I Apologize

I’m at a time of my life when it’s important to apologize to those I’ve hurt. I want to apologize to society for the behavior I exhibited for most of my life. Although some parts of my life were not my fault, there were plenty of times I clearly made bad choices. I’ve already published an autobiography but I will try to dig deeper to find the root cause of my behavior, starting when I was young.

 

Research conducted by John Bowly shows that “[y]oung children need a warm, intimate and enduring relationship with the primary caregiver. Children who feel unloved and rejected limits ones trust in the world and the risk one is prepared to explore.” Attachment and Loss: Vol (1973). My twin sister and I were placed in foster care when we were four years old due to my parents drug use. I missed my Mom and I felt abandoned by her. As a four year old I did not know how to process being taken from the mother I’d known, loved, needed, and relied on for four years and thrown to a new mom. “Children may feel that their biological mother and father did not want them or that in some way they were defective or at fault for what happened.” (Newman Bay & Newman, P.R; Development Through Life 2015).

 

I moved into foster homes where the biological children of the foster parents bullied me. I was told things like my Mom was dead. I was never believed when I toldthem about things, they always believed their kids over me. I was verbally and mentally abused, but my twin loved me. I hated school and was said to have learning disabilities. I was diagnosed with depression at ten years old. My sister, the only person with me who made me feel loved, was taken from the foster home and sent to live with Grandma. I wondered why I did not go also. Another person was gone out my life. I would eventually live with Grandma also. My twin and I went to church together with Grandma.  We watched movies and played together and we also cried when this one commercial would come on, because it reminded us of our Mom who we needed and wanted in our lives. It had been four years or so since she was in our life now. My Dad was still not around, but my Uncle Andre was like my Dad. He taught me how to fish and read and he took me to the fair, and taught me how to tie a tie, etc… 

 

My strong, funny, happy, favorite Uncle would start to become so sick. I had to help walk him to the bathroom and help him eat. He died of AIDs. I remember walking to his open casket and seeing him looking asleep, hoping he would wake up. Another person gone out my life; the list grew. “They are unable to trust that another can or will love them, they fear being rejected, and they fear even more the possibility of closeness and being accepted and loved.” (Elkins, D.N The Human Elements 2016). 

 

The death of my Uncle took a toll on my Grandma and her health declined. She couldn’t take care of me any longer. I was sent to a children’s home in Sacramento. My twin remained with Grandma and so I thought Grandma didn’t want me, just like my mom. I was around kids that were going through the same things in life and we bonded. I miss those guys to this day. They were true friends to me. 

 

Meanwhile, Mother had been in programs to get better. She worked hard to overcome her addictions. She started visiting me and I was happy to see her, but sad when she had to leave. I was afraid she wouldn’t come back. She would come back and the visits became weekly. The plan to get us kids back was going good. 

 

I returned home at twelve years old. Mom could only afford an apartment in a drug infested, crime laced, gang-ridden area. I suffered from depression and anger. I have learning disabilities and speech problems. At the impressionable age of twelve I hung around criminals and gang bangers. I started smoking weed. I drank alcohol, I was defiant, I stole cars, stayed out late, and burglarized homes, etc. A true lost soul. Mom tried her best but she didn’t know how to raise a twelve year old male. She did great with my sisters and she never left me ever again. Even during this prison stay, she has been my main support. 

 

From twelve to eighteen I was in and out of Juvenile Hall. I was cutting school and I continued to live destructively. Now I want to speak about what happened seventeen years ago. I was severely depressed and I used Meth and Marijuana to cope. I was angry that I was a failure. I failed in school, in relationships with girlfriends and with family. I failed to understand my purpose in life. I failed to abide by the law, I failed to listen to my Mom and her knowledge. And I was verbally abusive in relationships with girlfriends, and I couldn’t maintain a job, so I sold drugs. I blamed others for my problems. I was an opportunist who took advantage of people and situations. I was at rock bottom, hating myself and I couldn’t have cared less about other people as well. I wanted to kill myself. I committed crimes that do not define the man I am. I was a heavy drug user who walked through life in a blur. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am extremely remorseful. 

 

When I came to prison at twenty-one, I had no reason to change, nor did I have intentions to do so. I wanted to be accepted so I did whatever I needed to fit in. I was violent and there was also violence towards me. Ten years or so into this time, I started to mature, not just age wise but mentally. I started accepting responsibility for my actions. I started acknowledging my problems. I began to see life differently, and I received treatment for my depression which helped me  a lot. I still take anti-depressions to cope. I wanted to be somebody in this life. I wanted to be smart, get my GED.  I wanted to make Mother proud. I started realizing that what I do today directly impacts tomorrow. 

 

Then the laws changed, allowing youth offenders under the age of twenty-three a chance for parole. This motivated me to change even more. The problem was getting over the fear to change. I had to get over worrying about what others would think about me. The process wasn’t overnight. I signed up for one self-help group, then another. I enrolled in education and worked on my GED. I valued my willingness to learn. I received my GED, then I enrolled in college. I noticed my life was happier, my relationships were better. My mind thought different, my dreams now reachable. I knew where I wanted to go in life and I made the choice to do so. My life had been terrible, but I wanted to rewrite my script. 

 

I knew things were on the right path when my daydreams changed. I use to daydream about getting released and driving a new car with loud music and people saying: “Hey Millard! Where you been? You look good, do you want to kick it?” But now I dream about buying a suit from Men’s Warehouse and Stacy Adams from Macy’s, and talking to troubled youths about changing their life, going to college and volunteering for the community that I hurt. These type of daydreams only came once I’d gained ego integrity, the knowledge that I’m worth while. 

 

My dad had a serious impact on my life. My dad is not in my life, but he motivated me to never be like he is. I already lived like he had by being a criminal and in prison. But the things he did not do I’m doing now. I’m in change mode. I realize who I want to become and nothing will stop me. I’m close to my AA degree and for a special education student, that’s an accomplishment. I’m excited to be able to tell my story of special education to college grads. I’m also a follower and believer in Jesus Christ and I try to live by his guidelines. I’ve completed many self help groups and have attached proof of my accomplishments to this essay. 

 

 

 

 

Although I have no children now, I will never neglect my children in the future the way my dad chose to. Everything is a choice and although he is an alcoholic and drug abuser he never tried to get better. I was a lost boy and then man in this world who literally needed a dad in my life. There are many times I wish I had a dad. As a kid  I needed someone to push me toward my dreams. Someone to tell me how hard I needed to work, if I want to play in the N.B.A, which was my dream growing up. I’m 6’7 and I was 5’11 at twelve years old, skinny and loved sports but was too shy to play in front of people. I lacked the self esteem my dad could have helped me gain. 

 

I can’t change my past but I can shape my future and that is what I am doing. I don’t want to give the impression that change is easy — it takes a determined effort. It takes strength t embody change while around people with whom you have been negatively involved with.  People try to knock you down and bully you but no one can stop you except yourself. I love being called a school boy and a square, by people who think they are hurting my spirit. I simply want more in my life. I grew out of who I was and if people don’t understand that, then so be it. I am no longer the lost soul. I’m found.

 

Life is a journey and it will be bumpy but I’ma still ride. I owe it to society to change and help others do the same. I am very sorry to the people I’ve hurt, I had no right to do so and I deserve my prison stay. I will use this time to become the best version of myself. The deep remorse I have is sincere. I again want to apologize to Society for my behavior, and I promise to do everything I can to impact my community positively in the future. I have enclosed two report cards to prove I’m a College student. Anybody can say anything but I want to prove it. I am also sharing a chrono to show I’m a positive programmer. Change takes effort.