I Want to Tell You…
By Sara Sobel
I see you, really see you
and you carry light and love and grace
with every step, majestic in spirit and soul.
I want to tell you…
My heartstrings have joined again
Strengthened, restored by your gifts of
tenderness, your aura of warmth and wonder
I want to tell you…
I am rewarded each day with you smile,
your touch, your melodies of reverence and
laughter, energy that stuns those blessed
to be in your path.
I want to tell you…
My gratitude and hope when you moved toward
me, and I moved toward you, and now we
walk together, feeling those familiar, yet
elusive, flutterings that always mean
Something—something new, something better
I want to tell you…
We have our own way of telling time, our
new world, our sacred language, our blessings
alone that no one knows or understands, or
feels as we do.
I want to tell you…
Thank you for recognizing in me what I
recognize in you—kindred longings, balms for
one another’s wounds and brokenness. It’s been
a long, lonely time waiting and waiting.
I want to tell you…
So much more, so many things. and endless sweet-
nothings whispered into your ear and sealed upon
your heart.
I want to tell you…
Your beauty, your mind, your worth astound
and wrap me in everything that is peaceful, safe,
and right.
I want to tell you…
Before and After
By Sara Sobel
We don our masks, we wash our hands
We cannot touch, cannot embrace, cannot kiss
We have mastered isolation and loneliness,
We live socially distant, every day.
We reside “alone together”
In this place, what our lives were before,
are what our lives are now, are what our
lives will continue to be, and so it goes.
Whether our experience is of days flying by
or of days dragging on, time has a way of
standing still for us here, masquerading as
past, present, future.
There is an end in sight and there is no end
in sight.
So we hope as we have always hoped and
pray fervently, perhaps more urgently.
Yes, there we were and here we are, heading
toward something we can’t name or
imagine or feel.
Our counterparts on the other side of the
barbs vent and whine from their spouses,
lovers, and children.
Cleaning closets, re-arranging furniture,
cooking elaborate meals, playing movies and
board games
They drive-thru, Zoom-in, text back, and
lament their gray hair.
Except for the sick, who are dying alone just as
we have always died alone.
Past? Present? Future?
Yes, exactly, out York holy trinity.
In the name of yesterday, today, and tomorrow
Amen.
This is Where
By Sara Sobel
This is where I meet the broken, the most
Hopeless, the most malfunctioning of spirit.
The saddest, most desperate, most lonely of stories.
The darkest, most cynical, most deceptive of
intentions.
The entitled, most materialistic, most
aggressive of predators.
This is where
Souls are lost and found and gone.
Hearts are shattered and mended and broken.
Minds are twisted and brilliant and fogged.
Feelings are mashed, effused, used.
Lives are tragic and inspired and pained.
This is where
I came alone, shellshocked.
Tiptoeing around everyone, everything
Looking away, aghast.
Listening to new words, foreign languages,
and remnants of crimes.
Trying so hard to fit where I don’t belong, to endure
Seeking connection, only to find cunning and catastrophe
Learning my strengths and black places and
open heart.
Always open.
This is where I found it all.
This is where.
Remains
By Sara Sobel
I am bombarded by scenes from a life.
Framed memories floating behind my eyes.
Not quite clear enough to reveal or deny a history
You’re not so special I remind myself.
Everyone has her pain, her glory, her story
written with her own captions of how it
all came to be.
And then there’s me.
The excuses and justifications, the
irrationalizations are tired, and
transparent, and oh so eye roll-inducing
And they are nor remnants of my first-
world history.
No, because I know better, try better, live
better than that.
It’s not enough to hold Christ’s hand
walking toward eternal salvation when
I’m not even on my feet sometimes.
I remain humble and at the mercy of
getting it right, whatever that means.
Only truth and wholeheartedness will
occupy my time, rent space in my
turbulent head, and define who I
invite in.
Because I can’t afford for the mistakes to keep
crushing me and I can’t, won’t, accept
otherwise, certainly not from myself.
Nor from anyone else.
My hard loving takes its toll, every time.
But it’s all mine.
Hearts at Attention
By Sara Sobel
Falling again, like dominoes in my heart,
cascading, gathering as they always tend to do.
Making the perfect, pleasing tapping-clapping-
clicking sound against one another.
The same but so not the same pile of
wonder and hunger and hope.
It all comes fast here, even as time
stands still, and marches on.
Loving waits patiently, pulsing, and pulsing
and so alive.
My body must know it’s all worth it,
but my soul runs and leaps to meet
hers.
Layer after layer after layer, we
unfold tissue paper-thin strata of
stories and secrets and everything.
Mistakes, memories, lost loves, explanations,
justifications.
All the pieces and parts at attention
before the wonder of it all, before the
wonder of the fall.
This might just be the miracle we need
and dream.
I cannot forsake this moment by
regretting or obscuring the past, nor by
wistfully romanticizing what could be.
If anything begs for presence and mindfulness, its this.
Do you understand why I’m finding myself and
not losing myself this time?
There is no need, not when I feel known and
treasured after a long, long, time, and perhaps
for the first time.
My god doesn’t make mistakes, doesn’t lead us
down the dark path.
No, we do that.
He must believe in love though just as I always,
will always do, as I hover at the tipping
point, high on the fluttering wings and anticipation
of this perfect fall.
Away
By Sara Sobel
I guess this is what it will be like when you go.
Dull, dim, desperate.
I’ll regress return to whomever, whatever I
was.
As if you were a dream, a whisper, a ghost,
my angel.
Reaching you took too long, and that’s how
it will be again
Though I can’t see how I’ll get to you when
you’ve been out there singing, dancing,
romancing.
I’ll always be blessed by this sacred fate
between our hearts though
Because now I’ve learned, felt, lived how it
can be without lies, manipulation, and
guards up.
We allowed no space, no chance for any of that
because we already knew how it would be
and we asked no questions when the answers
were right in front of us all along.
It’s always a matter of time, isn’t it?
Too much, never enough.
We were-are-were partners bestowed from
the highest ideals of faith and holy spirit.
You saved me from the dark place, but mostly
from myself.
I embraced you wholeheartedly and
understood everything.
Perhaps you’re already on your way,
And love won’t let me look when you pass me by,
As I always knew you would, my darling.
All of It
By Sara Sobel
All the lovin’, all those years
All the lyin’, all the cheatin’
All the hidin’, cryin’, tryin’
All of it. All of it.
A tragic Neverland of I don’t know, pleasin’
them so, please, please don’t’ go.
Now I see you’ve shown me every little bit
I’ve known about love was ugly, desperate,
and oh so wrong.
I don’t need to ponder the whens, the whys.
The nows, the what could I’ve dones.
The answer is nothing, who knows?, and
it doesn’t matter ‘cause there was no
truth to any of it.
My fairy tales were comedies and tragedies
dressed up and disguised as
“you accept me,” “you’re the one.” and “I
need you.”
Sad and sorry soul mates who lost their
souls long ago, right about the time I
sold mine—every fucking time.
And now? Everything turned on its head-
upside down, out loud, and all around.
Because, because, because of you and your
voice and your silence.
And watching, wondering, waiting to see one
another for the first time, and time and time again
Thank god it’s never too late and never wrong to
learn a new song whose melody whispers to my
lips, wraps my heart, restores my soul, and saves
me so.
So, so much
you reach for my hand to gently take me with you,
and I go.
This time with my head held high, ready to
fly away on love’s wings.
After the fall, over the wall, beyond it all.
All the lovin’, all these years.
All the lyin’, all the cheatin’
All the hidin’, cryin’, tryin’
All of it. All of it.
Knowing
By Sara Sobel
I saw before our eyes met.
I heard before we spoke.
I smiled before we laughed.
I knew before I knew you.
I’m along for the ride on this heart avalanche.
gaining speed, gathering the words for a new story
If only this hopeful, earnest beginning would
lead to a one-time happy ending.
If only…
It’s never too late, but isn’t it about time?
Time—elapses, stops, defines
The way this one will go
It’s going to come down to faith, honesty,
god’s will.
Definitely not something to be projected,
assumed, promised, and certainly not
controlled.
It’s the falling, hanging on, letting go
And it’s all hard.
I don’t want all of my fear to be realized
once more
Again and again must stop at some point.
So I, and we, can get it right.
I’m along for the ride on this heart avalance,
but it won’t strike me down because
Now I see. Now I hear. Now I laugh.
Now I know.
Only for Us
It should come as no surprise really
we are merely following the steps of a path
cleared long ago.
Only for us.
Finding you immediately and seeing you clearly
It should have come as no surprise, my wanting to
hear you sing your laughter into the air.
It should come as no surprise, my longing
as your body ebbed and flowed in
front of me.
It should come as no surprise, my witnessing
your impatience and ire, so much I wanted
to grab you away.
It should come as no surprise, my not
understanding why or how you pushed
through and perservered.
It should come as no surprise, my waiting
for the right time, the right place, the
right way
It should come as no surprise, my floating,
flying, falling into you.
It should come as no surprise, my learning
that this is holy and beautiful and true.
So much so that I ache sometimes
I am not surprised by us because we were
responsible and inevitable.
grace shines its blessings down on us, lighting out
journey forward.
It comes as no surprise,
How much I love you.
Why
By Sara Sobel
Why must these heart fragments, broken promises,
bottomless aches follow me all the days of my life.
Why? Why?
Why exhausts, nauseates, shames me.
Why is the pervasive syllable on my lips.
Why is the ever-present question that
never begets an answer, a remedy, or
satisfaction.
Why do I cling so desperately, pathetically-
I am eternally, perfectly pathetic-to my
fantasies of order and sensibility and truth?
Why do I keep smiling and offering myself
and loving when it’s not what any one-ever-
needs or wants or dreams of?
I am the broken thread twisting and
weaving amongst my lost loves.
Who wants that kind of brokenness anyway?
No one.
And I already know it when I ask why.
Because my flaws, my gifts, my passion are
not in anyone’s best interest.
And definitely not in mine.
Morning
By Sara Sobel
In those precious moments between asleep
and awake
I can forget loneliness, where I am and
Why there is a hole in my heart.
In those moments, I am warm and lazy
and in love on a Sunday morning.
I’m making plans to find my dreams one day
and to sit at your side holding your hand.
In those moments, there is no talk of crimes
and courts, trauma and loss, or the
marriage of deceit and money.
I’m not too sensitive, too controlling, too
this or that.
In those moments, someone hears my story,
sees me judgement-free, wants me for me.
I’m not branded a sinner, a snob, or a
rich white bitch.
In those moments, no one disrupted my life,
my family, and I didn’t allow it.
I am steadfast, strong, resolute, flying on
my own.
In those moments, my dreams left
leaving me changed and inspired and far
from who I’ve been.
I think I am going to be beautiful someday,
so I am worthy and wanted and I can
stop running and pretending.
I don’t have to be okay, because in those moments,
I’m free.
Remember
By Sara Sobel
If I could take everything away,
I would walk down my trail of tears
casting crumbs of charity, hope, faith.
I would remove your sorrow and all of
your unknowns, and leave behind my
touch, a sense of wonder, and anything
you want.
I’d take with me your pain, your demons.
Perhaps you will keep my weakened heart,
for you to take gently into your warm palm
and keep it there
To rest
To learn
To heal
Most of all to always remind you what
there was and what there could be,
And what has never left me.
Amen
By Sara Sobel
How can I argue with God or criticize
Jesus or question your faith?
So, it’s really not about me.
I can’t love you and hope for you to sin
at the same time,
Can’t resent you for putting Him first,
because I worship Him too.
This is new-being left and left behind-
for the One who must be obeyed and
revered and followed without question,
your one true love.
I thought I was the one who could give
you everything,
But eternal salvation is well out of my
price range,
Even this spend thrift knows that.
I don’t suppose you’ll ever leave Him,
And of course you shouldn’t.
Though he’s the one I’ll never hate for coming
first, for capturing your heart, for
securing your soul, for stealing you,
Away from me.
Amen.
Still
By Sara Sobel
Remember when we used to hold hands?
Remember?!
Yes, yes-so many days, but just yesterday.
I feel warm skin against my skin,
arms furled.
Touching-tender-always.
We’d let go for an instant,
Only to return to the source of our
connection and stimulation and intimacy.
It was always-is always-to hard to Not touch.
Your uniquely wavy hair, your lovely
cheekbones, your softness every where.
Now, I follow as you drop crumbs and little
bombs everywhere on your way.
You’ve drawn your holy line in our sand,
and so I struggle and abide.
But it’s all still the same, still dangling
right there.
And I know you see it too-when you look
immersively into my eyes and hear The
whispers of my heart calling to you.
The White of My Eyes
By Sara Sobel
My privilege displays like Hester Prynne’s
scarlet-branded chest,
But she holds her head high, as do I,
Above and beyond all the ignorance,
embarrassment, and guilt.
There’s no separating myself or checking it
at the door when it’s convenient.
I was born into it, raised in it, unaware
and unapologetic.
But even when I can’t see, I know I
want to rectify, but not justify.
I put this white-silver spoon to work,
in my attempt to make some small
dent in the centuries of ownership,
abuse, and hate.
My feet scrape through the dust that
birthed me too.
And I am blessed to follow in their
blistered-but never broken-footsteps.
You Have 3 Wishes
By Sara Sobel
You have 3 wishes, he said.
To be loved, to be loved, to be loved.
To follow you away from her.
To be chosen, desired, perfect.
To figure it all out.
To keep my rituals.
Pleasing, pleading,
Nodding yes and yes and yes.
To rewind the truth.
Run away from the dark place.
Down, down, down.
To lay on the giant, silver-black rocks,
waiting for the waves to do what they must,
Sometimes.
To see, re-discover, lust.
To begin again and again and again,
until I do right a reframe.
To see, feel, smell-and just be done and to
never end.
To fly with you, because of you, into you,
and enmesh my heart with yours.
To finally make it to
Where the butterflies and dragonflies live.
Sagittarius
By Sara Sobel
She’ll never be tamed, both a blessing and
a curse, a restless, open-hearted wild
child.
But when her light shines, there is such
Beauty and glory to behold.
It stuns me. It stops me.
I stand mutely, pulsating, looking in ways
that can’t be disturbed.
She breathes her independence-flying mind,
Strong body, natural spirit-and I take
it in.
And the wander lust-admirable and
attractive, what everyone wants, yet
elusive and uncertain too
Like never knowing when my feet will
touch the ground,
and so I dance, dance, dance,
keeping up to walk alongside her.
No matter that it’s all I have,
I embrace this miracle wholeheartedly.
And carry on.
Gemini
By Sara Sobel
Too many Geminis in my life,
Each one more complex than the last.
Confusing, confounding,
Crazy is too simple, to elementary a label,
Running to keep up with both Jekyl and Hyde,
as their temperament turns on a dime.
The twins flagellate and stalk around
the universe.
Together and apart and together,
Maneuvering in and out of one drama after
another, after another.
There’s no escaping or avoiding,
No embracing or sugar-coating.
Nothing will do, but we keep trying-drawn
in time after time after time.
Even fooled just as complacency set in.
So be aware, stay alert, love them anyway.
Because there’s no other way,
No other voice, no other choice,
But to hand on for the ride.
When I Learned I Was a Cracker
By Sara Sobel
When I learned I was a cracker, I denied-
Aghast, appalled, angry.
But we are most conflicted when such truths
hit close to home, aren’t we?
Not so many generations ago, I regularly
heard the worst word fired from the mouths
of people I loved and revered and feared.
Not so many generations ago, my lineage was
surely culpable, complicit, or at least complacent.
Not so many generations ago, the DNA that
transfigured, bleeding into mine, must have
cracked the whip that broke flesh and
spirit and hope.
So, how far removed can I possibly be from an
ugly history of hate and entitlement and
disregard?
I am shamed, stunned, shunned,
waking up to everything I never knew, didn’t
ask to learn, never chose to see.
But when I learned I was a cracker,
I knew it was about me, my duty, my
snow-blind destiny.
And now that I’m a cracker,
I trace a million steps on the long road back,
To where we should begin, and try
Again.
Twilight
By Sara Sobel
I dreams my hands holding yours, warming and
loving.
I dream my fingers through your hair, unruly
and soft.
I dream your arms wrapped around me,
strong and safe and perfect.
Just perfect.
Sweet dreams, anxious dreams, inevitable
dreams keep my mind on you, my heart with
you, and my would restless.
Whether I’m away, asleep, or anywhere in
between, you are where I go.
And what I seek.
And where I find everything.
I remember in the way things were and are
and what I want them to be.
Just as you have filled me and fueled me, these
spirits and musings in the darkness lead
me awake to another day-to greet my life,
which you have overtaken.
We blinked and here we are, uniquely connected
and emotionally fused.
I claim my dreams, and
I’ll hang on to them, embracing wholeheartedly.
And I will see you, thank you, and love you
there.
Appearances
By Sara Sobel
On the outside…I am every aspect of
my Turkish father.
Dark hair, dark eyes, and always his
child-like spirit of awe and wonder.
This is who I dream to be.
On the inside, my Rassman inclinations
persist, and I don’t like them, not
one bit.
Insecure, anxious, controlling, and so
secretly selfish that its unrecognizable.
This is the person I keep close and
work so hard to resist.
Keeping myself neat and tidy, crying,
smiling, lurking in the dark.
Rassman bloodlines run deep and strong,
twisting through my body,
fed by my mother and her mother and
her mother to this day, from beyond
their graves.
These family traditions I never want to
celebrate.
Because time rewinds to myself as the girl
who doesn’t know about my disease and
dysfunction and broken-down hope.
I was working so hard to rise for so long,
that I didn’t even know I was straying,
falling away.
And then, there I was,
Bingeing secretly, in the way I learned decades
ago,
As if I was starved and needy.
All I can do is to open my eyes again to
all I can do any way.
I know well that these flaws will fade,
Because they are designed to hide and
disguised to look like every bad part of
me and every wrong choice.
But I know better, and my heart knows best,
That I am my father’s daughter,
To the core.
Next Step
By Sara Sobel
I’m not sure how I’ll say goodbye,
and so I won’t.
We’ve understood each other for years
and years in just four months.
Old souls that finally met, as they
were intended.
So, for now, we’ll fall away, but not
too far.
Because my heart needs to keep you
in sight, inside.
That’s what you’ve done so beautifully,
as you have learned and made a home
there, the place where you fir perfectly,
The absence you have filled in me.
How about “See you later,” “until we
meet again,” “peace be with you”?
I think that’s all I can bear anyway,
as I learn to be away from you,
But never to far and always right here,
To keep us going.
Before Chains
By Sara Sobel
It’s that moment, silent and waiting, as I
watch my baby’s lips learn to accept
my nourishment.
Just like when I listen for the shoveled
dirt to cascade into the grave.
The open door of a plane.
The end of a diving board.
The second before the ball is hit.
As I wait for my cue to walk on stage,
down the “I do” aisle, under the
shower head.
And I lean into delicious anticipation
of the first kiss.
Remembering the heaviness and quiet while
awaiting the judge to speak my fate.
I remain at the edge of the cliff,
Finger poised to tap the domino at the head
of the line,
Anticipating the perfect fall.
Along the precipice of wonder, waiting,
wantonness.
Echoing my heart each time before I hear,
see, smell, touch you.
Love you.
Without
By Sara Sobel
It’s your ire that cuts deeper, deepest
Down to the lowest part of my gut,
my soul, my bottomless heart.
I hear your most brilliant luring
laughter that you’ve saved for
everyone else.
It’s your special, secret blend of
aspiration, commitment, grabbing
everything by the horns.
That I am now outside of, peeking in.
Listening in, tearful and lamenting,
Like maybe I’ve lost you,
Like maybe you don’t know me anymore, see
me anymore.
Please don’t leave me here, broken and
questioning everything.
I’m not calming myself because I can’t.
I can’t.
Not without you.
I Don’t Want to Miss
By Sara Sobel
Play close attention.
It’s what I tell myself.
Because soon you will go,
and I don’t want to miss a thing.
Not your crystal-clear, lilting soprano
or the way your laughter sings, and invites
me in.
Not your peach-skinned, perfectly-cheekboned,
kissable-lipped face,
or the way your expressions tell me
everything I need to know.
Not your mind containing forever-spinning
wheels of every plan-dream-goal that
you add to the happiest list,
or the way your ideas and ambition
flow gracefully and mingle with your wisdom.
Not you perspective that shares your
mind of its own unapologetically
authentically, or how you decide for
yourself just the way it all will be.
Not you eyes that I noticed so long ago,
looking, seeing me so honestly like no one
else, or when you save your loving voice,
protective nature, and full heart for those
moments that matter.
Pay close attention.
It’s what I tell myself.
So I study, focused and attentive, just
like any star pupil.
Even while you’re still here, I prepare for my
looming time alone, etching you onto my
heart, my head, my soul.
Pay close attention.
It’s what I tell myself.
And so I’m telling you
Because we don’t want to miss a thing.
Not a single thing.
Dancing With Time
By Sara Sobel
Best of the best, worst of the worst,
and all that lies between.
That’s what I said
That’s what I promise.
That’s what I mean.
It’s those times-all times-when I am
here and there and nowhere, waiting.
It’s all in the timing of course, and for you
my dear, I know I’d wait for
anything, anywhere.
There is hunger for instant affirment,
and comfort and connection, not to
mention the time ebbing as the days
both plod ahead and remain looming.
You’ve figured me all out, a puzzle no one
has solved before, and no one will
understand after, because I do not
hold back of gild my soul for you when
I falter.
We stun and stumble together, so in sync,
each shining her face for the other.
Time has never meant so much, taken,
given, taught so much as when my
counted days began counting with you.
Your wings have strengthened and grown,
and they’ll soon span wide.
And I can only dream and continue to
believe that we will fly together again
Sometime.
Still There
By Sara Sobel
I never heard your voice, saw your eyes,
felt your wrath.
Like I did that day, yesterday, which now
feels like every day.
Your claims of brokenness, lack of
Compassion, secret evil
Front what lies beneath, behind.
A little girl, running to get away from,
to head towards, to keep going and
going and going.
I’m not buying it.
I’m not allowing it.
I’m not letting you off or out so easily.
I’m not.
Not one of you fly-by-night hangers-on
with demands, expectations, manipulations.
Not one of your liars, users, abusers.
Not one to push or pull of fool.
It’s only me, only you.
Finding our way alone and together.
Through what may, what might, whatever.
I see you-
I see your spirit, your light and I’ll
never let you lose sight of your dreams,
your power, yourself.
I hear you-
I hear your laughter, your pain, and I’ll
listen to it all, as long as it takes.
I feel you-
I feel your energy, your restlessness, and
I’ll hang on and give you my best.
I never heard your voice, saw your eyes, felt
your wrath
Like I did that day, yesterday.
But I’m not that easy.
I’ll take your worst,
And I’ll stay.
Disappearing
By Sara Sobel
When I’m not taking care of him or her
Or you,
I’m not taking care of me.
How sadly, pathetically true.
It’s how I’ve always been, may forever be.
Everybody thrives, smiles, soars
On the wings of my adulations and
unwavering pampering.
I die a little more each time though,
Floundering, mourning, quietly withering.
I still can’t answer why I give so much
away.
And as my tears pile, who I need to be
goes further astray.
When I ask myself who needs me,
Not coming up with an answer,
You’d think I’d feel lighter, free.
But no, I sink, grieve, waiver.
Soon, there will only be a shell of this
woman who only knows to care, love, nurture.
And with no one left to listen,
They will no longer see her.
Lost in the Middle
By Sara Sobel
There is only before and after
Before you, after you.
Before him, after him.
Before I, after I…yes, after I.
So where is the during, the in-between,
the middle?
There are the extremes-
new passions, new promises
followed by old hurts, ancient lies.
But there is never normal,
not even something “next to normal,” as
the song goes.
I can’t ever get there,
Because all of my loves go from ecstasy to
destruction in a heartbeat.
Just like the leaves that become brilliant
until the next wind dries and destroys them.
From blessings to curses,
as the new bride smiles before hearing
the secrets, the truth.
And from planning the future to achingly
recalling the past,
so much like I was doing just five
minutes ago.
Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.
You’ll miss it all.
I miss it all.
Respite
I went to you right away, despite our distance.
Miles, surely, but also a dissonance grown
from jealousy, judgment, and misunderstanding
She orchestrated us like puppets you know
and I used to believe I bore the brunt
and burden of her unmotherly battles.
Now I see that it was always you in the
quiet fight as you became her.
I tried to care for her just as I tried to
care for you.
But how can caring exist without an
invested heart?
I criticize myself for my mechanical,
automated role as nurse, chauffeur,
financial advisor, and personal assistant,
Because I wasn’t’ sure I was living up to
my position of daughter and sister, and
so I tried my best.
Now I find myself missing you, and
even her,
which must mean that my heartstrings
were intact all along,
Even as I separated my caretaking from
my pain and resentment and resistance.
I had a mother and I had a sister
and that was then.
I don’t have anyone to care for, drive,
advise, or assist now.
And I’m afraid that is forcing me to turn
to myself, the most complicated, broken of
them all.
Some days, I can’t even tend to me with
mindful, true intention, and so
I’m on to the next, despite our distance.
Practice
By Sara Sobel
At the same time that the quiet envelopes me,
peace outwits my inside battles.
If only I could make this happen more often.
It takes practice, I think, like anything
worth having.
Like anything that makes us better.
Our teachers and preachers and sacred texts
may suggest that faith comes naturally, easily,
or that we come into this world with firm
beliefs and blind loyalty intact.
As children, we accept this easily without
question.
Then things happen.
Scary things, sad things, bad things,
Trauma, loss, despair, dishonesty, pain, hate.
Things happen, and they keep happening.
All of this can shut us down, carry us
away, or bring us in close to each other,
close to the face of our Father-Healer-Helper-
Savior.
Close enough until there is no choice but
to lay our lives at His feet.
We give Him thanks and He gives us joy,
And hope.
Our obedience begets his mercies.
It takes practice, I think, like anything
worth having.
Born
You don’t have ot be here for me to celebrate
Today.
And every day.
You
All about you, always you.
Because you are everything.
My words will never be enough to convey all
that you are,
And all that you have been since even
before day one.
Your magic and grace reach to the sky.
And sparks fly around and from you with
such a lovely glow.
But you don’t even know.
Nothing dares stand in the way of your
spirit, joy, energy,
your intensity.
And all the dreams of a little girl inside
a blossoming woman.
You always have one foot here and the
other taking off, moving on.
And won’t you let me follow quietly?
Later
By Sara Sobel
You always say, ‘never goodbye’
So, I won’t speak it, I won’t even think it.
You take a piece of my heart with you
You must know that
Please care for it – it depends on you.
Just as I have come to rely on
Your beauty, softness, warmth, smell, laugh, tears, heart
Your heart that beats with so much
Because of all that lives there, inside of you
I need your strength, your survival.
You have not broken, are not breaking
There is a reason for that.
You, my dear, are meant to be, will always be,
Aracelis, my butterfly girl.
Fine
By Sara Sobel
So, where is my rage?
Oh, it’s there.
Anger, resentment for all the wrong reasons
Blame for all the wrong people
Poor, poor us
Look at what’s lost
Some repellant wall resists the correct
Feelings, the expected, appropriate actions
Ironic. Since all the other boundaries are dishonored.
There is some mother gene that skipped me,
Or didn’t dare try
Is it so obvious, my flawed lineage?
I was convinced I broke the chain
But all I’ve done is added more links to lengthen it, to strengthen it.
When will the next chance be?
Rossman women – so misfortuned and
Misguided and misunderstood
Because our brains are unwired
And our hearts do as they please with a mind of their own,
No matter the mess left behind.
Or the souls cast aside
Or the little ladies, scorned and violated,
Reckless and dangerous, shamed and ashamed
To each other, themselves, and those in our
Wombs, ready to follow.
Not Goodbye
By Sara Sobel
How will I share my secrets now?
Or not say ‘Good morning’ ‘Good Night’,
‘How are you?’
You’ve said we’re not together, but I still
Feel bound to your smile, your soul.
Words have meaning and depth and,
Though I might echo them often and
Easily – reflexively.
Make no mistake that they are real and
Offered from my heart to yours
It’s so hard to breathe when I imagine
You gone, forgetting me.
And I must be failing at what you expect
But I can’t pretend it’s all good, or that I’m just fine –
I’m really not
I can only hope you don’t find me pathetic
Or silly or dim.
You deserve so much goodness that I don’t
Think you believe or see.
I believe you though, have faith in you
Accept you.
But no one else
Because there is no one else
So please think of me here
Smiling, sad, and seeing beauty in your eyes,
Like I always do as I love you.
Mother’s Day at York
By Sara Sobel
Some semblance of a holiday
Yes – we’re mothers, grandmothers, daughters
But not here, not in this place
Here, we are desperate for a new kind of family
The arms we seek wrap around each other
When we can sneak touch
It’s never enough
Craving fullness, warmth, light coffee skin
I only want to lay my head on her shoulder
The desire is physical, raw, desperate really
No dresses or brunches or flowers
Structured movement is foreplay
Plastic seats, side-by-side if we’re lucky
Cursing every interruption
I’m a mother in between death and estrangement
Frantically reaching with lonely hands.
Cake
By Sara Sobel
It’s a Duplex-cookie—and-candybar-cake
Kind of day
Is it a birthday if there are no wishes?
The dawning sky is a welcome answer to
Nocturnal questions
Perseverative musings
Regrets and dreams
Or are my dreams regrets already?
My left hand itches
Oh, to be able to kiss a fool
I should have my pick
But it’s always been one-sided for me
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to me.
Thanksgiving
By Sara Sobel
Through a Small Window
Am I grateful today?
Yes, because I am mindful and choose to be
Present, hopeful, nostalgic
Finding happiness hiding in the cinderblock
Inside myself and surrounding me
It is honest and true
Everyday goals (for me)
As I feel my feet on the ground
My comfortable, warm blanket.
The surprising sounds of holiday greetings
Calls home are deliberately light, so as not
to dig too deep
It’s best to stay right here, to count the
moments of sincerity that I treasure always
I am reminded of speaking grace and warm
Biscuits popped from a tube
My children, my family, my people
And I welcome the newness and unchartered
Territory of those who have my attention now.
Some of them even know my story, my secrets
Sharing authentically, sharing connections
That have been hidden wonders to find
Within me and even here.
Role Models
By Sara Sobel
Todays querie: Whom do I look up to?
To whom do I look up?
I look to my grandmother – always
Nervous and anxious like a true Rossman
Woman, yet warm, indulging, loving,
And always on my side.
I look to my father – proud, funny stubborn
And always humbly amazed by America
And his daughter.
I look to my children – beautiful,
Brilliant, interesting, and true
Reflections of what is good and right
And worthy.
I look to my prison sisters – labeled
Murderers with life sentences, addicts
With chronic relapses, abusers
Defending themselves, child endangerers
With regret and guilt.
But they are none of that.
They are women – proud, righteous, astute, powerful-
Who have murdered, relapsed, injured,
Made mistakes or errors in judgement or
Hopeless choices in the face of desperation and brokenness.
We continue to nurture, to sacrifice, to cry hard, to love harder
That’s who we are,
First.
Satisfied
By Sara Sobel
Are you happy now?
I want to scream this question, demand an answer
How much is enough?
How much loneliness?
How much loss?
How much punishment?
It’s not like my sins will suddenly slip my mind
Or be deleted from my memory.
Believe me, I’ll never outrun myself
It’s your right to hold me accountable indefinitely
My forgiveness comes from divinity, blood
In exchange for reprieve and eternal life
Though our human capacity for grace still eschews
More time, perhaps.
Some dramatic confession?
I don’t think so, I’ll pass.
What I can promise –
Keep thinking, dig deep, strengthen, understand
Most of all,
Always loving.
Rising
Your silence is what I need
I can rant on about
Right and wrong
Gratitude and pain
Feelings and truth
But why?
Everything is clear,
Forcing me to look, to wake, to accept
All I didn’t want to know or believe
If I’m to stay clear from love,
Please grant me peace,
Infuse me with strength and self-respect,
To keep me from falling all the way down
With no hope of rising again.
You could do that to me, you know
With your hating eyes
And your walls
I never listened to the haters of the hatred
Because you were joy and light
But the realness was never reality, right?
That’s the game I’ve never learned, never
Wanted to join
Either way, I lose, so why play?
You’ve taught me the jail way of love, and
Giving and taking
Through my heart leave me to fly outside the fences,
To where I want to go.
Lessons
By Sara Sobel
They told me all about you, warned me about
Using and taking and faking
I’m sure I always knew
But I pushed it away, down with all the denials
There is some Pollyanna part of me
Always whispering
But brazenly drowning out the truth
And then there’s me – all grown up, but still
The little girl who allows everything, tolerates everything,
Gives it all away
So I don’t have to hear what I already know,
Or face the ugly secrets of use and abuse, and
I don’t even know what.
This isn’t my first, and I’m so ashamed and
Afraid it won’t be my last.
My mistakes will get darker
I will lose something, every time.
Die a little.
Don’t I have to rise eventually? Just once?
Praying, desperate to get myself right
To learn my worth
Without sacrifice and lies
With the strength of Sarah, Rebeccah, Leah, and Rachel
And all of my sisters
Looking over my shoulder
Smiling.
One Down
By Sara Sobel
I can only pray that
Two-three-four
Rush as this one did
Taking me, with the days.
Into everything so new
I have dared bravely
Found my voice again
Learned more about my truth
I hold to boundless hope
For a reckoning
With all of it
Backward and forward
And now, mindfully, day-by-day
Bite-sized hints at my mistakes
And glimpses of everything
I have done – and still do –
To hold on, couple, submit
Co-dependent goals and dreams
Have surely backfired
As they always do
But this time
This time
Caught me
Like hiding and seeking in the dark
When it’s not a child’s game
It has nothing to do with me and,
Everything to do with ____
And something.
Something.
Year Two
‘Begin again’. So my calendar tells me
I have no choice but to do just that
One year, full of one woman’s
Trauma and disbelief and fear
Her trembling, and learning so many things the hardest way
Through extended kindness that twists into resentment
And new love, gone in a blink
Everything turned on its head. Always keeps her guessing
Spinning every which way, to get it right this time
A second year in a cinder blocked room
Home for now, where she needs to be anyway
To make sense, make peace
One Easter, one Mother’s Day, one ironic Independence Day
A birthday, giving thanks, and roast beef on Christmas Day
And so the cycle begins again
How many years does a tradition make?
Relieved to have lived everything once
There should be less chance to care less about
Acceptance and approval
The time to find joy within, not from others
She is beauty here, like she never was
She is strength and light and forgiveness
All of the things she finally wants to believe
She is convinced and resolute
And ready to begin
Again.
Knowing
By Sara Sobel
I saw before our eyes met
I heard before we spoke
I smiled before we laughed
I knew before I knew you
I’m along for the ride on this heart avalanche
Gaining speed. Gathering the words for a new story
If only this hopeful, earnest beginning would
Lead to a one-time happy ending
If only …
It’s never too late, but isn’t it about time?
Time – elapses, stops, defines
The way this one will go
It’s going to come down to faith, honesty,
God’s will.
Definitely not something to be projected,
Assumed, promised, and certainly not controlled.
It’s the falling, hanging on, letting go.
And it’s all hard
I don’t want all of my fears to be realized once more
Again and again must stop at some point
So I, and we, can get it right.
I’m along for the ride on this heart avalanche,
But it won’t strike me down, because
Now I see. Now I hear. Now I laugh.
Now I know. (drawn heart)
Movin’ On Up
By Sara Sobel
So much everything right in front of me
Walked right by, gazed away, detoured
To get to an old place, an old person,
A tired worn-out, burnt-out situation
Should paused along the path to
Really look, carefully see, praise
The good – or at least the better –
Probably not the best.
But they’re reflections, so what’s the
Difference, what’s the problem, just get
To the point already.
Softness always there through. So hidden,
Abused, buried – sifted through the
Weeds, mess, sears to find what lies beneath
Compassionately, compulsively, co-dependently, I
Want to stay right there.
Or is it stuck, trapped, tapped out?
Getting away, moving on, leaning in
Toward something new and different and
Dependable had become clear, finally.
Throwing, mindfully flying, potentially flailing,
But strength lives and sears where
The wounds are.
Always/Never
By Sara Sobel
I’ve made my not-so-final decision a hundred times now. Of course I won’t say no, but I’m terrified to say yes.
Gun-shy, traumatized, blindly romanticized, for sure. How often have I leaned over this precipice of love, looking, but only seeing the perfect signs, like we all are want to do.
Our locked doors allow no chance to satiate, appreciate, let alone to truly tempt fate. So, we rely on relationships built upon fleeting moments, flirting, and always so much hurting and turning away.
The constant -cliché ? – facts of love persist through – fluttering bellies, quickening heartbeats, wandering minds pre-occupied with timing and hugs and kisses, despite so many near-misses.
Trying to make real our search for … what? Something, someone in this fairy tale, pretend match-making place.
I see it when I look into your eyes looking at mine, seeing whatever it is that you want, like, and just might
I never want and I forever want the painful blessings and beautiful curse of the fears, tears, and blood we shed for love. It is always, never enough.
Legacy
By Sara Sobel
I am undeserving of the unconditional praise you throw my way, the compliments, the love.
Do you understand how lucky – blessed – I am to hear your kindness, to witness a glimmer of a second chance? My shame stands in the way of reaching back or looking forward.
Staying frozen, stuck stagnant means I can’t ruin everything and everyone and you again.
But humility lures me from the sidelines because steps of acknowledgement and amends are necessary.
Your pain, your rage, your becoming inside my broken heart – my broken motherhood – beckon and hide and seek mending.
The fact that you still read my words, see my pen on paper, and recognize yourself in me is a tether that has withstood your darkest days and my most grievous, ugliest mistakes.
So what then? All the steps are yours to take, to make your way to whomever, whatever you want – need- me to be.
Night
By Sara Sobel
I met you sixteen years ago today
You arrived with softness and sparkle and a full head of hair, like all of my loves.
You were a surprise in countless ways, but never more so than when you allowed me to hold you, nourish you, soothe your soul.
Where I come from, sincerity between mothers and daughters is fleeting, fragile.
I rallied for you every day, carefully, tentatively strengthening our connection.
Your laughter, your wrath, your infinite conviction took all of us by storm.
No one held -holds -on like you, but I know you. I understand so much when I saw my reflection in the mirror of your face and you got me, more than I knew, more than I understood.
When I lost my way, you were the one who suffered in the darkness of my mistakes.
There is no adequate apology, and I don’t know when I’ll fall … deserving of your grace again, but I very much want to.
So, here you are, stronger than you ever believed, claiming who you are and who you want to be.
I am grateful for every word, every piece of news, always every “I love you”, which you’ve often been unable to voice.
Always walking the long road back to your heart, this humbled mother will love you, my night, unconditionally and forever.
The Lord
By Sara Sobel
The Passion of our Lord,
Our passion for our Lord.
We hope to live it every day, but never so much as today,
Good Friday
A temporary goodbye until the next time.
“Never goodbye” she said.
I believed her, still believe.
But it always comes down to faith.
What we do not see or smell or touch, an absence.
Yes we feel it, and it’s what unites us
With each other. And with our God,
Our faith … our passion.
There is no difference.
We so readily offer it for ourselves,
Why not for our Lord?
Our passion for our Lord.
Simple, complex – its truth illuminates, comforts, inspires.
Our plans to not be led into temptation
Do not fall on deaf ears.
They beg of our Lord, and we beg of each other,
And I beg always,
To be right and beloved and safe in my heart,
God’s heart, and yours.
My passion.
While it pales when paralleled with today’s passion,
It’s what I claim, grasping and holding fast like my faith.
This is what will save me, save us all, from the emptiness and abandonment and untruths
That we run from,
Into our lover’s arms and our Lord’s arms.
Faith is passion and passion is faith and
I’ll never see the difference, will never see them divorced.
The nexus is my heart, where everything lives,
Listening to the beat and my breath.
My passion leads me down every tumultuous path,
But my faith saves me each time.
Thank God.
Thank you, Lord.
On this good day.
Butterfly Girl
By Sara Sobel
I’ve been fooling myself with such devotion
Thinking my feelings have changed
I can do better, this is all for myself
Fool me once … fool me twice
But that blame and shame don’t matter anymore
Like always, time obscures the heart and
Amplifies the heart of the matter
And I turn to listen for the only laught I remember
I feel what it’s like to hug you – your soft shape – home.
Closing my eyes only evokes your face, closer, focused
Not to mention all the other parts of you
I can manifest all of my love moves, but
Even I can’t trick myself into believing
I’ve passed you by
You’re still over there and always right here
Like you have been
Like you’ll ever be.
Love Notes
By Sara Sobel
I wish I could get to you
To remind you how strong you are
To tell how I have loved you, still love you
I wish I could get to you
To reassure that you’ve got this
To say how beautiful you are still
I wish I could get to you
To help you make plans
To admit how it was always you, is still you
I wish I could get to you
To calm and soothe, to honor all I’ve promised,
Still promise
I wish I could get to you
To give love notes and surprises and hugs
The way I once did, like I do still in my mind.
I wish I could get to you
One last time before you go
To say hello and I miss you and I’ll see you later
To ask to see you again out there, not here
I wish I could get to you.
True Love Kites
By Sara Sobel
Hearing from you after all this time was
The best kind of reality check.
Remembering what it feels like to be wanted,
Hugged, loved was just what I needed to
Open eyes that were still dimmed with
Uncertainty and excuses.
Knowing that I am missed, even after our
Parting and painful non-goodbye is the
Perfect illustration of how sadly low my
Standards have fallen.
Pretending to be satisfied and okay with the
Onslaught of accusations and irrational,
Misplaced, misguided ire that is worse than
Any injustice perpetrated by anyone other
Than myself
Accepting the flaws and failures that have
Always been right there, right in front of me
Is the liberation I need to bow out
Gracefully, or even gracelessly.
Moving forward, moving up, moving away are the
Focus of my determination, and knowing that
I need to raise my own bar
Loving and being loved by you were gifts then,
And the best presents now, to remind, to
Convince, to embolden my next steps.
Thank you for the love, my love,
My butterfly girl.
By Sara SobelThe black girls strut and speak their peace.
Spanish is frenetic, well beyond “Maria es en la biblioteca.”
My white blends into concrete.
But the boys rule the world.
Naming their price like always.
No discount applies.
Preferring soft, warm, round,
Scarred skin, shockingly soft.
Hair wound tight falls and falls
Over my fingers.
Reaching up, across, low.
Craving to explore.
Craving
Between Her Eyes
By Sara Sobel
Your birthmarked heart is no coincidence
Its rough edges belie the hits and hurts
But it lies between your lashed windows, striking and beautiful.
Let them say you’re crazy, paranoid.
Comes from a lifetime of battle, a project home fractured.
So you return here, no matter the time served
Hearts like yours fly open, despite hard-won wisdom.
The pain is constant, yet never too much.
Until it really is.
Noah
By Sara Sobel
Beautiful boy
Sees no reflection
We have to be his eyes
Tell him!
His features leave no question
We made him!
Bookended, yet standing alone.
A smile for days keeps the peace.
It’s the inside that twists.
His angel waits,
To share the burden.
Commencement
By Sara Sobel
Inconsolable.
Fearful eyes, but speechless.
Face of an angel.
Round, perfect.
Mere minutes of sleep, for both of us.
Now in walks a man.
Strong from the fight and late hours to hold on.
Sharp in mind, sweet in soul, beautiful in tone.
Perfect, really.
This walk parallels first steps.
This ceremony a launch
This life blessed.
A
By Sara Sobel
The sweetest smile to begin my day
The warmest skin to soothe mine
The safety and tenderness I crave
She is all of that, but even more.
Exotic beauty, fragile soul.
Prideful, strong.
Like the butterflies she loves.
She drinks the nectar I offer
Right, thrilling,
I’ll hold fast and follow.
Contrition
By Sara Sobel
Too many I’m sorrys scattered around
Dropped over nothing
No slight
No mistake
No accident
Apologies to make it safe
To make them stay
To submit
A vomit of offering and giving and
Abandoning me
Just to not be left
To stay on the bridge
Allowed in the door
Away from the wall
And sharp hands
Laundry
By Sara Sobel
How mere days wreak havoc
Undone by a few touches, a fleeting kiss
It’s happened before
(Hasn’t it?)
The way love feels when
it slows through my veins,
splashes my heart,
fucks my head.
More powerful than any powder or pill,
Lethal to my core.
A wink and I overdose.
That’s how hard,
That’s how fast,
I fall.
Two Cents
By Sara Sobel
Hate continues to rise.
Take heed.
With every iteration comes a twist.
Gnawing my core, where it always goes.
Rising through to infuse my throat,
Muscles tightening, betting to be cut away,
To float free, descend again,
Into butterflies,
Just as they should.
Luz
By Sara Sobel
With a wink goodbye,
She’s left to fly.
Forward through the dawn,
She’s waited too long.
Daughter, sister, mother, friend,
Finally heading home again.
Beautiful girl, inside and out,
All she really cares about,
Is life and love and being free.
This world can’t wait for what she’ll be.
Go with passion and love my dear,
Your smile in my heart is always near.
Passing Through
By Sara Sobel
The near misses beckon the most broken parts of me.
Doubt, fear, need bubble to the top,
Renting space in my gut.
The tendencies of generations before,
Conceit and denial tricked me into freedom.
Still a prisoner in every sense,
I’ll never miss a window sighting of love.
Reality Check Visit
By Sara Sobel
“What about forgiving yourself?”, he asked.
What about it?
I guess I’d have to go back to the beginning,
Or perhaps even before that.
When was it that I crossed over?
Lived another life, became a different person?
What if this is who I’ve always been,
Down deep, where the secrets live?
Boastful, proud, “I’ve broken the cycle.”, I said.
“I forgive for myself and it’s so freeing.”, I said.
And, “I don’t judge.” Bullshit!
That’s the justification, the (ir)rationalization, the masking,
When I put myself first.
Hardly a mother, barely a woman.
Patterns
By Sara Sobel
I feel it all in my gut.
A restless, anxious, tumbling monster,
That needs release.
So I can be free,
To rest or smile or love in peace again.
Please, let’s rewind.
To just days ago
When you didn’t have to use my name,
Because I was your baby.
In the shadows now,
Unable to counter what pulls you away,
I am good and true and here.
Why can’t that be what you want?
I’ve never had enough darkness or desperation,
Can’t live up to the old ties that bind~
However tentative they may be,
I’m just not your home.
Twelve Aren’t Enough
By Sara Sobel
What if kindness is my fix,
Gratitude and praise my high?
Listening, accepting, giving it all away.
I’m powerless for sure,
Over myself, and all of my loves.
Clinging and aching, pleading and obsessively pleasing,
Soon there’ll be nothing left of me,
Or whom I’m supposed to be.
Scattered in pieces among so many soul mates
Like the world’s most broken hearts necklace
Waiting, wailing to be made whole.
Space
By Sara Sobel
Sad Saturdays inspire and weigh me down,
All the way.
Our wants so different, need discarded like trash,
My long-haul promises weakening.
Is that what you want, to wear me down?
Shoo me away, hand me over?
To absolve you?
All the giving you taketh away
All the loving in vain
All the patience and promises forsaken.
Walls around the heart are not for me.
Oh, how I wish they had been built so many heartaches ago,
Before the hurt, that always lies in wait for me.
Money Train
By Sara Sobel
This train leaves the station.
Hop aboard and hold fast,
Until the last stop
Dead ends.
Tracks through my goodness
Run both ways.
Lies and bitterness and hate
Won’t detour me away,
Or wall me off.
Find another way to use up the benevolence
You so cluelessly expect,
From the hands and heart that feed you,
This ride is over.
Again
By Sara Sobel
Dull and numb today, and so, so tired
Exhausted by my patterns, worn down by love.
Broken by my own heart
My eyes want to close, my gut wrenches,
strength eludes me, boundaries collapse.
I just can’t ever get it right.
Over half my life finished, these failed lessons
will die with me.
Someone else should guard my heart.
As I stand naked before you, taking all the
hits and hurts, barely flinching at this point
Thick scars cover me, but never enough to make me whole.
Missing
By Sara Sobel
I don’t want to leave you, to walk away,
Out of sadness or frustration of hopelessness
It might seem angry or spiteful, but we know that’s just not me.
What about my joy and my self?
I keep waiting for you to see me again, like you did before
When there were sweet notes and loving words,
Air-drawn hearts, the sharing of souls…and secrets.
Everyday I wonder, what changed?
Where did I go wrong? Who are you now?
My heart still leaps for love, but yours turned.
I don’t know that kind of switch,
Like a light flickering, going dim, dark
Did you only want to steal me away?
You won, though now I have lost,
Am lost, without you.
Strangers/Goodbye
By Sara Sobel
It’s come to this?
Turning your back, like you don’t even know me.
What happened to you?
Where is the beautiful soul who smiled and winked,
Answered all my questions?
Stood at my side,
Touched my skin,
Kissed my lips?
You’re everyone’s friend,
Laughing, playing, strutting.
But not mine, not anymore.
You don’t want to know me, see me, need me.
I was the sweetest, remember?
Pretty, smart, funny,
Perfect, you said.
Maybe that’s it?
If I were sick, broken, irresponsible, selfish,
That might do it for you.
You don’t raise your fists for me.
No drama, no shame, no jealousy.
That’s why you can’t do this.
Why we’re becoming strangers.
Why we’re disconnecting.
Why we’re saying goodbye.
Between
By Sara Sobel
These rainy days used to mean something
So did we
Not sure how to answer the question anymore
Because I don’t really want to speak the truth
I need to muster more pride than living a lie
Will never understand why I can’t, won’t
Between a rock and a love place
That’s where I always stand
Waiting and wishing
I can’t be mad at you, only at myself
But I’ll always be sad
About not being the one you want
Not in jail, not in your heart, not anywhere
No matter how many times I ask
Why? What changed? What did I do? What didn’t I do?
The non-answer is always the same
If I’m sweet and funny and pretty
Then why don’t you reach for my hand anymore?
Or kiss my lips?
Or look at me with flirting eyes?
I’ve never interfered with your dreams at home
Never cursed, never yelled, never lied
If all I want to do is care, give, love
What’s so wrong with that?
Accepting me doesn’t mean compromising yourself,
But staying in the moment
Together.
Night
By Sara Sobel
I met you sixteen years ago (today).
You arrived with softness and sparkle
and a full head of hair, like all of
my loves.
You were a surprise in countless ways,
but never more so than when you
allowed me to hold you, nourish you,
soothe your soul.
Where I’m come from, sincerity between
mothers and daughters is fleeting, fragile.
I rallied for you every day. Carefully,
tentatively strengthening our connection.
Your laughter, your wrath, your infinite
conviction took all of us by storm.
No one held ~holds~ on like you.
But I knew you, I understood so much
when I saw my reflection in the
mirror that is your face.
And you knew me, more than I expected,
more than I understood.
When I lost my way, you were the one
who suffered in the darkness of my
mistakes.
There is no adequate apology, and I don’t
know when I’ll feel deserving of your
grace again, but I very much want to.
So here you are, stronger than you ever
believed, claiming who you are and
who you want to be.
I am grateful for every word, every piece
of news, always every “I love you”,
which you’ve often been unable to voice.
Walking the long road back to your heart,
this humbled mother will love you, my
night, forever.
Year Two
By Sara Sobel
“Begin again.”
So my calendar tells me.
I have no choice but to do just that
One year
Filled with one woman’s trauma and disbelief
and fear
Her trembling and
Learning so many things the hardest way,
Through extended kindness that isn’t always
What it seems,
And new relationships, gone in a blink
Everything turned on its head
Always keeps her guessing
Spinning every which way
Trying to get it right ~ this time.
A second year in a cinder-blocked room,
Home for now.
Where she needs to be anyway
To make sense, make peace.
Easter, Mother’s Day, one ironic Independence Day,
a birthday, giving thanks, and roast beef on
Christmas Day
And so the cycle begins again
Year two is a chance to focus less on acceptance
and approval
The time to find joy inside, not from others.
She is beauty here, like she never was
She is strength and light and forgiveness
All of the things she finally wants to believe
She is convinced and resolute,
And ready to begin, again.
Somebody Told Me…
By Sara Sobel
Somebody told me,
“You love hard Sara.”
Giving it all away, I’m powerless for sure,
over myself and all of my loves.
I am scattered in pieces among soulmates,
like the world’s most broken hearts necklace
Boundaries, the ones I can’t set or keep or
recognize, they are my undoing.
My fear, my insecurity, my test ~
The one that I failed, the only one that mattered.
And I cheated ~ thought only of myself, buried
my head in the sand, looked the other way, denied.
I am the broken one ~
my desperation inevitable, preventable,
my fault.
I am hardly a mother, barely a woman.
Contrition
By Sara Sobel
Too many I’m sorry’s
Scattered around
Dropped over nothing
No slight
No mistake
No accident
Apologies to make it safe
To make them stay
To submit
A vomit of offering and giving and
Abandoning me
Just to not be left
To stay on the bridge
Allowed in the door
Away from the wall
What Matters
By Sara Sobel
Even here, inside the fencing, behind so
many doors, kindness abounds. One
simply needs to look beneath the
loud, rough, severe masks to glimpse
a helping hand, a comforting touch, a
supportive word. Despite the darkest
corners of ourselves, we are women who
love and give and mother, never mind the
distance and roadblocks placed in our
paths. We are here, awake and present.
Every morning is one day closer to our
homecoming, and one more chance to
breathe and listen. Shhh…when we
find the silence, we feel the heartbeats
of our sisters – from so many experiences,
yet united in our passions and burgundy
shirts. For when we strip away the
outside, the prejudices, and the judgements,
we can see what matters and we live our
stories without suspending our goals and
dreams of love.
What Hurts?
No Comments