Each of our personal histories include both pain and beauty; joy and sadness; ease and difficulty; trauma and healing. A glimpse of my history is tattooed on my right hand, naming a core false belief passed down to me from my grossly dysfunctional family-of-origin.
B O RN S C U M is the old belief inked between my knuckles and this belief did not begin to change for me until I hit the age of thirty. My childhood was without much childhood but instead was riddled with pain, violence, sexual abuse, and trauma. For most of my life I projected these same harmful traits onto the people around me. Today, more than ten years after the fact, I am currently and willingly serving a prison term for sex crimes. I say willingly because the healing and transformation I have experienced led me to accept total responsibility for my actions, the pain I caused, and to tum myself in to the authorities.
Unfortunately, there will always be some people who believe such unhealthy sexuality is irredeemable, and authentic change is not possible. Such people brand me, and any other man with similar unhealthy behavior as “evil,” or determine that this tragic level of unhealthiness is innate to our masculine nature. I assure you that never once, as a young boy or at any other time in my life, did I imagine that one day I would call myself a sex offender. In his book, Tattoos On The Heart, Gregory Boyle reminds us that all demonizing is untruth and “slapping the dismissive label of ‘evil’ on a person has never seemed very sophisticated or reverent of human complexity.” To believe that for anyone their healing and change is impossible is irresponsible and neither serves to heal past hurts nor protect anybody from future sexually harmful experiences.
Unhealthy sexuality, aggression, and toxicity are not innate to male nature and can be redeemed. I believe that sexuality is the primary issue for what is most in need of healing and change, and that unhealthy sexuality is built up and supported by learned attitudes and behaviors that can be unlearned. Countless men struggle in matters of sexuality and the truth of this struggle is revealed through sexism, sexual harassment, sexual addictions, sexually coercive behavior, and sex crimes against women.
The Mythopoetic Men’s Movement of the 1980s and ‘90s is credited with the first list of behaviors that are toxic to masculinity:
- Extreme self-reliance/the need to do everything on their own (making it less likely for men to seek treatment or reach out for help financially)
- Shame, disassociation, and avoidance of emotional expression (think: boys/men don’t cry, leaving boys/men with few acceptable emotions beside anger)
- Extreme aspiration for physical, sexual, and intellectual dominance
- Devaluation of women’s opinions, body, and sense of self
- Condemning anything feminine within another man or equating affection for another man as being sexually attracted to other men, resulting in higher isolation and loneliness/lack of social cohesion (Focus for Health)
This list clearly defines the term “toxic masculinity” and is not presented in an effort to define the innate nature of a man. Critics, however, believe the term itself is an attack on male nature in general. But what is innate to male nature? The website National Review offers several articles attempting to answer this question. One writer, Mark Tapson, feels “the problem today is not so much that boys are being steered into rigid, macho sex roles, but that they are being steered away from traditionally masculine attitudes and interests” (2). He concludes that we adults just need to let kids be kids and they will eventually figure out who they are on their own, and “without any social-justice meddling to steer them in frankly unnatural directions” (3). No clear definitions for “traditionally masculine” or “unnatural directions” are offered.
In a different article from Tapson, titled “Houston Rescuers Prove the Lie of ‘Toxic Masculinity,’” makes clear that when the term toxic masculinity is used he sees this as a full-frontal assault on male nature. He offers several examples of men helping others in various was during the catastrophic hurricanes, Harvey and Katrina. These examples are meant to support his belief that helping is “the true and chivalric nature of masculinity: men acting on their natural responsibility as protectors, stepping up, at a risk to their own lives, to help those unable to help themselves” (2). I wonder, is it only men who protect? Do not women and mothers feel a natural responsibility to protect as well? Tapson shares one woman’s response to the men’s heroic efforts, “This is just what men do” (5). I must ask, all men? And if they don’t? What are they? Are they still men? Were there any women on the front lines of these disasters? Or were there just women acting like men?
An essay titled “Farewell, Masculinity: We’ll Miss You When You ‘re Gone,” by Heather Wilhelm, specifically attacks the statement she found on the website of the American Psychological Association (APA): “Indeed, when researchers strip away stereotypes and expectations, there isn’t much difference in the basic behaviors of men and women.” Wilhelm’s attempt to discredit this assertion is this: “There is no direct or encompassing citation for this impressively sweeping statement, probably because it is (a) untrue, (b) unscientific, and (c) likely to make God laugh” (2). Wilhelm herself offers no sources for her own impressively sweeping statement. She does, however, concede that “it is not good to box people into rigid roles, nor is it good to teach boys to suppress their emotions just because they’re boys” (3). She also shares and supports two elements of traditional masculinity as given by the APA: courage and leadership. But I must ask again, are these traits only masculine? Are not women courageous? Are women not born leaders?
One last author in my limited search for traits inherent only to men, Ben Shapiro, shares a bit of his childhood experiences in his article “The ‘Toxic Masculinity’ Smear.’ He tells of being routinely bullied, and this “meant severe physical abuse and some relatively egregious torment at the hands of classmates” (2). These experiences surely inform his later statement that “Men have an innate drive for aggression” (3). Shapiro discusses his view of the “Left” and their support of the term toxic masculinity. He feels that supporting this term leaves us men with only two unfortunate choices: emasculation or toxic masculinity. He concludes that this choice works against “men’s special protective and creative role in society [and] will eventually boil over into violence, sink away into irrelevance, or return to the truth: that the male aggressive instinct can be good but must be trained, not excised” (5). Aside from the innate drive for aggression, this article offers little revelation of what is natural inside us men.
The masculinity in these articles, along with so many others like them, is primarily supported by tradition, and tradition is upheld by cultural and social norms. Men’s attitudes and behaviors toward women that lead to the gamut of struggle with unhealthy sexuality, from sexism to sex crimes, have for far too long been traditionally and culturally dismissed as part of men’s nature. We are all too familiar with the phrases, “It’s just boys being boys” and “They’re mean to you because they like you.” These traditional excuses must go.
Sexism and Sexual Harassment
Sociologist John Macionis defines sexism as “the belief that one sex is innately superior to the other” (104). We can see the reality of sexism everywhere in our patriarchal society. Men hold the majority of lead roles in every arena: workplace, religious, political, military, higher education, sports, etc. Sexism is the traditional false belief that presumes women are less worthy/important/intelligent/capable as men. Macionis defines sexual harassment as “unwanted comments, gestures, or physical contact of a sexually suggestive nature” (114). From an early age, as the above catchphrases remind us, much of a boy’s inappropriate behavior toward girls is not seen as a valid form of harm. Boys are too often not told to stop their behavior and girls are told to take the boy’s behavior as a compliment.
Malin Christina Wikstrom, a professor at the University of Aberdeen, Scotland, in an article published in a peer-reviewed journal, reveals how society often reinforces sexist attitudes and behaviors by nurturing the “sporting culture” for boys and the “appearance culture” for girls. As we know this sporting culture is defined by competition, power, domination, strength, aggression, and the “manly” body-type one must have in order to succeed in it. If boys/men feel this is unattainable or dissatisfied with their bodies, they may “feel insecure about their masculinity, which in turn may trigger sexual harassment of others to gain a feeling of superiority” (30). Men can also feel intimidated by women and “harass them to re-establish the dominance they feel entitled to have” (30). Another question: Men, how many women have we devalued with our gestures, wolf-whistles and verbal catcalls or jokes imbued with subtle pressures and erotic undertones? This is not just boys being boys and these are not compliments.
Sexual Addictions
One Webster definition of addiction is the “persistent use of a substance known by the user to be harmful” (9). Pairing this definition with issues of a sexual nature can manifest in
many ways and can be difficult to define. One example is pornography. Although pornography is legal and perfectly acceptable for many individuals, there are numerous ways a man can be compulsively addicted to it in its many forms. Men have lost jobs, marriages, and other relationships due to their addictive compulsivity to pornography and this unwanted sexual behavior is often engaged in in secret and shrouded in a gloomy cloud of shame. Nevertheless, “the pornography industry as a whole is now a $13 billion-a-year industry, which is more than the total economic output of some countries” (Macionis 210). This industry is primarily supported by men and many people see “pornography as a power issue, noting that sexually explicit material typically depicts women as the playthings of men” (211). Not everyone agrees on what may be deemed decent or obscene, healthy or unhealthy. But if we men were to view pornography, and the sex industry as a whole, through a filter of honor, and in the context of giving honor to a woman or taking honor from her, I bet most of us could agree pornography and the sex industry falls far short of giving honor to a woman.
Sexually Coercive Behavior
A man’s childhood experiences hold many factors that can support unhealthy sexuality. In 2016, the APA gathered information from a large number of male sex offenders by way of a survey-exam called the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Scale. The conductors of this study, Melissa D. Grady and Jill S. Levenson, found that the most significant factors supporting sexually deviant behavior as an adult are childhood sexual abuse, emotional neglect, mental illness in the home, and single parents. The strongest contributors to sexually violent behavior are physical abuse, substance abuse in the home, and a family member in prison.
Tragically, too many of our stories include many of these factors, if not all of them.
The authors go on to explain that a childhood environment of chaos, abuse, and general toxicity creates an increased release of particular hormones that will stunt the growth of certain necessary neural connections, thus distorting “emotional regulation, social attachment, impulse control, and cognitive processing” (94). This study shows just how much our childhood experiences shape the belief systems which drive much of our adult behavior.
A separate study titled “Attachment and Coercive Sexual Behavior,” by Stephen W. Smallbone and Mark R. Dadds, holds a noteworthy finding that “paternal avoidant attachment was the only one of the six childhood attachment variables to be significantly related to coercive sexual behavior” (11). Unsurprisingly, the common factors revealed in the backgrounds of the sexually coercive participants, similar to the ACE study, are “poor or nonexistent paternal relationships, unstable and unnurturing home environments, familial chaos and marital discord, and severe and inconsistent punishment by parents” (4). I wonder how many of the men in these studies heard things like this when they were boys: “Man up!” “Quit your crying!” “Don’t be a sissy!” “Don’t let them treat you like that!” or “Boys will be boys”?
Sex Crimes against Women
The U.S. Department of Justice, in partnership with the FBI, brought to light a staggering reality regarding sex crimes in this nation. 84,000 crimes of rape were reported in 2012 and this number only reflects the 28 percent of female victims over the age of eighteen that actually reported the crime. The study showed the main reasons for not reporting are fear and shame (Macionis 164). Take the number of 84,000 and do the division math in minutes of the day. The result equates to about six minutes. Now remember this number is also less than one third of the more accurate number. Pause for a moment …. Yes, it’s real. A woman was raped approximately every two minutes …of every day… all… year… long…
I apologize, it feels disrespectful to continue, but I must. There is light to pierce the darkness. I promise.
Healing and Change
Each of these categories of harmful and unhealthy sexuality evince men’s attitudes and behaviors that are toxic, damaging, and traumatic for women and for themselves. They are learned when we are boys and practiced as we become men. They can also be unlearned. Most of our damaged histories can be healed and transformed. For this healing to be genuine and the transformation to be lasting we must seek healing at our roots; in the belief systems created out of our childhood experiences. One model for this process can be found in the teachings of a relapse prevention counseling called The Genesis Process, developed by Michael Dye. I once took part in a 40-hour training seminar covering this process while I was working at a men’s recovery home that implements this method.
Dye explains how behavior modification, also known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is the typical institutional approach to remedy compulsive or addictive behavior, which is effectively attempting to train our behavior to become a different behavior without healing and transforming the belief systems that support the unwanted behavior. Dye asserts that “trying to control an addictive [sexist, sexually harassing, sexually compulsive, sexually coercive, sexually violent] behavior without changing the faulty belief systems that support it is an exercise in futility” (1). The course manual offers many encouraging and practical exercises that focus our therapeutic efforts on our roots, our genesis, thus altering our false belief systems that, in turn, change how we express the emotions that propel our behaviors onto the people around us. Dye also drives home the point that we cannot undergo the process of healing and transformation alone. A healthy and supportive community to accompany us is imperative to this process.
The primary factor in building and maintaining this supportive community is “learning to trust again” (7). We must learn to trust ourselves, we must learn to trust others, and we must become trustworthy again. It can be extremely challenging for us and our communities to believe that this is possible, and especially those we have hurt with our behaviors and actions. Even so, building or re-establishing this type of trusting community is not impossible. I remember Dye having us consider this notion during our training: 100 percent of the non-physical pain we have experienced in our lives has been the result of relationships; what someone did or didn’t do to us, for us, or around us; what someone did or didn’t say, to us, or about us, or over us. And one of the most frightening truths we must confront at some point in our lives is this: Genuine and lasting healing and transformation of any of this pain happens in the context of relationships–healthy relationships.
Unhealthy sexuality, aggression, and toxicity are not innate to male nature. These traits are a by-product of tradition, parental and societal expectations, and learned attitudes and behaviors that can be transformed. Researchers Phyllis Ohm and Garry Perry define healthy sexuality as the ability to appreciate one’s own sexual feelings and act on them through a variety of channels (e.g., abstention, masturbation, fantasies, consenting sexual relationships) without impinging on their own or other’s right to privacy, mastery and enjoyment/satisfaction. Sexuality, while it may be part of a relationship with another person, is neither the sole reason for the relationship nor does it take the place of meeting other relational needs. (158).
Men, if this is you, great. Live it out well and challenge other men in your life. If this is an identity you are longing for, pursue it relentlessly. You are not alone, and this is not impossible. We men, along with the rest of society must receive this challenge: [We must] use our current knowledge as a way of decreasing stigma getting to the root of the issue, rather than continuing to focus solely on the symptoms or results of [men’s] behavior [and] If men feel threatened by independent and strong women, the solution is not to hide women’s strength but rather to give these men support to understand and change their behavior before they harass, intrude, or commit acts of violence. (Wikstrom 31)
This does not mean we will not hold men accountable for sex crimes or other wrongdoing, but approaching the issues at their root, with healing and transformation as goals alongside punishment, allows the greatest opportunity for men to truly come to know and understand deeply the pain and trauma they have caused; come to know deeply pain and trauma of their own; and come to truly desire a more healed and healthy sexuality.
The more men with a genuinely healed and transformed sexuality, the fewer victims of harmful and damaging sexuality there will be. I am grateful to know my false belief systems are more healed and healthier these days. I am not born scum. I am a man who is healing and becoming healthier every day. Allow me to close with this quote from author John Eldridge: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs is for more men to come alive.”
Works Cited
Boyle, Gregory. Tattoos On The Heart. New York: Free Press, 2010.
Stephen W. Smallbone and Dadds, Mark R. “Attachment and Coercive Sexual Behavior.”
Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment 12.1 (2000): 3-15.
Dye, Michael. The Genesis Process: A Relapse Prevention Workbook/or Addictive/Compulsive Behaviors. No publisher listed, 1998.
Eldredge, John. Wild At Heart. Thomas Nelson Publisher, 2001.
“How Toxic Masculinity Harms Men and Society as A Whole.” “www.focusforhealth.org.” n.d.
Focus for Health. Web. 04 Nov. 2020.
Grady, Melissa D., and Jill S. Levenson. “The Influence of Childhood Trauma on Sexual Violence and Sexual Deviance in Adulthood.” Traumatology 22.2 (2016): 94-103.
Macionis, John. Social Problems. Pearson Education, Inc., 2015.
Ohm, Phyllis, and Garry Perry. “The Role Healthy Sexuality Plays in Modifying Abusive Behaviours of Adolescent Sex Offenders: Practical Considerations for Professionals.” Canadian Journal of Counseling 33.2 (1999): 157-69.
Shapiro, Ben. “The ‘Toxic Masculinity’ Smear.” n.d. National Review. Web. 30 Nov. 2020.
Tapson, Mark. “Houston Rescuers Prove the Lie of ‘Toxic Masculinity’. n.d. National Review. Web. 30 Nov. 2020.
Tapson, Mark. “Is There a Right Way to Be a Boy?” n.d. National Review. Web. 30 Nov. 2020.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2016.
Wikstrom, Malin Christina. “Gendered Bodies and Power Dynamics: The Relation between Toxic Masculinity and Sexual Harassment.” Granite Journal: A Postgraduate Interdisciplinary Journal 3.2 (2019): 28-33.
Wilhelm, Heather. n.d. National Review. Web. 30 Nov. 2020.
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