Another day in prison.
Another day of telling you what to do.
I sit back every year and hear someone’s story. It’s a shame that nobody helps us lifers.
It’s a shame people who are under the old laws—7- and 14-year lifers—are still in prison.
Why? Of course, money or they tell ya you haven’t done enough time!
People around here get denied daily and it’s a crying shame they have to suffer in prison. Whenever they do go home, they still suffer.
It’s weird being in prison and dealing with disappointment with yourself, but constantly judged by staff in prison and being judged by inmates is crazy. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Why are we constantly being labeled as a felon or convict? Sooo much goes on in prison, it’s a shame. I would love my freedom back but at times we women want to give up on the justice system, period. It has failed us. How much more time do you want us to do? How much more can we take being in prison? Everyone deserves a second chance. Why all this time for petty crimes? It’s a shame that petty crimes get more time than big boy crimes, right?
How can someone serve five life sentences? We don’t even live that long in this day and time.
So, what’s really going on? It’s already bad enough. You get treated like crap and have to deal with mold, mildew, snakes, and rats. You constantly have to look over your shoulder. It’s a shame. Nobody wants to speak out about prison conditions. I mean, medical staff here don’t know anything. Officers are lazy and they have inmates being robbed daily. You’ve got people that can’t get into their rooms. They’re sleeping in other people’s rooms and sleeping in the dayroom. It’s a shame.
Nobody cares anymore around here. A lot of stress dealing with this every day. Then you’ve got inmates running you, trying to control you. They try to own everything inside the dorms. It’s pitiful.
I mean, it’s just so much control over one another, you are just at a loss for words. People just don’t care anymore.
I would love to make a difference in this world. I will continue to be positive. Even though I’m behind bars, I would love to advocate for people who have a long time and lifers. I’m a lifer and I’ve been locked up for 13 years, but I have come a long way. I was so negative, but people didn’t wanna be bothered with me. I just became tired and weary and very disappointed with myself that I lost myself in the system.
I will not be lost. I have now taken a stand. Enough is enough. Somebody out there has to hear me and others in prison. We are all tired. We just need help. What can we do?
As I wake up daily I sit back and admire the changes I have made throughout my prison sentence. I have taken trades, did my classes on my case plan, and look forward to my future outside these walls. Man, when I tell you it ain’t easy dealing with prison life, it isn’t. It’s been very stressful actually. I have been judged as bad throughout my prison sentence and I know I will be judged back in society. I have to prepare for that as well. I have to be strong in all aspects of life.
But I never thought in a million years I’d be in prison. You know, when my situation took place in 2007, I totally hated myself. I started hating everyone I came into contact with. I was already being judged by people I knew. But three years later, in 2010, I got taken into custody—county jail—for an incident that took place in 2007. I was booked and sent to the women’s pod.
My first week there, I was soooo scared and nervous, you’d think I was on “Naked and Afraid.” Seriously, though, I was terrified. I just slept and slept. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my crime that I didn’t want nobody to know I was in there for murder. I have caused embarrassment and shame not only to myself but to my family.
When I got to prison, people were friendly, but I just did my detail, showered, ate, and went to bed. I was alone in a big prison. It was culture shock. I’ve never been in trouble in my life so to experience this is very shocking. At times I just gave up on life and didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t like myself. I totally disliked myself and didn’t love myself at all. I was a monster and a convict all in one. I had a very nasty attitude, and people didn’t like that about me.
I didn’t want to open up too much because I knew I would be judged and hated by all. I was scared. Can you believe I was quiet? Humph! I ain’t now, but anyway, I just felt alone.
I do journal a lot to take my mind away from things in prison because this place is full of negativity, and it is hard to get away from when you’re stuck with the same people day in and day out. Being told what to do and how to do it.
It is a challenge being in prison. Women are so judgmental here. But we are all in this together. We all are in the same uniform color. We should love one another and support one another. We shouldn’t be back-biting one another but we women do. There is so much jealousy and envy in prison. It’s a shame. We’re supposed to stick together. What happened to the unity? There is none. So once again I’m back to square one. All alone here in this broken world.
I can tell you I am so brokenhearted, but I have truly forgiven myself after 16 years altogether since 2007.
God has really sat me down to deal with all my sins. I was not a kind person. I have kept my walls up so nobody would hurt me, but I still got hurt anyway because I gave people a little leeway and still got hurt for the little bit I did let down. So now that I have God in my life, what can stop me? I have truly devoted my life to God, and I can say I am at peace and happy now, but don’t get me wrong, you will have your days of being down, but that’s when you have to pick yourself up again, always. Never look at your past. Look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn from your mistakes and move forward in life.
Don’t look at the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.” That’s going to make you depressed. There are always solutions such as prayer, reading God’s word, and meditating on what I learn from God’s word.
Never give up. When life gets at you, pray. When you go through things that are rough, pray. Always pray to God about all things. You can call on him day and night. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
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