands – rashing them until there’s no more rope left to offer.
I am allowed conditions, aren’t I?? Even unconditional conditions.
My health has been weakened and my melted brain is draining to one side of my thick skull.
When will I learn not to love so cripplingly?
Sails
By Tyreall DuBoe
I wanted for you to step back from the rubble; to examine the fallen buildings and far off explosions you had created. For you to see the smoke steaming off of the contemporary artwork all around me.
To recognize the devastation and to see the hurt, but you shunned me and you ran.
It was what you were always best at.
And my legs were tired of chasing you.
So, I watched as you built your makeshift boat and floated away, never looking back.
I believe you caught my, “I LOVE YOU” as it hit your sails and fell into your treasure chest.
Locked away with all of the other precious things you decided you didn’t need anymore.
Only The Universe Knows Why
By Tyreall DuBoe
You see while I was growing up I put up a shield. I couldn’t let the neglection get to me so I closed up.
But that was how it affected me.
It caused me to become frustrated. That’s why when I was a bit older,
I took to the streets.
I was acknowledged out there. I was taken in and they showed me love (or so I thought).
But now I realize that all they loved was that hatred inside of me.
They fed it.
And I kept that shield up for all that was good and vibed off of the evil.
I went and took my problems out on innocent people, because my family was dysfunctional, and made other people suffer.
I regret what I’ve done because it wasn’t fair. I hate what I’ve become…
I’m so messed up inside, but I’m going to straighten it out. I guess some people go through hell to end up in heaven. Only the universe knows why we go through the things that we do. But I hope for better days.
Hear My Sorrow
By Tyreall DuBoe
If I were to use musical instruments, to describe what I’ve been through in the past six years, I would need the entire orchestra.
I would use flutes to define the happier times when love and laughter existed.
I would use big bass drums to describe my “PANIC ATTACKS” and fits of anger.
I would use saxophones to signify my sorrow and tears as I cry over losing my close friends to gang violence, and my failures.
I would really need an electric guitar to play as I continue to fall back into my bad habits.
Pianos to play soft music as I attempt to find my purpose in this world.
The bass violin to give me the sound of my heart dropping when individuals would run off on me, and reappear after long disappearances.
A clarinet to play as “FRIENEMIES” snake their way back into my heart.
And while loneliness envelopes me, my life confuses me.
Encourage Yourself
By Tyreall DuBoe
In this life you need more than hope. Hope is a good thing; probably the best of things. But hope alone has no power to undo your circumstances, or change your future.
In this life you need more than a dream. To dream is to imagine a better life for yourself. But without blood, sweat, and tears, dreams become fantasies that eventually disappear.
In this life you need more than a prayer. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. But sitting around everyday waiting for the heavens to open will get you no further than where you are right now.
In this life you need more than things. Things can accessorize and adorn your life. But things can never make you great. Greatness is in you. Become someone in life.
In this life you need more than encouraging words. We all need our spirits lifted from time-to-time. But the more you rely on others for encouragement, the more you set yourself up for disappointment. Know your self-worth. Believe in yourself. Be determined to win. See yourself succeeding. Be willing to sacrifice and pay your dues. Most importantly learn how to encourage yourself.
The Feeling and What It Means To Receive a Letter
By Tyreall DuBoe
What I feel and what it means to receive mail when stuck in the underworld. I’m sure I speak for a lot of prisoners when I say this.
To the blind eye and the average person that has never been to my world. A letter might be a simple note, a quick email or an insignificant text, nothing of great appreciation, aspiration or worth.
To me, a letter is the best thing that can happen next to a visit but that’s debatable because visits end with a goodbye.
Tears and a heartache. (Again, debatable.) But that’s not what this composition is about, as opposed to a letter.
It’s an envelope with a little bit of everything: Hope, inspiration, motivation, affection, and last but not least, it’s a portal out of these walls.
An escape from the cell to a peaceful state of mind. Positive and optimistic where there’s no worries or anxieties.
Except maybe the fear of not being able to return the favor in making your day and putting a smile on your face.
As you begin to read, you don’t want it to end.
It’s like a good movie. You want it to last forever, so you read slow….
Paying attention to every detail of her penmanship, enjoying every syllable and expression all while admiring its lucidity and once you reach the end you’re left with a smile.
Revolution
By Tyreall DuBoe
Everything I loved,
died or betrayed me.
Everything I owned,
has been stolen or destroyed.
Everything I want,
I must fight and bleed for.
Everything I am,
I must struggle to be.
Everything I need,
I have earned and deserved.
Everything I trust,
has been challenged and tested.
Everything I believe,
is strong and firm.
And
Everything I seek,
lies with REVOLUTION.
Of Great Substance
By Tyreall DuBoe
I’ve learned a few things since I’ve been incarcerated: patience, discipline, the power of contemplation, the freedom in letting go. Still nothing has prepared me for the discomforts that I endure within these walls.
My avowals have grown so syrupy, my anxieties so overwrought… I have 24 hours to think about stuff! I’ve come to accept the fact that the only affection that I’ll be capable of receiving will be defined by the spirit, not the flesh.
You must come into realization of recognizing that family ties promote stability and a taste of moral support gives me normalcy; it’s the little things that I enjoy the most.
Even under the best of circumstances, a companionship takes work: open and honest communication, respect, trust, the ability to fight fairly, the appetite for making up. Half still fail.
The challenges that must be embraced –
A long-distance companionship strained by confinement, disrupted by lockdowns, subjected to eavesdropping and surveillance. Often it may seem overwhelming, proof of an unbreakable bond or a lost cause. They say, “LOYALTY ISN’T LOYALTY UNTIL IT’S TESTED ON MANY LEVELS”. I’m meditative and focused, an all-or-nothing type of guy. That’s how I do everything, no matter what it takes to prove my loyalty is true, I’m all in. I recognize that it takes a special type of woman drawn to a man who is incarcerated, one who can bear the finality of his sentence; for me reality has set in. The individuals who I believed were my friends and family have betrayed me. I’ve learned to not fault people for being themselves; because loyalty is hard to find.
Establishing a companionship with an individual who is in prison can be hard to figure and easy to judge.
The kind of leap that should come with a warning label. Everything that has happened; you reading my poem and me writing it is for a reason.
Establishing a companionship with me will remain abstract: college ruled dispatches and 30-minute phone calls; through it all I will be waiting for you to prove your dependability.
The time that’s spent confined by barbed wire fences is the worst,
A fit of longing and despair that makes me feel as though I’ve left a piece of myself behind.
The terrible weight of my sentence has scared off others; my release date fills me with a purpose I’ve never known.
This is what I want you to set your sight on. Being forgiven for my past mistakes, while I continue to live in my purpose, while I move on with my future is the sort of break that I’ve hoped for.
This poem was taken from my book, “Silent Child Crying Soul!”
By Tyreall DuBoe
Hear my sorrow
If I were to use musical instruments, to describe what I’ve been going through in the past 6 years, I would need the entire orchestra.
I would use flutes to define the happier times when love and laughter existed. I would use big bass drums to describe my “Anxiety Attacks” and fits of anger.
I would use Saxophones to signify my sorrow and tears as I cry over losing my friends to gang violence, and my failures.
I would really need an electric guitar to play as I continue to fall back into my bad habits.
Pianos to play soft music as I attempt to find my purpose in this world.
The bass violin to give me the sound of my heart dropping when individuals would run off on me and reappear after long disappearance.
A clarinet to play as “FRIENEMIES” snake their way back into my heart. And while loneliness envelopes me, my live confuses me.
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