Dear Reader:
It is my hope and prayer to, one day, be able to look back on my life and say that I have been productive, and have actually contributed something useful to this world; that I have been redeemed by the renewal of my mind and heart, and that I was able to give back more to this world (or, at least, my community), than I have taken away; that I will have been graced with real opportunity to reshape the negative, unforgiving view that has been heaped upon me due to my own ignorance.
It is no secret, and I make no qualms about it; have a history of being an idiot. I have made some REALLY bad choices, and in the most inopportune moments, over the years. And, to this day, I still catch myself entertaining thoughts that don’t represent the person that I, and the people who love and care about me, know that I am, or am constantly striving to become. The difference is, today, I have matured beyond the point of where inquisitiveness, curiosity, frustration, and/or the excitement of the moment dictated the things that I said or did. And, undoubtedly, it has been an uphill battle. But I am only human and combating the levity, friction, trauma, and dysfunction of my youth will probably be a lifelong struggle, as I still catch myself, at least once a day, slipping back into my old ways of thinking and reasoning. I’d like to imagine that that is simply because of my environment, which I do not offer that up as an excuse, but rather an attempt to reveal one of quite a few very real, possible, explanations.
Often, I find myself wondering whether it’s even worth the struggle to try to convince people and be recognized as the person I actually am (and/or can potentially become!), versus the person that people who don’t know me, or have the slightest clue about, have made me out to be. In today’s harsh, brash, unforgiving society, can that stigma ever be overcome? And, if so, where do I even begin? How can redemption and forgiveness be had, when you have seen, done, and/or been accused of the things that I have? How do you wipe clean that type of dirt? For the majority of my youth, hustling, scheming, and being a menace, I shamefully admit, was all that I had aspired to be.
Eventually, amongst other things, I got sick and tired of being locked up. But the choices of my youth had helped create a wall to success and achievement, and I experienced set-back after set-back, which made me feel as though I was trying to chisel through a brick wall with a butter knife.
Knowing that my son was coming, and after having previously lost three babies due to miscarriages, I would learn what it is really like to fight and maintain hope in the midst of uncertainty. And when he came into the world, I was in jail. But, when I was finally able to look into his little eyes, it renewed my spirit, my fire, my desire, to strive to achieve the things in life that I’ve come to learn that many of the people whose paths I’ve crossed, at one point or another, have hoped against. It sparked my desire to prove that I can be successful, despite my past; that I am not the person that people who don’t know me – or would really care to know me – would like me to be to prove that I am not the worst thing that I have ever done or been accused of; to prove that any person who really wants it can be redeemed and rehabilitated if given real opportunity, tools, support, and motivation.
I’m fortunate enough to have the love and support of my mother, my brothers, and a very small host of other family members and friends who desire to see me succeed, and sometimes, even my ex-wife, whom, because of my ignorance, I shamefully, and regretfully admit, I did not treat very well. I have my son, whom is the greatest motivation that I could ever ask for! So, I figure that, even if the world hates me for the rest of whatever days that I am graced with upon this earth, as a man whom has made more than his fair share of mistakes – but is committed to the fight to do and be better – and is working towards leaving something behind that they all can be proud of; then, perhaps, that is all the redemption I should care to seek. After all, in this day and age, more than likely, it is probably the only redemption that I will ever get. And I accept that, just like I have accepted full responsibility for the actions that have led me back to prison. So, yes, I guess, for me, redemption is worth fighting for!
Sincerely.
Toola 0. Taylor
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