Always Remind Me
By Marcos Gray
I am being cannibalized…by the butterflies that reside on the inside of
My intestinal tract…
I’ve discovered that…I am being smothered with thoughts of her face…
And of her taste…so now I’m praying…”God…bring my dead brother back…& put me in his place.”
Take from the back of my eyelids…visions of her beautiful face…
These affections are not hybrids…but authentic & not written in ink…but
Written in blood… so they CANNOT be erased.
I eagerly state…that in her presence…I am tongue-tied…
And my consciousness…in a state of bliss…it’s a ‘utopian society’ in
My heart…so it’s like…all of the guns “died.”
My mother’s youngest son lied…about the depths of her perfection…
I try to run & hide…to lay aside the breadth of my affections…
So I…am in need of an”exorcism…” because by these visions of her…my
Body & mind is under an incurable possession.
Even trying to run & hide…these feelings always find me…
Not even lenses…to protect me from viewing a solar eclipse would protect me…because Your beauty…will ALWAYS blind me…
Wishing that I was Mount Everest…& that you were on a quest…to ALWAYS climb me… Nor without you…will my soul ever rest.
You are a treasure…in my chest…showing…
The goodness of God is always flowing…
When you I get to see…so of perfection…you Always Remind Me of this… & the
Whole world…is knowing.
It Is Finished
By Marcos Gray
Time Is not my ally…it is actually my arch-nemesis…
My heart’s innocence…has been found guilty…so only good thoughts…on Which I reminisce…
Are…when I was still in my mother’s…uterus.
So now each day I argue with God…regarding the extent of my exoneration… Along with my existence…
This causes for me to wish to relent regarding my resistance…
And my position in isolation…caused by loneliness…because of my
Continued breathing…I am in a state of repentance.
But what do we do with these implications…I go on extensive soul searching… Because there is a hole lurking inside of my heart…& I cannot control
It…my loneliness implicates that I am worthless.
So I have no control…this is perfect…I am the epitome of misery…
I bow down to worship my self-hatred religiously…
While in the process of losing my faith in Christ…but I feel just like Him…I too am nailed to a judicial tree…so now the emotional vultures Pick at me…viciously.
Consuming…my putrid flesh…peace is elusive yes…
So in order to be done with my pain…I simply shout, “It Is Finished”… So now…God please take me unto the sweet release…of death.
Hiroshima
By Marcos Gray
My eyebrows are burned off…my skin hangs loose from my flesh…
The scorching heat from H.E.R. departure has engraved my shadow on the walls… So I am demonstrating radiation sickness…this is a sickness making me crawl…
So an emotional death.
I cannot breathe in H.E.R. absence…its effects are comparable to a nuclear bomb’s Radiation…
Even instant death could not stave off the implications…
Of never seeing H.E.R. again…not even my physical demise…could assuage my Soul’s devastation…
When she’s gone.
Even if I survive…I have been…eternally impacted…
Because of who I yearn to see…because not only externally am I …attracted…
To H.E.R. for an eternity…so I lose focus on everything because of H.E.R….
I am distracted.
How do I ignore or breathe the toxic air of superheated gas…charging from the Mushroom cloud…
How do we surmise that the air is not noxious & it doesn’t allow…me to breathe …but though I choke…I fear that these affections are like a sonic boom…too
Loud.
Yet H.E.R. absence is impacting me like a billion bee stings…I have been Swarmed…
But H.E.R. presence is comparable to a million sweet dreams…& thoughts of H.E.R. Keep me warm.
So I am true to form…only my words can get close…to H.E.R…
So I invoke H.E.R…to return when I have not seen H.E.R…
And may she know that she has melted my frozen heart…I am the youngest victim …of Hiroshima.
Morbid Obesity
By Marcos Gray
My heart seems to be weighed down by the pain…it’s like it’s afflicted…with morbid obesity… These prison bars have distorted my life’s outlook…so there seems to never be any peace… In me. It’s caused by the streets and I see…emotional depravity is a tragedy…
And it occurs on an epic scale…
With my environmental factors that told me to only expect to fail…
So by thoughts of my own worthlessness…I am assailed.
I now am forced to wallow in false guilt…
I am also swallowed by the prison that social injustice and bad decisions had built… Or it’s like I am caught up in a whirlwind…so it’s like a zombie apocalypse is near… So now watch…as the world tilts…in opposite directions…
My heart is weighing me down with suicidal suggestions…
Because towards myself I have only negative impressions…
Then shown by society…not a slither of positive affections.
But God said that if I want peace then it’s imperative…that I allow my self-hatred to subside… But I tell Him on November 13, 1976…six seconds after my birth was when my love died. Though I try to find joy in God…I find only despair…in me…
I was born torn…and prison is steadily tearing…me apart…
And though heavy is my heart due to the pain…but I invite you… To share it with me.
The Death That I Endure
By Marcos Gray
When I rest at night…I imagine…that I get to hold her…
I then conclude…that the bleak & dark days are over…
But upon waking up in the morning…I smell sulfur…because I am in hell without Her…& into burning ash…I smolder.
How did this happen to a “retired soldier…” from the “Killing Fields” of
Chicago’s street wars…
I’m now…replete…with an excessive expression of affections…for this girl
That I adore…
It’s like she…is the sole purpose…for which…my heart beats for.
So this gruesome death…that I endure…is because she & I had met…
I hope that I can convey that her absence feels like I’m impaled…with a poisoned Serrated arrow…from “Cupid’s” bow…right in the center…of my chest…
So I am scared…yes.
Simultaneously…I’m unquestionably blessed…to be placed on this block…of this “Emotional guillotine…”
My decapitation was inevitable…because of…just how incredible…I find this girl …who has come to mean …to me…everything.
She has placed this anchor on the inside of my heart…effectively she is weighing Me down…I am praying…that the sound I hear is her voice…because in the death
That I endure…called her absence…this means that peace…can NEVER be found. But as excruciating as it is…I would rather love you than to have lost you… Because we never met…
So PLEASE may you forgive me as I express…
That this reality is what a tragedy…looks like if I don’t have you…it looks like an Extended torturous death…
So for me to survive without you…I will NOT…hold my breath.
Measure These Things By Marcos Gray
I’ve already coughed up blood on these pages…& this emotional sickness… I utterly despise…
Because her love for me died…even before it was birthed…so you can Easily measure the hurt…by the tears in my eyes…
It doesn’t even matter that they are dried.
My heart is hemorrhaging…my feelings are centering…
Around everything I believe you to be…or am I simply selective in all
Of the things in which I’m remembering…about what you mean…to me.
I doubt that you could easily relegate my words…as an optimal delusion…
Because when you are before my eyes…I always think…that it’s an optical illusion… So justifiably my present state…is a probable confusion…
Of reality.
So I can still state…that the weight of these affections feel like a
Mega-ton…
Crushing me down to the pavement…so I staunchly stay with the thought
…that anything in life…no…I’ve never won.
But I deem you a prize…& without you I will NEVER be complete…if
These ties are severed…
So whether…
Or not it is a genuine love for you…or simply a psychosis…one of those Things…must be measured.
Turn of the Century By Marcos Gray
I am blinded outside of your light…here there is…nothing shining…
I am incapable of being able to speak…I am now a mime and…
I feel that I can never find peace without you…only dejection watching Over me…It’s like it has perfect time and…
I’m confining…myself to believe that I am not what you think…I am Less than…
To the bottom of the pacific Ocean…with my ancestors…I am anchored No longer wondering what can assuage my misery…only death can. Or maybe your left hand…interlaced with mine…
Because I cannot obtain…any facetime…
With you…since you…and I don’t occupy the same space…and I believe This should be…a capital crime…
And this prison is guilty…and it kills me…
That these affections are like a box that has been opened…so you may call Me “Pandora…”
This existence without you…is worse than any Black man’s story of horror… In a slasher film…because ever since…you’ve left…they say there is Nothing I could do…to plan for her.
I reveal to you the depths of my soul…as if you were my journal’s last Entry…
About the breadth of my affections…for you that I have…they’ve been Placed on the gates of my heart…like an Eternal Sentry…
So I hope that you know…that by now…it seems that I have adored you… Since the turn…of EVERY century.
My Purest Thought
By Marcos Gray
God…I believe that you don’t hear me…so then why do I stay praying… Although to you…I hate saying…
Things that I instinctively feel…so maybe this is why…I fake obeying.
I believe …that my peace will only be attainable by a self-inflicted fatality…this Is my final analysis…
Since I am subjected to this judicial hanging..that is exceptionally effective… Culminating Only with..this emotional paralysis…
Plus on the surface of my soul & spirit…there are…clearly callouses.
But Christ..one touch from you…my emotional filth…you can easily purify it… Though I may be secretly suicidal…& my life will end by these measures…so Today I don’t expect to survive it…
And my reflection actually stated…”Do not dismiss the act of suicide…until you’ve Tried it.”
Since on the canvas of my life…it has been painted in pain…
With broad brush strokes…to daily crush my hopes…so I am tainted by a strong Vision…of bleeding…from my arterial veins…
Since any thoughts of really living…seems to…be all in vain…
So now I bathe in the Atlantic Ocean…but this “Atlantic Ocean” is only filled… With debilitating shame.
So for me to survive the next day…is not a foregone conclusion…
And on me…it has dawned…that peace is only an illusion…
So to kill Marcos means life…& to survive means death…or is this the residual Effects…of my being spawned in confusion.
I know not…since for the misery I can find no cure…
And I am not so so sure…
That I even want to…since I believe…that the thoughts of my death…are my Most pure…
Can you not understand…the allure.
Dust in the Wind By Marcos Gray
I have no issues with being abused by your beauty…I truly…am a victim of Emotional “domestic violence…”
Because of the bruises on my heart…based upon what you do to me…so there Is no way for you…to expect for me…to have kept it quiet.
I am blessed in your presence…even if you are silent…you need not speak… From my every vein…your face & name leaks…
And not my blood…so due to this love there is no shame…I feel pride…that For you…I am this weak.
You cause me to blow away…like dust in the wind…in every direction…
Praying that even if I cannot be your husband…could I at least be a friend…
Since I am buried alive…under the deaths of your perfection.
What else could I express…but these affections…they are so pervasive…
I hope you know…that I don’t try to be so tasteless…
In conveying what about you I feel…so I reveal…with thoughts of you…misery
…you replace it.
So it’s causing me to repent 24 times each day…because I believe that my every breath Is a sin…
Which makes me feel that without my Dear Friend…
Only in death could I win…
So this explains…how when You leave…I simply blow away..like Dust…in
The Wind..
Forever & A Day (A Day’s Forever)
By Marcos Gray
Until all of the land mass is swallowed into the seas…& the moon crashes into the earth… These affections will last…like they were the first…thing in creation…but actually
The 8th wonder of the world…began with your birth.
Seeing you leave…it still seems…as if I’m nailed to a burning cross…& forced
To watch my Dear mother die…
And even if they sewed up my mouth with barbed wire & poured gasoline on my
Lips…you still couldn’t smother my cry…
Of anguish…but not of the pain in which…I endure…but in the thought…together…
We will never lie.
But this matters not…because in my heart you are still here…
And even if NASA selected you…to be sent outside of our stratosphere…
To walk on the moon…before it crashed down to earth…know that with me…
You are ALWAYS near.
So…that in which I reveal to you…I fear…may be seen as awkward…
I don’t mean to scare you…I only mean to prepare you…to see what it is I mean…by What I actually feel…so I try to talk…without words.
I have lost…all of my nerves…knowing that these affections are like Niagara…where The water forever flows…
Since my heart says…”How can you miss her…when you never had her…” but I tell him “I suppose…
That I don’t know how or why…but still forever & a day…she is imbedded…inside of the Structure…of my soul.”
Why Won’t He Just Take It? By Marcos Gray
Everyday above ground…I found…that I am skating on thin ice…
Making me feel as if I’ve opened my eyes…& taken a deep breath…then I
Must repent…because I have…sinned twice.
Or maybe I’m skinned alive…making me feel as if there is no life…without pain… And that there are only dark nights with storms in my future…even…without rain… Even as the sun shines brightly…overhead…so my reflection has said…”Marcos …you are quite insane.”
Am I…for believing that my existence is evidently cruel…
But mom I’m sorry…I never meant to be a tool for destruction..but I was Corrupted…early on…even before elementary school.
Plus love is a ruse…I was taught this by my family’s patriarch…
So my self-hatred was the spark that spawned suicidal inclinations meaning along With my reflection…I hate this shattered heart.
Inside of my chest…behind my clavicle…though at times…I find certain
Things magical…
Such as my continuation of existence…so futile is my resistance…since
I was raised in Chicago’s streets…I found peace…impractical…
And my life was a tactical…error…yet God made it…
So in this “hand” of life I was dealt…I pray for God to forgive me…for the Way…that I played it…
And how I wish to fold…or better yet…why won’t He just Take it?
Cease & Desist
By Marcos Gray
Sadly…my heart has been born resistant to peace…my existence shows my age… My imprisonment…has effectively slayed me…& I am torn…from history’s page… Because only in misery & being forlorn have I been constructed…in isolation
…I have been raised.
The emotional devastation & decomposition of my heart…is weakened & is wreaking Havoc…
The psychological damage due to the depths of my isolation…have now begun… Reaching the breadths…of being perceived as tragic…
I seem carnivorous…with regards to “devouring” my peace…so we…can conclude that I am instinctively…an emotional “savage.”
Ordinarily…
I would keep these things quiet…but I am forced to expose it…how my
“Engagement” to non-reality means…that reality will NEVER “marry” me…
And that my “divorce” from a concept of peace due to self-hatred & an unrequited love… Both of which…will actually bury me…
In the ground.
So lay me at rest…but there will never be peace…
I had found out long ago…that thoughts of death will release me from stress…& that Ultimately…my life must Desist…& my heartbeat must cease…at the very least.
Pacific Ocean
By Marcos Gray
Even though you are not mine…believe that I am ALWAYS still with you… I would dive on top of a hand grenade…before I let a paper airplane …even hit you…I attribute this to…
The fact that…I don’t care much for my life…any way…
I am somewhat scared…that my suicidal inclinations…could reveal Itself…on any day…
Because when I say…to myself…I still seem lost…I then focus…on The most beautiful beacon…
That I look towards as I’m being rushed forward in a tidal wave…so
With all that goes on around me…I anticipate…you…to commence speaking. Telling me…anything…but I wonder what do my words mean…to you &
Do they have any relevance…
Or are they merely full of eloquence…
Or do you care that without you nigh…my soul is in a state…of pestilence.
It’s disease-ridden…
It’s emptier than starving children overseas bitten…
By mosquitoes & flies…& who are too weak…to offer any type of resistance…
To the attack.
I’m lost in the Pacific Ocean without you…because these emotions…have Not yet shifted…I’m coasting…
Drifting away…unto peace…because I care for you the most and…
I’m drenched like I have been caught in a storm…but the rain seems Purple…
I’m encircled…by painful thoughts of you…but the pain doesn’t hurt
You…
My mind…maybe I lost it…or maybe I never had it to begin with…
I cannot pretend that what I feel about you…does not exist…
Because without you…I’m lost in the Pacific Ocean…drowning…without …this beautiful friendship.
Tombstone
By Marcos Gray
God…this girl “kills” me…or at the very least without her…I cannot find
Life…
If she is not mine…even my breathing doesn’t seem right…
And my heartbeat skips so man beats…that I believe…that I’m dying tonight. I’m internally crying & this only seems right…so I adjust to it…
This is not merely lust…so as I pursue this love…& this voice in my head… Says these poems that I construct…are nothing…but foolish.
So I am clueless & subjected…to an emotional turmoil…
She burns the soil of my heart…& every time I’m in her presence I’m Like a kid Suffering from “Affluenza…” so at every turn…I’m nothing but spoiled.
I’m contending with the plurality…& duality of these affections…they are not singular… Based upon the perfection that I’ve seen from her…
I find her to be a blessing…& even if I lost my vocal cords…I would still SCREAM
…for her.
Because in her absence…the earth shifts from its axis…
I am then lifted unto death…because only in my death am I then gifted…with
The proper tactics.
I seem…to believe that with thoughts of you…all else pales…in comparison…
Creating a bombardment of love that will never fail…so you’ve basically created
A garrison…
And by the image of you leaving me alone…means that in a Tombstone…I am buried in.
Vanilla Sky
By Marcos Gray
Seemingly…regarding the depths of these affections…there are no corrective measures…
You are in control of my heart…like it’s a possessive treasure…
That you tear apart…yet God knows…that my life has been made better…since
I met her…
It’s odd…so now I seem to violently “storm…” these weathers…
She is through tears…all that I…
Can see…may she believe…that the clouds overhead are all buried beneath… Since she…is my Vanilla Sky.
You cast overhead the most beautiful sight…& with visions of love…I am Overshadowed…
I am now trapped in the past…desiring to be dead if you aren’t my wife…I’m Compelled to drive myself off of a cliff…& then place my head in the gallows. Because by your acquaintance…I am hallowed…by your face My heart is hollow… All contents of it…have been poured out & if your love was the “kool-aid” I
Was told to drink…then every ounce will be swallowed.
Since my time is already borrowed…I have no qualms with…needing to have to Dire…
And a nuclear bomb in my heart has just exploded…& a mushroom cloud appears And even as I cry…& only see…death…in the shape of your body…because
You are…my Vanilla Sky.
What We Lose In The Fire, We Will Find in the Ash
By Marcos Gray
You burn away the ugliness from my life…God gave you no choice…but for you
To beautify…
This bleakness…exposing an emotional weakness…that compels me to conclude…
That for you…I would gladly die.
So true…& this is why..these affections are quite perceptibly…etched in stone…
And though they are incapable of dying…since you have been infecting me for
Seemingly an eternity…I feel that without you…I will always…be alone…
So may God forgive me…if I am wrong.
But I am not…& I look for a day…that I find a dream…& you appeared so
Now…I dream of a day…
Because even when you leave…you see…in my heart & in my conscious…you will
Forever stay…
I mean even if Alzheimers eventually afflicted me…thoughts of you and I in a “Field
Of dreams…” would NEVER go away.
These imagined memories cannot be lost…even the destruction of decaying brain
Cells…
Because your face…is constructing my heart to swell…
By your departure…creating a deluge of emotional shame…due to what…it actually
Entails.
It is corrosive…
Burning layers away from my skin…the dermis & the epidermis…so my
Sentimentality is explosive…
In every moment when you deprive me…of your closeness…
If this was a “Cause” I would posit…without you…I am hopeless.
Wondering…what type of relationship could my words…actually cultivate…
As I disperse with these thoughts of you…because they emanate…
My every desire…but it is lost in the fire…so maybe I could find it in the ashes…
So when you leave…I am showing that I grieve…by placing ashes…ALL over my face.
A Billion Words
By Marcos Gray
I would give to you EVERYTHING…because this is what you have come to mean…
I Would run & scream on the inside of a 747…& not worry about being shot to death
By an Air Marshal…knowing that it’s not a dream.
I cannot understand these affections…they are as complex & dressed up…as the
Periodic Table…
Clearly I’ve grown…psychotic & it’s fatal…
Like this attraction…but they have not yet been birthed…so it’s like my love
For you…is prenatal.
See…God made you perfect…oops…I mean her…to be as she is…so I would
Become a “crook” for her…
I would even “steal” the president’s life if this is what it took…or I
Would dive on the inside of the Bermuda Triangle…simply to look…for her.
I would create a million poems…& a billion words written which such rapidity
…that they would come…in a blur.
The depths of my love as it’s dispersed…means I in another moment create.a
Billion more words describing…how this man is dying…
When you leave…because I am blowing away in the slightest breeze of your absence
…like I’m an anorexic dandelion…
And against all naysayers who surmise…that you cannot…believe a word I say
Then my God damn me to the hottest part of hell…if I am lying.
Sadly…there is nothing to do to protect me…there are no precautionary measures…
Though…I never had her…but it feels like I lost her…yet she is entrenched
Deep within my heart…like a buried treasure…
Drowning inside of my foolishness…so I could only send her A Billion Words…
Since I have been accosted with thoughts of her…since the day that I met her.
Better Tomorrow
By Marcos Gray
I have felt that I am nothing…for as long as I can remember…
So any notion of hope…that I had constructed by psyche deconstructed…
Without yelling “TIMBER.
Making even a scorching hot July day…of every year…feel like the coldest day in December.
But yet…I still don’t shiver.
I am forever to enter a place in life…forever soul searching…for a better tomorrow…
Because I’ll be the first to admit…that I do not enjoy my excessive hurts…
But they are a part of all of my sorrows.
Plus it seems as if…I am addicted to the anguish…along with self-hatred…as if I were
A chain-smoker…
And I’m Coughing up blood & gasping for air because it’s like I wear pain…
As a serrated choker…
Since I didn’t even get the chase to start life…before the courts told me…that my
“Game of Life…” was over…
Or it’s like I have devoted my heart & soul to a woman…but yet I am convinced…that
I should never dare…approach her.
So now it seems that my body lies in decay in the ocean…as if I’m part of a coral reef…
So with emotions I constantly quarrel…but I cannot be expected to survive…
The psychological beef…
So am I highly illogical because I have simply acquiesced…to this grief…
Hoping for a better tomorrow…but today says…”A Better Tomorrow…is something
…That I don’t deserve to see.”
Dear Society
By Marcos Gray
Dear Society…they sentenced me to life without parole for crimes that occurred when I was
16…this is comparable to a slow death…
So as I awaken nearly 23 years later…noting each of these sick scenes…I’m unfortunately
Counting each exhalation…and hoping…that it’s my last breath
Yet anticipating…the day of my exoneration…or at least…the day of my demise…
So if they find my lifeless body in the “cemented coffin” with dried tears from my eyes…
And self-inflicted lacerations on my wrists…to live…may you all believe…I sincerely tried…
To demonstrate that…the fate they stated…I was destined
To have…was horrible…
How could they just posit that I should sit and rot inside
Like a “breathing cadaver”…because at such a young age
I was deemed incorrigible…
It’s deplorable…but it’s a valid assessment upon which I’m forced to lay bare…
So due to my ancestry…this system actually…does not care…
Yes…they show it to the entire world…that for the African Diaspora in America…noting is
Fair…
So to relay the truth as it stands today…I am not scared.
But prepared to speak the truth…which is easily verified…
How they have long been prepared to destroy our lives and it
Makes no difference to imprison the disenfranchised…even if it
Needs to be done…through lies.
Sadly the racial undertones in each of my poems are too
Noticeable so I must mention…so it is not only my intention…
For the exposition…of the judicial system’s role…as Willies 21st century lynch men…
So as I am venting…and expressing how the courts are no longer
Able to lie…to me…How they wish that I…would be…
Acceptatnt of the option that suicide would allow me…
To die free…
Maiden Voyage
By Marcos Gray
You have caused my heart to set sail…of this Maiden Voyage…
Because of my heart’s actually drowning on thoughts of you…so it can’t be refuted…
These affections…could not be avoided…
This is a truth…I believe that our interactions…no one should be able to destroy it…
And every tactic to be used…to make sure this is not to be the case…tell me what
To do…& I will try to employ it…
For you.
You can speak the simplest sound…I’m even more entranced by every syllable…
I pray to you for forgiveness…for being so pitiful…but since you are so inimitable…
To ponder not having you…as even a Dear Friend…would set me on a crash course…
To a state of being miserable.
So my destination & my fate…will make me conscious of the fact…that I can’t be seen
As… a significant other…
So if I needed to …in an instant shift these emotions…& will try to feel for you…like
A brother…
Before I stand on the bow of the ship…arms outstretched..ready to dive off…before
I scream that “I LOVE HER”
And will place no one above her.
Now I prepare to sink on my Maiden Voyage…like the”Titanic”… an emotional iceberg
I crash…
I’m now drowning in the freezing waters holding onto a broken headboard…but on
The thoughts of her face…inside of my icy tomb…for eternity…these affections…will
Last.
Serrated Rope
By Marcos Gray
The dye has been cast…the set has also been sailed..
Since the day we first met…I have been assailed…
With thoughts of you…because when you leave…you left me with a nine inch
Nail…in my chest…because by visions of you…I am impaled.
The rusted bloody edges of the spikes…are very close…to my hollowed
Heart…
It still feels as if I’ve dived in the Atlantic Ocean…& I tried to
Swallow a shark…
Due to the incendiary nature of these affections…which create this…eternal
Spark…
It burns away the flesh from my bones like a power plant in Chernobyl…
This is how…I am illuminated even in the dark…
Since in no instance can I envision…its end…since it had to start.
Even if only in my dreams do I hold you…I give to you all my secrets…like
You were my journal…
I feel the excessive heat…like I was in “Dante’s Inferno” so I hope that
I don’t burn you…
But I also hope that I don’t burn myself…since they all believe that I
Should not have you…to turn to.
I then turn to God asking Him, “God…what has she done to me?”
My heart & common senses…are effectively lynched…hanging from a poisoned
Tree…
As I lay prostrate at the roots of her perfecton…it’s like she has a
Gun to me.
Forcing Me to submit…while my geography implicates…that she should run
From me.
But there is no escape…since even if I were on another planet you could
See my affections…without a telescope…
I am still one…to forever hope…
That the ties that hold us together…will never be severed… & that they will
NEVER be broke…
Because if they are…everyday would simply be…like me…breathing underwater…
While around my neck…is a serrated rope…forcing me…to drown to my death…
As on your memory…I choke.
For Certain
By Marcos Gray
The Emotional devastation from her absence is like the global catastrophe
…of Pearl harbor…
Yielding national & communal…psychological & physical ruination…
Culminating…in it feeling…like I’ve witnessed…the entire world’s
Slaughter…
Father God…for the way that I love your daughter…am I still to be
Seen…as your son…
Because this isolation…is implicating…that due to my incarceration…
It causes me to believe…that I am nobody…to no one.
I want to be a law-abiding citizen…but one look into her eyes…&
I feel that I would kill…for her…
But not even would my own life’s blood be safe…because this too…I
Would actually spill…for her…
Since the ineptitude of my ability to convey…how I actually feel…
For Her.
I easily reveal to her…my barren soul…she is my Gentle Friend…
Though rightfully so…all who are privy to what she means to me & has
Been…believe that the pain is not worth…the mentioning.
There is so much intention in this sin…because my heart has been yours
…since I first met you…
My eviscerated heart is still placed…beating on the floor…eviscerated
And Beating on the floor…I repeat…every time I have left you.
And if you wanted to…I wouldn’t actually argue I would let you…
Skin me alive…
Because if my dearest friend isn’t by my side…
I only know one thing is for certain…& that is this…if I don’t have
You…then I won’t survive.
Whispers
By Marcos Gray
I believe that my heart isn’t saying what it is…though it’s loud..it still
Sounds…like a Whisper…
It conceives a faulty premise…that since she is not mine…& that I never had
Her..then how could I possibly miss her?
But why…does every time…I envision her face…or we have an interaction…I
Imagine that I kiss her…
Since she leaves me to believe…that I am a magnet & she is an Aircraft Carrier
…so there is no way for me…to possibly resist her…
She is like a transistor…radio calling…ever so gently…on the right frequency…
So as I sink in this emotional “Sea of Love”… a “helicopter” of imaginary hugs…
Appears from above…conveying… what she means to me…
Salvation.
Because in this tunnel that leads to forever…she is always there…
These affections are wireless…
Bounding & tethering me to her…but I’m actually unable to prepare…that for her
…I deeply care…& as my heart runs…it’s tireless.
So I have come to admire this…fact…that I am hopeless…
I tell to the mice in this cell that I love her & would die for her…& I state
“I would detonate a nuclear bomb for her”…to my friend…the roaches…
And that even when she is near…I fear…that I miss her…
Since no sane man could possibly resist her…
But this feeling I am forced to keep it between my heart & myself…so I
Say it…in a Whisper.
Hidden
By Marcos Gray
These affections are threatening…to push me in the direction…of falling off a cliff…
Accosted by your perfection…because I perceive you to be…an eternal gift…
That is not mine to unwrap…but nevertheless…my state of depression…you
Unquestionably shift…
So God…in my confession…I’m begging for forgiveness…for my going “off-script.”
So intimately I state my feelings…are not implied…but definitively…they are
Spoken…
So I take back my apologies to God since I Impenitently state…that without you I
Cannot survive…I won’t even make any attempts…to do so…because it would be
Hopeless.
Plus I am subjected to a lynching…but it’s ropeless…I hang from my intestines…
Based Upon…the depths of the impressions you left…so even as I reside inside
Of hell…with this acquaintance..I find it to be a heavenly blessing.
So I am forever suggesting…that you be placed upon a pedestal…
And if in order to better prove…
The depths of my affections are beyond question…so I can state that these feelings…
Will never move…
These emotions will conclude…with my life & they cannot be extricated..
There will be layers upon layers of love for you…which are concealing my self-hatred…
I am now Hidden in my thoughts of you…& to a land of peace…my heart…you take it.
Eternal Life
By Marcos Gray
My adolescence was entailed…of nothing…but tragic lessons…
Peace has been sequestered…outside of my existence…inside of this cell…
So on prison bars…I am impaled…praying…for massive blessings…like my
Escape from this hell.
But in this disaster…my soul is sifted…I’m questioning…what can I really
Endure…
My pain…seems to be…the only thing…that is pure…so my brain tells…the
Shame inside of my heart…that my suicide…is the cure.
Plus…I am led to believe…that I should hate…what I cannot have…
This is a Machiavellian principle in concept…so don’t expect for me to smile…
When I cannot laugh…
After enduring emotional judicial trials as a child…fighting for my life…so
Don’t expect me to act like I am not mad…or sad.
But no…I won’t shed a tear…No, I cannot cry…
Because peace has been miscarried like my only child…so I’m engulfed in flames…
Crashing back down to the ground…because in agony I die…unable to fly.
Since I have no strings attaching me…to anyone…or anything that seems to care…
Though I reside in a land of a thousand stares…meaning 2000 eyes are judging me…
Claiming that my anguish is something…I should not share.
So now I dare…to state…that my self-perception…is skewed…
By this emotional deception…which is imbued…
On my psyche…impacting me like I was hit by a cement truck…and my mind is
Confused.
So…now I attempt…to cast to the wind…my deadly sin…
While speaking to my deadliest friend…
My reflection…simply begging God to end my existence…so that my peace can begin.
Asylum
By Marcos Gray
In my mind…I find it hard ever believing…I’ll attain a “white picket fence…”
Because I am going crazy if she…is not mine…nothing in the world…seems to
Be…making any sense…
If I can’t get her to believe…that my affections are not laced…with wicked
Intents.
Every breath tastes like it has been mixed…with glass-filled arsenic…
So I choke & gag & attempt to spit…up the poison that I have digested…&
Without her..essentially my heart is sick…
Unto death.
Though I am looking at Prison’s front door…I abhor the reality…that if she’s
Not behind it…
Then I will spontaneously combust…exploding revealing emotional destruction…she has
Timed it…
I then implode…& so my heart leaps on this “lily pad” of affections…like
An energetic tadpole…
And without her…I am physically weakened & do not regret the reality…that I am a
Sad soul…
Forced to act on a stage of misery…playing this tragic protagonist…in this
Mad role.
But there will be no…emmy nominations…
Because without her with me…every second is my enemy…& the drama is now stationed…
Right behind me in a padded room as I wear a straitjacket…in this Asylum…
Where she & I can have …a friendly conversation…
But she is not there.
Broken Wings (Part II)
By Marcos Gray
I can never let her go…so there is no “water underneath the bridge”…if so
Down…I will burn it…
If I saved the whole world from being destroyed…by a flour mile asteroid…her love
…I still would feel…that her love…that I could NOT earn it.
I even learned that …to resist her & these affections would require the
Strength…of a “super human…”
But the truth is…she is my Kryptonite…so as I try to resist her powers every night
…but the truth is…I’m ruined.
Because she is bright…lighting up the entire world…like she was fluorescent…
So as I’m praying to the Lord…for a blessing…
And it is that…she & I will NEVER be absent from each other’s lives…
But this is hard…because I feel that she is royalty…& I am a lowly peasant.
This is how things seem…for the time being…
You cannot imagine…the things that my mind is seeing…
Like my heart is crying…& my soul is screaming…
Under the emotional guillotine…feeling like I’m dying…every time…you are leaving.
I want this to be easy for you to believe…& I hope so…
Because without you in my existence there seems to be no reason to go on…so I
Knot the serrated rope slow…
Do not smile…because this is not a joke…no…
It is me realizing…that without you I am barely surviving…left only with
Broken Wings…& since I can’t fly without you…then I will only float on…to my
Death…when I see you go.
Sickness
By Marcos Gray
I seek my freedom…as if this was the only thing…on my itinerary…
Because my innocence has been buried under a pile of lies…so there will be no
Smile from my eyes…as long as my earthly body tarries…inside…
Of this wretched prison…& in my existence it seems I’m so outdated…that I’m
Actually prehistoric…
Because peace…I couldn’t lease it or afford it…
So this causes me to believe…that everything about Marcos…we abhor it & deplore it.
To a point…that even now…here death lurks…
I am already being driven around in the back of a hearse…
Incapable of retracting the fact…that I am consumed…by aggressive…adolescent
Hurts…so I stop looking for joy because nothing works.
So I’m receiving X’s & O’s from death…giving passionate hugs & kisses…
And I was so enamored by slugs…that my pistols used to be treated…as my missus…
But the psychological maladies…could be perceived then…as my faithful…mistress…
So before I go…I simply pray…”Father…take away from me…this sickness.”
In the Skies
By Marcos Gray
They say that “comparison…is the thief of joy…”, well…
Then mine has been taken…
My mind is shaken & not stirred…so now with suicidal
Ideations I am debating…& not just with words…I’m
Crying…wondering am I…mistaken.
For believing…that I have a purpose here…
These 23 years inside of a “cemented coffin” as a “breathing
Cadaver”…means that I see my pain…real clear…
Because it’s always near.
Now each time I breathe…it seems as if all I Have…
Are collapsed lungs…
Perhaps I am simply hung up on the fact that on society’s
Totem pole…I occupy the lowest rung…
Which makes me feel like a legal immigrant buried under
The American flag…while I’m covered in dung.
Snow the pain is pervasive…
It’s like I only feel that my heart needs a transplant…&
My face needs a facelift…
So now the weight of my incarceration has not yet begun
To shift…so with thoughts of my death…I Replace it.
My imprisonment feels odd…like my tongue has been cut out…
But somehow…I’m still talking…
My body has been exsanguinated…yet I’m somehow still bleeding…
And my legs have been amputated…but somehow I’m still
Walking.
Since this is a coffin…take these words as something
To remember me by…
Save Your tears…dry your eyes…
Because would you rather I exist in constant misery on earth…
Or that I rest in peace with Christ…past the clouds
Up in the skies.
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