The prospect of writing a real entry tonight feels something on par with Hercules’ twelve labors. My recuperation is going quite well, thank you, but I am still very tired and note feeling terribly creative since I started refusing my pain meds. My reasons for doing so are a little complicated, but the logic can basically be summed up by saying that I would rather face a painful truth, than live with a blissful illusion. In all things. Remember I said that for later. All in all, my body feels pretty good. The eternal pessimist in me is slowly accepting defeat (at least on the medical issue), though he still keeps up a nearly incessant stream of ridiculous tarradiddle, just to make his presence known.
At any rate, though I feel incapable of delving into any specific subject with even a modicum of acumen, I will leave you with a few items you might find of interest. The FIRST is the psych report I promised to post. I originally offered to do this in a fit of self-effacing fervor, thinking that this was positively an action which no self-respecting narcissist would engage in. After I started thinking about it, I realized that there were other people mentioned in the report, both in name and title, and I have no right to put them out there in this fashion. I hope you understand then why I have blacked out names and descriptors which might be used to identify someone. I have always taken care to include only people who have given me permission to mention them, with the exception being public figures. (You might devote a few seconds of thought to that statement, as it will produce some rather interesting conclusions.) I had also originally planned to explain portions of the report, and had compiled a small mountain of data from the DSM-IV and other sources. In the end, I decided to let it stand, as is. I’m tired of defending myself, and it would take away from my attempt at complete openness and vulnerability if I were to hover about making comments. It is what it is, and I never professed to be anything other than broken.
In addition, I am supplying the RESULTS of a handwriting analysis completed by one of the FBI’s most experienced experts in the field. This professional was supplied with two samples of my handwriting, and came up with an absolutely staggering amount of data, most of it pretty accurate. I always believed Heraclitus when he wrote, “The nature of things is in the habit of concealing itself,” but I am afraid H never met anyone from the FBI’s Behavioral Science teams. If you think it odd that I have access to such an expert, I will only say I have some kickass friends.
For those of you with a more intellectual bent, the next three links are for you. FIRST I have provided the results of a recent study of criminologists and their views on the issue of deterrence as it relates to the death penalty. Highly instructive.
In the same vein HERE is a report by the US Department of Justice on conditions in the Harris County (Houston) jails. Gee, it’s funny how it says the exact same thing that inmates have been saying for years …(and been called liars for!).
For the more globally minded, HERE is what the United Nations says about the state of capital punishment in America, as of May 28th, 2009.
Now, most of that is kind of heavy, so I thought I would leave you with something humorous. Behold! The lunatic fringe SPEAKETH! Posted is this lady’s third of fourth letter to me, and each of these wonderful samples possessed all the wit and charm of a fallout shelter, and prove the point that while beauty may only be skin deep, ugly goes all the way to the bone. At least this particular missive doesn’t wax pathetic for six pages, like the last few. It’s kind of cute: on the inside of the envelope flap she has drawn some red pen marks dripping down, which I can only assume is supposed to represent blood. Very… um… normal… and… uh, well-adjusted… and totally not freaking psycho in any way whatsoever. You are a credit to the militant right, madam! Well done! Perhaps I will be dead in a few years, as you so clearly wish, but your tombstone was carved out years ago. For you, I can think of hundreds of fitting epitaphs to stand in lapidary brilliance for all time, but I think I will keep it simple and with W.H. Auden:
“We would rather be ruined than changed. We would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the moment and let our illusions die.”
I will go ahead and save you the effort of having to enter the scary world of internet searches and provide you with mine, penned by G.K. Chesterton:
“Then when this kindly world all round the mane has been blackened out like a lie; when friends fade into ghosts, and the foundations of the world fail; then when the man, believing in nothing and in no man, is alone in his own nightmare, then the great individualistic motto shall be written over him in avenging irony. The stars will be only dots in the blackness of his brain; his mothers face will be only a sketch from his own insane pencil on the walls of his cell. But over his cell shall be written, with dreadful truth, ‘He believes in himself’”
And since such statements require a little explanation, I will allow this to be undertaken by Dostoyevsky and John of Patmos.
“Whatever you say, a complete atheist still stands on the next-to-the-top rung on the ladder of perfect faith. He may take that last step; and he may not – who knows? But the indifferent, they certainly have no faith, only an ugly fear – and only the most sensitive of them have that.”
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold not hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are WRETCHED, PITIFUL, POOR BLIND AND NAKED. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eye, so you can see. THOSE WHOM I LOVE I REBUKE AND DISCIPLINE.”
One last note: lady, if you are pissed that I forced them to live up to the ethical guidelines decreed by statute and upon which any ethical individual would demand, you are REALLY going to hate what I have in store for the State of Texas in the coming year. Haha! On that note, I’m out.
Night!
© Copyright 2009 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker.
All rights reserved
No Comments
Andrew
August 29, 2009 at 8:38 pmHi REKeen … well I certainly appear to be significantly more intelligent than you (not that I am competing !) since I wouldn't be caught making such inane comments based on erroneous assumptions. Your assumption that I used an online translator is indicative of the tight intellectual limitations you are operating under, and any possibilities beyond these limits obviously don't even occur to you. So let me show you your two major blunders (actually there are three, but you could probably not be expected to grasp the third !):
First, the truth of the matter is that my first language happens to be German and therefore I wouldn't need an online translator ! Expand your horizon a little and try to come to terms with the fact that there are indeed multilingual people on the planet.
Secondly, it is perfectly natural and normal to employ metaphors from one's native tongue or even to borrow them from other languages, if they suit the situation at hand (even Americans use phrases such as "C'est la vie", for example). This process of using apt expressions from other languages is called code-switching and is a sign of linguistic breadth and refinement; and very often these foreign metaphors or sayings are not translated because their meaning is implied or can be deduced, capiche ? If you were to express yourself in a foreign language, it is guaranteed that you would be interspersing it with American or English metaphors, simply because they are familiar to you and appropriate to the context in which you need them.
Thirdly, … and this is probably going to be a bit of a stretch to you, REKeen, but try to follow me anyway: taking a step back for a second, let's take a look at what you said and the context in which you said it = "My first though is…ie., Andrew…I wonder why people feel the need to speak in foreign languages to prove a point…are you now more intelligent than the rest b/c you can use an online translator?"
Isn't it amazing that out of my whole and extended comment on Thomas' credibility, which contained a solid and irrefutable line of reasoning, you picked the enitirely incidental point of my use of a German metaphor ! Wow, talk about an inability to recognise what's relevant and what is not ! And as a crowning finale you couldn't even manage to spell the word 'thought' correctly. REKeen, do yourself a favour, improve your spelling and think things through before you mouth off prematurely, because with just ONE SENTENCE you have outed yourself as a featherbrain, a fact you may not wish to advertise throughout the Internet.
REKeen
August 25, 2009 at 6:48 amI just stumbled upon your current situation after watching half of the repeat 48 hours mystery episode. Maybe they are seeking ratings in a dismal market. I lived/live in SL and actually went to HS with you although I graduated a few years before you and can't put a face to a name.
My first though is…ie., Andrew…I wonder why people feel the need to speak in foreign languages to prove a point…are you now more intelligent than the rest b/c you can use an online translator?
To the point, the woman who posted this response is reprehensible although I figure she hit submit with a smile resembling toothless white-trash contentment.
Even worse, the FBI's handwriting expert's analysis of you harkens to the greater populous of guys living in this BS era of media hype and femi-retardation.
Sorry, man. I can't begin to understand your situation other than spending a night in Harris Cty for mouthing off to a campus cop following a frat party…but I know what you mean growing up in SL and having expectations put upon you. Making something of yourself that you are content with is somewhat of an oxymoron.
CHS '96
Andrew
July 23, 2009 at 6:16 amHello Thomas
A word pertaining to some remarks you made in your entry entitled '20/20? Try 20/200' in May 2009. You said the following:
“This sociopath thing bugs the hell out of me. Would a sociopath admit feely of his wrongs, seeking to take the lions share of the blame, even though we all know that the real murderer, the person who actually killed two people, sits safely off of DR? I rarely comment on this, but I have to ask: Why is nobody astonished by this point? Everybody tells me: be honest, tell the truth. And I do, and suddenly these same people, these people who claim we were a nation of second chances, run screaming for their pitchforks. Fine, the truth: for all the times I’ve been called a murderer, for all the hype, I’ve never killed anyone. Dec. 10th was a sick game for me, the product of some very delusional kids, but it was never supposed to happen. Only one person involved in this is a murderer, and this is not me.”
Thomas, I don't want to get into a debate about whether you are or aren't a sociopath, but I do want to tell you that the only thing you have got going for yourself in this situation is the amount of credibility you have slowly regained through genuine, self-critical reflection. By implying that Chris Brashear is “the real and only murderer” you are running a serious risk of damaging that credibility ! Neither adjective in that statement has legitimacy and therefore you're wrong on two counts. First adjective “real”: on the stand you admitted to a sustained campaign of no less than three homicide attempts on your family over an extended period of time; it is therefore blatantly obvious that you were what in German is called “der Vater des Gedankens” (translation: the father of the thought, i.e. the originator, instigator). Any attempt on your part now to re-interpret your responsibility as lessened compared to the actual shooter's is bound to undermine you. Second adjective “only”: not only is there not only one murderer in this whole affair, but the list of murderers responsible does not even end with the mere inclusion of Chris Brashear and Steven Champagne, but Adam, Justin and any other previously failed and unindicted co-conspirators belong on it as well, morally-spiritually speaking. This logic is inescapable Thomas. I can understand that you are growing weary of expressing your culpability to the world over and over again, but don't sabotage your very own credibility by trying to minimise your role as the architect ! Now, whether or not you should have received the DP in principle is an entirely separate and different question, and a legitimate point to raise, though.
Andrew
terry
July 21, 2009 at 8:35 pmI thought the purpose of this blog was to show how much Thomas has changed because of his faith in God. So much good could come from this blog if he would give hope to those who faith is lacking. Instead he is using this as forum to constantly complain.
Unknown
July 20, 2009 at 8:07 pmI have a serious question, I hope that you can in a blog of some sort address it, I hope that christ love is with you and sustains you. BUT, my haunting question that keeps me up at night is WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO EMPTY? I have no alterior motive or am trying to imply something, but genuinely want to know because frankly the image of your eyes in every interview and every photo frighten me.. it is like your eyes are frozen. when you look into someone's eyes you see life, whenever I see your eyes it is like looking at a concrete wall. it doesnt matter if your looking from side to side or when you look straight into something..Does anyone else see it, Do you ever see it thomas? I feel that I can't even close my eyes because of the image of your eyes, even when your smiling in the photos with your family I see empty eyes, vacany. I hope this is not upsetting I truly mean it in the purest way possibly, I am just dieing to know, your eyes..why?
Flossie
July 18, 2009 at 9:19 amHey Thomas,
While I can understand your motivations for not wanting to provide personal comment on the psych report, it would be quite interesting to know if you agree with it or if it provided any particular insights into yourself.
I do think it is an incredible indictment on the American educational and prison systems that you've failed to get any psychiatric help so far.
As for the letter, poisonous people like that are a waste of space. You just keep doing what you are doing, I know that you're trying your best.
Anyone who views situations such as yours in such black and white terms is obviously devoid of any brain cells.
I've been reading your blog for a while, since I read your dad's book. I'm Australian and I've tried to write you a few times, but I end up throwing every letter away because it sounds trite. Maybe one of these days I'll come up with something worth sending.
Keep the faith Thomas. People can surprise you.
Jessica
Dixie
July 15, 2009 at 8:05 pmUnbelievable…..that lady was no "friend" of Thomas' mother, no way! If Tricia was the woman I believe her to be, she has already forgiven him and would embrace him as most if not all mothers would. Tricia would have never had a relationship with such a vile, holier than thou individual. Actully, she is to be pitied, her life is surely very bleak and sad. Instead of wasting time on heartless letters, she should volunteer at a homeless shelter, a children's hospital, the Humane Society etc. Thomas is doing more good for others in his impossible environment than she is, I am quite sure! Soldier on Thomas, this woman is definitely in the minority!
Silent Observer
July 15, 2009 at 12:01 pmI cannot help but notice that the letter Bart received seems to be on school type paper. I am going to assume this woman is a teacher of some sort.
Scary thought that this woman is a "role model" for our children!