Loneliness

I was sitting here listening to this prison radio station we have here on the Polunsky unit, The Tank. Listening to a CD of the Police. I really enjoyed hearing it but was hoping they would play my favorite one, “I’m So Lonely,” but they didn’t. But it got me thinking about loneliness, I just recently heard a show on National Public Radio (NPR) about Covid-19 and loneliness. How loneliness is turning into a national health crisis. I can see it. I know lonely very well. Better than most. They compare loneliness to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, leading to: depression, stress, anxiety, harder drugs, heart conditions, loss of sleep and mental health problems. And a whole slew of other things. Social isolation is not the same as loneliness. Some people are perfectly happy being alone, which is something I have somewhat grown used to, I say that, but with me, I rarely talk to people. I try to avoid all the drama that can come with being a social butterfly in prison. I think, I really am not imposing self-social isolation because when I write to my friends and loved ones, I CAN write. I spend a lot of time writing letters, so I guess I am confronting my loneliness by way of writing letters. But this radio program was focused on the effects of Covid-19 and you people out there in the real world, whereas I have been lonely for twenty-eight years. Never really being able to trust those around me, not really even wanting to talk to those around me, not wanting to allow myself to get close. So, I am used to it, whereas you out there are not.

I just didn’t know all the side effects of being lonely, but it makes sense. We are social creatures; we crave conversation and contact. All I can personally speak on is my personal experience of what it is like to be lonely in prison. And after listening to that show on NPR, I now understand many of the things I see in guys a bit differently, more so when I was in general population a few years ago. I see how loneliness can be the root cause of many of these guys’ actions, no contact at all from the real world, friends you were once tight with, childhood friends, girlfriends. Loved ones just don’t understand the power of receiving a letter. What it does for us, speaking for myself on a personal level, I look forward to mail call, we all do, and I admit when the guards pass me by with no mail for me, it is a bit depressing, and then to go like that for a few days or weeks is even more depressing, and here lately, due to Covid, and the snowy bad weather, and all that other mess stacked on top of it, not hearing from friends and family has an effect. I can now see how it makes me, on a personal level depressed, stressed, worrisome, loss of sleep from wondering if my mail has made it to my friends, and then to know how they have been screwing things up really bad on mail here lately and then to hear all these guys talk about it all day, everyday… yeah it has an effect. I know loneliness, or thought I did until Covid. Covid has shown me a different side to it, one that is full of worry and stress and…. yes, I hate to say it, but depression.

So, I can imagine how it is for those of you out there, y’all haven’t had years and years to get used to it. I guess that jackass at work… he/she wasn’t all that bad, eh? I mean many would do anything just to be back working around some jackass just to fill in the loneliness. I get it, and I do feel for y’all, but things are going to get better, they have to, the human race is strong, this will pass, just like everything else has passed, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times. But I think if I am feeling these things, where I have had years to get used to it, I know those of y’all out there are stressed and depressed and it is likely due to, in a major part, of being lonely. Loneliness sucks, I know, but hang in there, it will get better, things will get back to normal. It may seem like a long way off and for many, too long, with all the stress of having to pay all that back, rent, insurance and other bills, fear of being put out on the streets and homeless with nowhere to go and more so if you have to take your children out to the streets with you. So, my little bits of feeling stressed and depressed and lonely, I know is nothing compared to you all. But it WILL get better. Believe that. I wish I had more encouraging words to share. But I think many of you know it will get better, and for those that don’t, it will, just keep your heads up. This virus caught everyone blindsided. But hey, look at it like this and be thankful at least you ain’t got a bunch of morons ‘running things for you’ like I do. Just hang in their folks. Life ain’t easy in the best of times for many, then add in the stress of the way things are today, and it is worldwide; you are not alone. Trust me on that, you are not alone, there are millions, if not billions suffering and feeling just as alone as you are. Not encouraging words, I know but it is said to say this, you will pull through this, we got caught blindsided, it happens, it will pass, you are not alone. I know it feels like that, but you are not. I really wish I have more positive things to say, just take a deep breath and a step forward, fight. Fight it, dig down and find it in you, and you will rise above it.

Charles Raby