I received a large shock when I opened the mail today. The news inside was paperwork giving me sad news about my kids, aged 5 and 3, who were in the custody of Child Protective Services. That hurt me because being a product of the state meant I had no grounds to fight for my sons’ case. I got an even bigger shock when I read the part about my past criminal history. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the court system would take time to remember my bad choice at the wrong time. The last thing a man in my position wants to see is his past crime on the same page as getting his children.
CPS took my children from their mother because she was considered unfit to raise them. The sad part is, I told the CPS once before about my children’s mother, but they gave my kids back to her anyway. If you want to be surprised, I rule back on all your past failures when you are trying to change. I can bet you will see the product of your ways. For those that don’t care about their background history, I guess it wouldn’t matter. I began to slowly notice a pattern of my bad choices as I watched things go from bad to worse. The beginning of my life of crime started when I was 9 years old. I stole a piece of bubblegum from a local H.E.B store. At the time it was very innocent, it made my mother laugh because she thought it was funny at the time. She even let me keep the gum instead of making me return it to the store.
This small thing let me know it was ok to steal but my mum didn’t look at it this way. Who would think something as small as a piece of gum would drive a man to move on to bigger and better things? It’s like smoking drugs; once you feel the first high, it’s similar to flying but it doesn’t last long. Everybody loves to fly, that’s a natural thing in life, once you have had that feeling, you want to go back to it again and again, trying to get the first experience again. Well for me, stealing that gum made me feel powerful. I took life into my own hands that day.
Fast forward many years, by this time the older me had stolen many things. I wanted more money, more clothes, and more power so I went and stole it. One day at 14 years old, I wanted to have a cold soda out of a machine. The sodas on the outside of the machine looked good but there was no way to get one. Deep within my teenage mind, it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t have a soda. So, I began rocking the soda machine until it fell over on its side. The soda machine door opened, and I drank many sodas that day.
After I drank all the soda I wanted out of the machine, I took the money out also. In my eyes, the world owed me that money for all the days I went hungry. I grew up without a lot of things I felt I should have had, so I used every excuse.
From there I became a known drug dealer. That’s when I landed in prison for my first time. Being away from home and around strangers was the worst time in my life. I followed every rule the prison made, but on the outside, I broke every law. That’s a crazy thing to say but now I realize what I was doing. Since I was a good person in prison, I stayed out of trouble.
The court system gave me 4 years, of which I served 18 months before parole let me out. While in prison, I didn’t take time to do anything to better myself. I took that time to plan my next criminal act like most men do in prison. I thought the life I lived was ok. In my eyes, selling drugs wasn’t wrong, but only a stupid man thinks like that. I was totally lost inside another world. When I got free, it lasted 8 months, then I was back in prison again for my 2nd drug charge.
These are all facts, and my criminal record openly states this. I’m embarrassed at my stupid ways, but at the time I didn’t know any better. The more I went back to prison, the more time I was given but the reality didn’t sit in until I decided to stop selling drugs. I didn’t think I was hurting anybody. I placed myself higher than thieves or robbers. In my eyes I wasn’t destroying people’s lives. I only sold to adults and never children. They paid their money for drugs, it was their lives, not mine. The truth is, today I’m not afraid to tell you I’m not a good drug seller. My power struggles.
It took a wrong turn in my life to look at things differently. Prison is full of a lot of young and old men who wished things were different. Some of them want to have a chance to make a difference but only some will. Prison systems don’t give prisoners a lot of options when it comes to reforming them, but I believe if a man wants to make his life better then he can.
History has shown that a lot of men come to prison and succeed against all odds, but they all wanted to win. They made a way for themselves to win; if you want it bad enough go get it. Please don’t take this as me bragging or sharing an urban novel with you. Since I have a chance to help men, I take it seriously. Statistics say that for every man that enters prison, many first-time offenders will return in less than 2 years. I know this to be true because my first trip to prison lasted 8 months. Now I have a record of 11 trips to prison and 3 prison numbers.
I hate to be the one to say it but the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) didn’t offer much regarding prison reform. If you want to rebuild your life, you must do so on your own. You must take the bad situation and find good in it, so you can succeed. I’m still working on my GED but when I came to prison, I had a 3rd grade reading level. I took Special Ed classes in school and dropped out in the 10th grade. Now in prison I read everything that will help me. I call it my own little college. I read books on business, self-help books and since I want to be the next best-selling author, I read books on writers or publishers. They can’t stop you from teaching yourself. Malcolm X studied the dictionary, he had a lower grade level, but he spoke at colleges. All I’m saying is, don’t let the system throw you by not offering the right things. There is no excuse for you not to learn what you need to know. I love urban novels and still read them from time to time but I can’t live in that world anymore. That used to be my life, so I don’t need to relive it by reading it.
Don’t wait until the system builds a new reform system to change. You can do that now! I went from not reading at all, to reading well, to writing my own books. There is no excuse for those that want to do better. A little message to the law makers: There is a lot of prisoners who want to do better but they don’t see the system helping them. I can’t speak for every prisoner, but I know a few that try to do what’s right in the bad environment.
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