I believe my judge game me twelve years for a reason: It made me eligible for parole at twelve years (December of 2028). I would be forty years old. The Nevada Department of Corrections (NDOC), does not offer any mental health evaluation after its offenders have been subjected to psychological torture, violence and more trauma on top of what the offender already has.
Nothing that’s endured on a daily basis while in prison is normal, such as being locked in a cell the same size as a small bathroom. Or to have your cell window frosted, keeping you from viewing the outside world. It plays on your psyche, only being able to view what’s in your cell and what’s on the tier.
The time that I’d spent at High Desert State Prison (HDSP) in solitary confinement, I endured a great deal of suffering. It’s been a total of three years since I’ve been released from solitary confinement, and today I still deal with the effects of being in solitary confinement for two years.
After being in solitary confinement my patience was overtaken by a sense of futility; I became withdrawn and detached even though I functioned well before. I developed PTSD from all that I have experienced while in solitary confinement. It has been said that sufferers from traumatic neuroses develop a chronic vigilance for and sensitivity to threat. “The nucleus of the neurosis is a physio neurosis.” In other words, post traumatic stress isn’t “all in one’s head”, as some people supposed, but has a physiological basis.
The time I’d spent at HDSP I was surrounded by violent prison gangs. You never really know if you’ll complete your sentence to make it home. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. It’s a constant feeling of being hunted.
Prisoners who’ve been write-up free from any major infractions and who haven’t had any institutional violence should be given work assignments outside the prison or sent to a transitional living facility, to ease their transition back to society. This kind of opportunity isn’t available for violent offenders or protective custody inmates.
The NDOC want to constantly remind its offenders that they messed up by constantly punishing them, instead of rehabilitating them. Every time I think of being released, I get anxiety. Because I’m broke, I don’t have any real job skills, a trade, support, a favorable credit score, or confidence that I’ll be released into a sustainable situation. I fear that I’ll end up homeless again, and I’ll have to rob someone to be able to pay for a motel room, clothe myself, feed myself, or to purchase drugs to sell.
There is no reason why the NDOC shouldn’t prepare its offenders/assist its offenders in having a successful reentry into society.
The often excuse used is that they don’t have funding. When I know that it’s the taxpayers and government funding that they’re pocketing. Its purpose is to reform and release inmates, and that’s what they aren’t doing.
At 29, a judge deemed me so broken I couldn’t walk the face of the earth a free man until I paroled from or completed a 12- to 40-year sentence. The state is willing to pay thousands of dollars to warehouse me, but isn’t willing to pay half of that to rehabilitate and prepare me to have a successful release into society.
At 36, I’m a model person – not just a model prisoner, but exactly what society wanted out of every citizen – who set a positive example and actively helped those around him. I have an eligible release in 4½ years. I’ve done it all on my own, without any support, without any encouragement.
After all their efforts of trying to break me when I was in solitary confinement – putting mentally ill prisoners in neighboring cells, spraying a fire extinguisher under everyone’s cell door who were on the bottom tier, opening cell doors so that rival gang members could fight on the tier, handcuffing inmates and beating them until they’re bloody and unconscious, spraying pepper spray through vents and through the side of cell doors.
The media portray us in such a negative way that the community doesn’t want anything to do with us. And administration/politicians are aware of this; this is why they continue to get away with their torture tactics. They’re aware of the fact that less than 20% of its offenders have any type of outside support. This is why they continue to get away with giving us small food portions on our trays; this is why they continue to get away with not correcting the reformation of both – the criminal justice system and prison reform in the State of Nevada. They get away with this because no one outside of these prison walls cares enough to speak up.
In the eyes of everyone in the community, we deserve it. Even though it gets to me, I won’t allow administration to see me sweat, get frustrated, cry or have any moments of weakness. I could never become docile like many of the prisoners who surround me. As long as I have ink in my pen, paper to write on and air in my lungs, I will continue to document all that I’m being subjected to.
Every unit that I’ve been confined to, I’ve invested my time into educating short-termers, long-terms and lifers in financial literacy, networking, social media, marketing, credit, entrepreneurship, healthy communication skills, investing, valuing their time and what it means to figure out their purpose, then live in it. I’ve gotten dozens of prisoners to buy into self-rehabilitation. Because the administration isn’t going to rehabilitate us, through their actions they’ve already shown us this.
Once you’re in the system, you’re no longer a human being to them. It doesn’t matter what you do or how many days in a row (MORE THAN THREE THOUSAND IN MY CASE) they see you work and follow their rules. You gave up your humanity when they stripped you naked at the door. You were a number now, and the only important rule was this: numbers stay inside. The system wants you to fail so that you can come back to put money in their pockets.
A lot of guys in here have given up hope. They’re convinced that no one in the free world even cares about us. The system has taken away all hope that we’ll be able to return to society and succeed.
Guys are working hard to prove that they’ve changed and the parole board is denying them parole, for a mistake that they’d made ten years ago. In my eyes this is “DOUBLE JEOPARDY”. Being punished for something that you’ve already been punished for.
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