I was recently asked if there is anything I’ll miss about prison after I’m released. While my initial response was an emphatic “absolutely nothing,” this question stuck with me and, upon further reflection, the surprising answer is that there are several significant aspects of prison life I will miss and, more than that, being arrested may have actually saved my life. And beyond all this, during my time in prison, I have become much more of the man I want to be. And in this blog, I would like to share all this.
First, just to let you know, I am currently on the home stretch of a fifteen-year sentence in a minimum-security prison, and I am very much looking forward to my release. That being said, if I am truly honest with you (and myself), I have really benefitted from my time in prison. At the time of my arrest, I was mired in the pornography addiction that landed me in here, and I was in a difficult and abusive marriage, which I didn’t have the strength to leave. I was also struggling to reconcile myself to my persistent same-sex attraction and I was feeling isolated and suicidal. If not for my arrest, which put the brakes on my downhill slide, I’m not sure I would still be around to write this article. And I truly doubt that I would have transformed from the unconscious, reactive person I was into a thoughtful self-aware human being that I am still becoming.
So how did it all happen? And what did it have to do with prison? Prisons seem to be designed to be inmate warehouses rather than rehab facilities. You can spend your whole sentence stagnating or even getting into more trouble and there is very little help from the institution to deal with personal struggles or improvement. However, for someone who is highly motivated, despite the difficult circumstances, prison can serve as a place to get your life back in order. That’s what it has done for me. My arrest brought my darkest secrets into the light, and more importantly, yanked me out of my messed-up life, which allowed me to get the help I needed to address my issues. Being arrested finally motivated me to get psychological counseling, and I have continued regular sessions even during my years inside.
But aside from the outside counseling, what are some of the aspects of prison life itself that have helped me in my recovery? What will I miss after I’m released? And why am I nevertheless looking forward to getting out and living a new life?
Structure
My life outside of prison was full of uncertainty, with constant decisions to be made with a wide range of choices and related consequences that were a daily source of stress and anxiety. Prison on the other hand is very structured. There is no need for me to stress over when I’ll have time to squeeze in a meal or what to eat. Now my meals are served at approximately the same time each day and the menu is on a 5-week rotation. I know that lunch on Tuesday is always a chicken patty, Wednesday’s lunch will be a hamburger, and lunch on Thursday will be a chicken leg quarter. It’s all very regimented for everyone’s ease.
When it comes to a job, there are no crazy hours like I had on the outside, where I never knew when I would get home or when my weekend would be ruined by work that needed to get done. In prison, my work hours are set and, if there is any fluctuation, it is working less, not more. All very easy and low stress.
Other than work, my choices for other activities are going to recreation, the library/education, or the chapel. Movement between locations is always on the hour on the same hours of the day (at least when they run on schedule) and I have 5 minutes to get there or back. Or if I prefer, I can never leave the housing unit. Unlike on the outside, I have no need to choose between a wide variety of activities and face the challenge of finding something all my family and buddies would like to do, and there’s no need for me to coordinate schedules, purchase tickets if necessary, fight crowds and traffic, etc., which to me was a constant source of stress. In prison, there are very few surprises other than when things unexpectedly shut down.
While there is some comfort and reduced stress to be found in this level of structure, it can also become very stagnating, both intellectually and spiritually. Having become complacent with this level of structure, it has become increasingly difficult for me to adapt to the unstructured and to deal with changes and challenges when they arise. My coping muscles have gotten flabby; people in prison call it becoming “institutionalized.” That is one big reason I look forward to getting out of prison, so that I can have more choices, and face new challenges. That may cause me more stress at times, but it’s also the only way I will continue to grow, improve, and to feel truly alive. Who wants to live their life stuck in a rut? Not me!
Simplicity
Another aspect of prison life I will miss when I leave is its simplicity. Unlike my life before prison, all my possessions have to fit into one locker, so hoarding or buying things I don’t really need are not an option. I have learned to live with very few material goods and, for the most part, I really don’t miss them. I now see that working hard to attain “stuff” never made me happy and most of these things I’m better off without.
I also went from working a high-stress, high pressure job with 60-plus hours a week to a no-stress job working very few hours. Unfortunately, I earn only $15 per month, but even though the pay is low, I don’t have to worry about paying for housing, medical care, or food (although without purchasing additional food from commissary, I would probably starve). I don’t have to fight traffic twice a day to commute to and from work or worry about rising gas prices. I no longer have the pressure I felt working at a job and being stuck in a career that was sucking the life out of me in order to support me and my family in a lifestyle that was unnecessarily extravagant.
In prison, I can no longer watch TV, browse the internet, partake in social media, or use a smartphone. At first, I thought this was terrible, but after a period of detox, I find that I really don’t miss them. I look back and see how much time and energy I wasted using these devices, including using a computer to feed my pornography addiction and being engaged in all the drama of social media, and I’m glad to be free of it all. My life is much richer and more productive as a result.
Prison has taught me some great lessons about the joys and benefits of a simpler life. I now see that living a fast-paced, materialistic life was leaving me unhappy, stressed out and unfulfilled. However, after 9 years of incarceration, I feel like prison has taught me all it can in this regard, and I am now ready to apply this knowledge to the “real” world.
While simplicity in life is good, I feel confident that I don’t have to give up everything in order to live a happy, productive life when I’m out. The key for my success will be for me to focus on living a balanced life. I miss some of the simple pleasures that I cannot experience locked behind a razor wire, like a walk in the woods, bicycling along the Missouri river, and spending time in nature meditating in the peace and quiet (there is no peace and quiet anywhere in prison). These are activities I really enjoy, which I discovered only after my arrest but prior to my incarceration. I’d love to own a small house with enough land for a garden. I’ll probably also get a TV, computer, and smartphone, as it’s hard to participate in society nowadays without them. However, this time I will make sure they don’t take over my life and become a major time and money waster as they have in the past.
I also look forward to getting a job and being able to use my somewhat rusty accounting skills and become a productive member of society once again, or perhaps to start a completely new career. Maybe become a blogger? This time though, working will not only be about making money, but instead I’ll look for a job that pays enough for me to live but without working myself to death. I also want to seek work that gives me personal fulfillment.
While life outside prison is definitely more complicated, I can’t wait to use the lessons I’ve learned in prison regarding the benefits of simplicity in order to create a balanced, joyful, and fulfilling life when I am released.
Free Time
Free time was one thing I never had enough of prior to prison. Between work and family responsibilities, I had very little time to pursue activities I enjoyed or to spend learning and growing, and, unfortunately, a lot of the personal time I did have was wasted on my pornography addiction. Now that I’m in prison, I have practically nothing but free time and have been doing my best to use it productively.
I now spend a lot of my time exercising outside in the recreation yard. I’ve lost 35 pounds and am in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in in my life. Plus, burning those extra calories also allows me to engage in another pastime I enjoy: snacking without putting on extra pounds. But beyond that extra benefit, being outside is its own reward. Enjoying the sunshine, even behind razor wire, is much better than being stuck indoors all day in an office, which is how I lived before.
On a more practical level, I’ve also been able to use some of my free time to take vocational training classes in electrical and plumbing installation and repair. These skills are something I’ve always wanted to learn, and they will definitely come in handy when I get out and own my own home. Unfortunately, most federal prisons, including the one I’m currently in, do not offer these classes, even though they are a very productive use of time.
When it comes to leisure activities, I’ve taken up oil painting, an activity I would never have tried prior to prison, and I find it enjoyable and relaxing. To my great surprise, I’ve discovered I’m pretty good at it, even though my 7th grade art teacher told me I had no artistic talent – true story. I’ve also had more time to read, something I’ve always loved to do but as I got older never had time for. In addition, I’ve begun reading non-fiction books, particularly biographies, self-help, and spiritual books. And this has broadened my perspective on a lot of issues and has helped me to better understand and have more compassion for both me and others, particularly people different from me and the life challenges we all face. And, finally, I now spend some of my leisure time writing, which has led to this and two prior essays. This is something I would never have considered trying prior to being in prison.
While I have enjoyed all this free time, which at the time of my arrest, I desperately needed, I’ve had enough. I’m now ready to get out of prison and find meaningful work and pursue other interests. Even though I try to make productive use of my time, prison affords me limited options, which unfortunately excludes some activities I have a real passion for, so life tends to get monotonous. Plus, I want my life to have more meaning and I long to experience a sense of accomplishment, which is currently lacking in my prison life. Having free time is great but not being able to make full use of it can also make life boring and unfulfilling (as some retired people have also expressed regarding their own lives). The challenge for me, one I look forward to, will be to keep a healthy balance between work and productive, life-enriching, and enjoyable free time. That way I can have the best of both worlds.
Social Aspects
I think what I will miss most about prison is a readily accessible social circle. Before prison, it was always a challenge to schedule time to meet with friends, as everyone was always so busy. Mostly friends and I would meet for lunch, where we’d have a quick chat about work and family between bites of our meal, and then it was back to work. Every so often, a group of us would meet at someone’s house to hang out. These meetings were usually few and far between. I also attended family get-togethers, mainly for holidays and birthdays. Otherwise, my entire social life was comprised of interactions with my wife, which were challenging and stressful at times, and with my son, and though I loved relating to him, those interactions were no substitute for adult connections. I had no close friends that I could turn to when life got difficult, and I felt lonely and misunderstood. And because of my own makeup and conditioning, it was very difficult for me to make new friends.
Since prison, I have ready access to a wide variety of people. I live in a big open area with 120 plus other guys and there are 1,400 others in the prison that I can run across at the library, the chow hall or recreation. That’s a big pool of friends to choose from. Plus, everyone’s schedule is pretty wide open so finding a time to meet and hang out with someone is not an issue, particularly if they live in my unit.
I’m happy to say that I get asked daily if I want to play a card game or a board game. If I’m in the mood to talk to someone or just hang out, there’s no waiting weeks or months to coordinate schedules. I can talk to my bunky or go next door to walk around and find someone else who is available. I also have people randomly drop by to talk (sometimes this happens more often than I would like). I haven’t had this level of social availability since I left school.
Prison has also expanded me as a person. I live with a much more diverse group of people than I’ve ever been associated with in the past. There are gang members, drug dealers, child molesters, undocumented immigrants, middle-class white guys like me and everything in between. I also interact with people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations. While this level of diversity can sometimes be frustrating because of the opportunity for misunderstandings, and some of the people are downright scary, it has really opened my eyes to radically different life perspectives. Not only have I learned a lot from these people, but they are also helping me to become a more open-minded, less judgmental person. Some of the people I’ve met in prison have been really great and others I don’t like being around. Either way, I’ve learned to better see the humanity and oneness in everyone. It’s easy to negatively judge groups of people when your only information comes from stereotypes, reading the newspaper, or watching TV. It’s much different when you live with someone and experience them as an individual. I have come to realize that all people have way more similarities than differences and we are all one. In prison, I get to recognize and appreciate this on a daily basis, and I continue to work through my personal biases on a daily basis as well.
I have also made gay friends in prison, something I never had on the outside. These are friends I can talk to; I can ask them questions and joke with them, and I can be accepted for who I am. This has helped me to better understand and accept the gay part of myself and to break out of the unhealthy pattern of denial and shame I’ve lived with my whole life. While there is prejudice against gay people in prison, just like on the outside, here at least I have a group of people to support and protect me should problems arise. I have a feeling of belonging and acceptance I never felt outside of prison, and I no longer feel so different, defective, and alone.
Most importantly, in prison I’ve made friends that I can open up to and with whom I can discuss more personal topics. In addition to normal chat, we also talk about our addictions and other serious issues. I now belong to a group of people who truly understand each other’s struggles and can be there for help and support. I never had friendships like that outside of prison, where our discussions were generally rather shallow, and I did not feel safe enough to share intimate details about myself or go to them for help in my times of need. Who would have thought I would find the close friendships I always wanted, but never seemed to have, and that I would find them in prison of all places?
The problem with prison friendships is that they are temporary. Between inmate transfers (this is my third institution), strict rules forbidding contact with other felons upon release, and living in different cities or states, it is nearly impossible to continue prison relationships in the long-term. Promises to stay in touch, no matter how well-intentioned, just don’t play out in reality. While it will be harder to meet people and make friends outside of prison, I look forward to being released so I can begin making some that can last.
As I look forward, I realize that right now, other than family, I have very little social support waiting for me upon my release. On the one hand, this is daunting and scary, but on the other hand, it is also a great opportunity. All the shallow, meaningless, time-wasting relationships that I gathered over the years are gone. So are some good relationships that I allowed to stagnant, and which could not survive the strain of my arrest. I will get to start over with a blank slate. I will be able to use my free time and what I’ve learned in prison to form and maintain strong, meaningful, and healthy relationships with people with whom I can truly connect and who will love me for who I am. I hope when I’m out, I will continue on this path of no longer pretending to be someone I’m not in order to feel loved. What a huge relief that will be!
So, to sum it all up: Despite the many negative aspects of prison, there are some redeeming qualities about my prison experience that I’m going to miss after my release. The structure and simplicity of prison have made my life easier and less stressful. The extra free time has allowed me to get in shape and learn new skills, and the social aspects of prison have allowed me to experience loving close friendships, to open up and receive support for my gay feelings, and to work on having healthier relationships.
Prison has afforded me these opportunities, but hard work has been key to taking advantage of them. Using my time for outside counseling and soul-searching has been a huge part of the miracle of my transformation. Even though my counselor and I have only 10 minutes to talk every two weeks, her insights and questions have definitely propelled me forward. And so, while being imprisoned could have been destructive to my soul, instead, it has helped me grow in how I relate to myself, others, and life itself. I am not the man who walked through the gates of prison so many years ago. I should note here, though, that I have not been physically abused in prison, so although I have had to face some verbal harassment, threats, and mistreatment, I have not been traumatized, which might be the case for so many others. And so, I am not comparing myself to others who have not had my good fortune. I am simply sharing what I have experienced and what has worked for me.
But now I feel ready to move on, though I have many years to go. While prison has been a great place for me to develop and transform, it is but a small microcosm of the world and after 9 years I believe that I’ve outgrown it. I’m now ready to try to live the new me in a larger context. And so, I’m ready to let these benefits go in order to take all I’ve learned and apply it to life on the outside, where there are fewer boundaries to what I can achieve. Is the prospect of getting out of my current prison comfort zone scary? Absolutely! But it’s also very exciting and I look forward to the challenge.
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