Hope
By Antwann Johnson
In September 1997, I was arrested, charged and convicted of 1st Degree Murder. Being sentenced to Life without Parole, at 21-years-old, temporarily paralyzed my ability to think rationally. The fact that I was convicted for a crime that I did not commit almost drove me insane.
But little did I know, God was working the whole time.
At age 23, I was sent to Potosi Correctional Center. There I got the chance to experience what life was like for the men on Death Row. Building a bond with a Death Row inmate was life altering. However, the toughest part of that experience was watching a friend walk out the Housing Unit door to be executed.
Over the years one begins to feel helpless and hopeless as relations with friends and family slowly fade. Having no outside communication, blocks on the phones, and with no experience as to the environment I was sentenced to for the rest of my life left me feeling lost and forgotten.
There were times when it was very difficult for me trying to maneuver around the prison politics, the mindset of hopelessness and the broken spirits. It wasn’t until I met a fellow God-fearing friend that briefed me on a scripture in the Bible that helped me with this – Romans 12:2.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, in order to prove by you what is that good and pleasing and perfect will of God.”
I learned that the Bible possessed many inspiring testimonies. The thing I felt God wanted me to extract from those stories was:
With patience and perseverance all things are possible with God.
It wasn’t easy learning how to get out of my own way. The more I tried to do things my way, the more the end results were nil until I let go absolutely. So, I began to pray with a sincere heart, asking God for guidance.
While I was searching for a meaning and purpose for my life, I applied for the I.T.C. program – a prison drug and alcohol recovery program, geared towards building character in order to become productive members of society. It was a year-long program. After graduating, in order to give back, I received additional training to become a facilitator instructor.
It was in that moment that I found a passion and desire to want to help others. I volunteered as a hospice worker, then became a Daily Living Assistant and even a barber, cutting patients’ hair.
However, it seemed that the men in my past life weren’t happy with me for these changes in my life. I was mocked and laughing at by inmates and staff, even as I and other believers would hold Bible studies in the prison Housing Unit three days a week. Even so, I continue to trust in God and lean on Him for strength. I thought of Proverbs 16:7:
“When a man’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
I’ve sat back and watched how God has opened so many doors for me. I know these blessings happen because I decided to live a different lifestyle. One that requires patience, trust, compassion and faith, even when things seem hopeless.
After 27 years, I’m now 48-years-old and because I have trusted in God and His timing, not only do I have the full support of legislators, but all the NAACP and several media outlets all through God. A former inmate who I thought had forgotten about me has reached out to a professor at St. Louis University, who contacted me by email stating that this former inmate believed in my innocence and that the professor wanted to use my case for a course she’s planning to teach students on how to find Free-Standing Actual Innocence cases.
That’s the power of God!
Even though I still wrestle with my core beliefs concerning a draconian judicial system at times, I have to remind myself that God is in full control. Even when I can’t fully understand His plan.
I was once told, “Antwann, if you don’t believe in yourself, no one will.” So, I use that as motivation. With the power of God, life is what you make it. I now focus on the positive in all situations.
For anyone who is unsure, lost or maybe even confused about getting to know God, I’m here to tell you…
THERE IS HOPE!
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