(an excerpt from an unpublished story, The Unicorn Room)
August 2023
We just received approval to have an extra visit. Miss Kitty is making the trip to come and see me next month. Since she has to come such a long way, there’s a special visit form I can submit for an extra day. If I can stay out of trouble that’s going to be an awesome weekend. Sometimes a little anxiety kicks in when I know I have contact visits approaching. There’s always the chance of some idiot disrespecting me to the point I respond in a way that lands me in the hole.
Many people subscribe to the stereotype of prisons being structured places where the monotony of the routine institutionalizes us even faster. There’s some truth to that. Then there’s the chaos factor. This exists everywhere of course. One moment you’re at the grocery store, buying lettuce. The next, some wacked out suburbanite is spitting in your face and there’s not a uniform in sight to intervene.
For years, I was cynical about how free world people see themselves. They say things like how they could never take a life. That’s complete bullshit and we all know it. Because there are too many exceptions. If you had to in order to protect your family. If you were “serving your country” in combat. Or what about if you had a breakdown? I know I’m not a good person. I am a human being and there’s going to be elements of the beautiful and the cruel there.
I’m off topic…back to my Mistress. She is going to drive down with S all the way from Oregon. He’s not going to be coming into the VR. I am glad she’s not making the trip alone, though. I hate to imagine what could happen if she were to have car trouble or run into some asshole at a gas station. Call me crazy but I suspect a lot of shady shit happens at gas stations across the country. Degenerates lurking around waiting for some unsuspecting victim from out of town who needs directions or has automotive troubles. I’m mind fucking myself, I know. Been in prison way too long. The more time you have to think about shit the more scenarios your brain will concoct.
The facts are that our visits are scheduled and approved. I can’t wait to see her. The last person to travel across the United States to see me was my ex-fiancée. A pretentious term since I never gave her a ring. We planned to marry then ovarian cancer took her. That was 15 years ago so you can imagine why I am a little bit nervous about everything going smoothly.
Katt is now writing an autobiography, separate from this project. Doing The Unicorn Room has given her the jumpstart needed to begin her work. Just getting started on an autobiography is like pulling teeth for many. While the end product is merely words, there’s other forces at play here. Like an artist manifesting their emotions and skillset on the canvas. Except the author is doing several hundred smaller canvases combined into one huge labor of love.
I call her my gypsy woman. Ever since watching the Stephen King movie, Thinner, I’ve had a thing for gypsy women. A friend of mine informs me with a straight face that we are not supposed to say gypsy anymore. The world has become a little too politically correct for my tastes. Especially since it’s inconsistent. The majority of voters previously elected a billionaire television star to be their President. Have you ever seen the movie, Idiocracy? I used to think Orwell’s 1984 was prophetic literature of sorts. Now not so much since in that novel, Big Brother dictates relationships and who can be in love. Love is still free even if the people who are in it aren’t.
September 2023
She’s in lowa. I’ve been getting e-mail updates every few hours. Her and S have just passed through Nebraska. My gypsy Priestess will be at the prison soon… This weekend went perfectly! We were able to get an extra day since she came from so far away. Normally they allow only one contact visit per week here. Being able to hug her is something I will never take for granted. S is talking about if they do come back, he wants to fly. A strange thing happened on their trip back. Driving through Utah, S gets pulled over. The cop is furious, asking, didn’t you see me back there?! S is shaking. He’s never even been pulled over before and hasn’t done anything wrong. A cop who seemingly came out of nowhere is accusing him of committing a traffic violation. Now he wants to play 20 questions. Where are you coming from? Where are you going? My Mistress is cool as a cucumber. She knows there is no real reason to worry. They are both covered in tattoos. This storming Mormon is possibly offended by the sight of them. He asked for consent to search and they give it to him, seeing no reason not to. Going through the vehicle, he comes across two vaping devices and proceeds to interrogate them. Trying to find any evidence of illegal substances. The devices are new. There’s nothing and they’re clean. In friendly fashion, Katt volunteers that they were in lowa and are headed back home to Oregon. Furthermore, they were in lowa so she could visit a friend in prison. She even says the name of the prison. The vast majority of Americans have never heard of this small town. Now it’s the cops turn to be shocked. His father was a correctional officer in this very same facility for over twenty years before retiring. Not only did he not give them a ticket, he merrily wished them on their way.
As a survival mechanism, I cultivate a certain degree of paranoia. I don’t believe too much in random coincidences of that nature. One time I was in the chow line, the guy directly in front of me said it was his birthday. The guy behind me overheard and exclaimed with surprise that it was his as well. This, I can buy as a coincidence. Two things that coincide that do not hold any real meaning.
A part of me thinks DOC takes note of all the vehicles who visit prisoners and calls ahead to their friends in law enforcement. If it is an innocent coincidence, it is amazing. Very much like what Carl Jung would call synchronicity. Now Katt has three coffee mugs to add to her collection as well as the above story for memories. I like to think that our few hours together will forever remain the highlight.
This morning I awoke to a longer e-mail from Katt. She is the most mature woman I’ve ever been entangled with. One of my exes would play games with the phone. Sometimes not accepting my calls or hanging up in the middle of them. Claiming that the call got dropped. She did this especially if I was saying something she strongly disagreed with. My Mistress doesn’t play those kinds of games. Nearly every time I sit at the computer to add to our book, I get weird looks from the guys at the nearby computers. They see how fast I’m typing and do a double take. It’s not common for someone to be able to do things this fast. If they don’t know me they assume I’m some privileged white guy who comes from a wealthy family. I can never be popular in prison. To achieve such status would mean dumbing myself down. Prisoners are suspicious people, myself included. They don’t like those with an intelligent skill set.
My mind is one reason my Mistress adores me. In the interest of full disclosure, she tells me she has other pen pals who are incarcerated. Some of them are very temporary. Especially when they go right into asking for a bunch of favors. A recent one just disqualified himself from her company by not only sending a copy of his financial statement but instructions on how to send money. My jealousy does flare up just a little. There are times I want her all to myself. Another more rational part of my thinking explains that she’s already married. No matter who else we communicate with, it’s understood that we are very special to each other, transcending being mere “pen-pals.”
We talked this morning. Her voice was low and sexy. These phones here are turned up way too loud. Instead of doing any kind of noise control they just have the volume up to a point where people standing 5 feet away can hear what the person is saying. That’s all part of the no privacy regime I’m living under. Even now, while typing this I have the screen at only half the size it normally is. So those who are eye balling me have a harder time. Because they aren’t convicts and don’t know how to do their own time.
October 2023
S is really going back and forth with how he feels about everything. We are not talking directly. I’m hearing about this from Katt. Each time I’m not the least bit surprised. What it comes down to is he feels like he is going to get left out. That is not my intention. Earlier this year when they were having communication problems she was seriously considering leaving S. I did everything in my power to convince her not to fuck her life up.
November 2023
Progress on the book has slowed way down. Finishing it is no longer a priority. Mostly because this project started as a way to strengthen our bond. Now we realize we don’t need to write things down for the world to see to bring ourselves closer. Katt and I are still doing video visits nearly every week. They are the highlight of my week. As the weather gets colder and the scenery is dead and gray, she is more and more the highlight of my life. I’ve been contemplating moving to the so-called “honor unit.” The main reason I haven’t done so already is because there’s no bathrooms inside the cells. There is a communal restroom for nearly 200 guys. The cells are small, too. Staff have nonsense rules about how much property can be outside your locker. Every cell has cabinet lockers for us to store our meager property in. The rule is that nothing is supposed to sit atop this cabinet although it makes a perfect shelf. They tolerate a canvas painting or maybe an alarm clock. Nothing else. The pure absurdity of this arrangement is sickening.
I really wish the laws would change and I could get parole. I want to leave this state and to go live with Katt and S. They are my family now. There is nothing about this system that rehabilitates its prisoners. Everything is pure punishment. Punishing someone every single day for 40, 50 or even 60 years is barbaric. That’s what a life sentence here looks like. One of my best friends has over 42 years in. For a bar fight gone bad. He’s only in his 60’s.
Why is the United States one of the few places in the world that doles out this kind of punishment? Then they have the nerve to believe they are the best system in the world. Compared to who? North Korean labor camps? Russian gulags? Another thing that really annoys me is the patriotic attitude within this prison. I’ve been here less than a year. I’ve already heard several inmates talking about how proud they are to be an American. What the fuck kind of Twilight Zone have I gotten myself into? There’s a huge mural here that depicts all the branches of the military. There are two prominent things about this town. The Christian influence and the pro-military mentality. Sure, America is great. The justice system isn’t. It’s fraudulent. An effective method of rehabilitation hasn’t even been invented yet. The national recidivism rate is ridiculously high. Please stop telling me how great America is. I’m living among the brainwashed. Tell me how living a life of petty crime is counter-productive and doesn’t make sense. Tell me how it would be a hell of a lot smarter to actually learn how to use a computer to have a viable skillset upon release. Don’t tell me how America rocks. It’s like a bad joke. Especially when those in positions of power within the Department of Corrections aren’t doing an awesome job at anything except keeping people locked up.
By now I’ve already ensured that this book will be a banned publication here in the prison system. I won’t be able to view my own work. Oh well. Fuck it. I’m doing this for us. Right now, she’s giving me more love than anyone else in the universe. There is no god to love me. There is no judge to show mercy. There’s Katt.
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