Synopsis: “A zany licensed psychiatrist named Dr. Christmas keeps everything alive and well at the Great North Pole for the love and joy of Christmas.”
Dr. Christmas
{Christmas music is heard in the background as a zany looking elderly man named “Dr. Christmas” enters the stage from stage left. He’s wearing strange glasses, his hair is sticking out. He walks somewhat bent over as he slowly walks to center stage and begins to speak to the audience. He speaks with a crazy accent as well.}
Dr. Christmas: My name is Dr. Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. I’m a licensed psychiatrist at the Great North Pole. You may have never heard of me and my very important practice. Yes, I keep everything on the low tip. (Beat) I’m not famous like Santa and Mrs. Claus. The parties they throw at their mansion put the Playboy Mansion to shame! There’s nothing worse than thousands of drunk, crazy elves causing havoc and chaos at Christmas time at the North Pole. (Beat) I spoke to Santa and Mrs. Claus about the situation during our therapy sessions. They confided to me about their marital problems. I encouraged Santa to try Viagra. Needless to say, things are much better at the Claus Mansion nowadays. Santa’s Ho, ho, ho is much heartier than ever. Another job well done for Dr. Christmas.
{Dr. Christmas pats his shoulder in self-encouragement. He smiles from ear to ear.}
Dr. Christmas: Then there’s Frosty the Snowman and his battle with depression. Something that many of us deal with in this thing called life. (Beat) Well, I had to stop Frosty from going on a suicide mission to the Virgin Islands! I rushed to the North Pole Airport and grabbed Frosty by his wet behind before he boarded the plane. Then I threw his ass in a freezer. (Beat) Once, his mind was frozen again, we began our deep, intense therapy sessions. Man to Snowman. Snowman to man. Frosty confided in me that he felt he was forgotten. A nobody snowman. I said to him, “Frosty, you are the greatest snowman who ever lived! You are loved by millions! Trillions and billions! You will be known from generation to generation to come.” (Beat) When Frosty grabbed ahold of this fact, he became jollier than ever! Singing and dancing all over again with great joy!
{Dr. Christmas takes a deep breath.}
Dr. Christmas: Then there’s the boozer Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. What a basket case! (Beat) Well, on Christmas Eve many years ago, decades ago, Rudolph got drunk on eggnog and vodka and smashed Santa’s sleigh into Jolly’s, an elf stripper joint. What a horrific accident. I’m grateful nobody got killed. (Beat) The North Pole D.A. pressed charges against Rudolph. Rudolph was convicted and sentenced to the North Pole SCI penitentiary, where he took PC because of his high profile case. (Beat) I walked into the North Pole SCI with no fear. I walked passed the frozen razor wire and started my therapy sessions with Rudolph. Rudolph informed me he was abused and bullied as a young buck. It destroyed his heart. Tainted his soul. Seared his mind. Damaged his prefrontal cortex. (Beat) I told Rudolph that “your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. You can overcome this pain and stay in recovery. It’s your choice alone, Rudolph.” (Beat) Once Rudolph grabbed ahold of this truth, he got off PC and started TC, attended drug and alcohol programs, and celebrated his recovery with his nose shinning bright once again! (Beat) Santa forgave Rudolph.
{Dr. Christmas is full of excitement.}
Dr. Christmas: Santa spoke to the North Pole D.A. The North Pole D.A. spoke to the Governor of the North Pole! The Governor of the North Pole commuted Rudolph’s sentence! (Full of joy) Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Beat) Rudolph was a free buck once again! (Beat) Rudolph went to Jolly’s and asked for forgiveness from the ownership of Jolly’s, from all the elf strippers and all the little, horny elves attending Jolly’s every night. (Beat) Today, Rudolph is leading Santa’s sleigh on every Christmas with his nose shinning bright, celebrating his recovery with great joy! I can tell you about my other clients, which includes the Grinch, and the ways of madness of Jack Frost, otherwise known as “Jackie!” Oh, when he gets mad, here comes the deep freeze! (Beat) Everybody is doing much better from the magical work of me, Dr. Christmas! I enjoy helping the used, abused and the confused! Those with addictions and mental health issues! It’s my job, my God ordained purpose. (Beat) I’ll tell you another thing, ladies and gentlemen, to always look at Christmas through the eyes of a child. The wonder and magic of it all. (Beat) And that Jesus is the reason for the season. (Beat) If anybody visits the Great North Pole and you need Dr. Christmas’s assistance, please come see me at 777 Christmas Lane. I only charge candy canes for my time.
{He slowly backs away.}
Dr. Christmas: Jesus loves you and so does Dr. Christmas!
{He does a crazy spin move.}
Dr. Christmas: Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas!
{Dr. Christmas exits stage left.}
{Christmas music plays again and then slowly fades out.}
The end.
* * * * * *
The Return of Dr. Christmas
{Christmas music is heard in the background. The awkward Dr. Christmas enters stage right wearing his large glasses. He stops at center stage and speaks to the audience.}
Dr. Christmas: Some of you know of my wonderful legacy and some of you don’t. (Beat) I was a little orphan boy who was abandoned by his parents and left all alone on the steps of the Great North Pole Psychiatric University with no one to be cared for. (Beat) That little abandoned orphan boy would become the greatest psychiatrist of the North Pole, helping so many. Those wonderful psychiatrists and staff members of the university really loved and cared for that little abandoned orphan boy. They raised him as their own. (Beat) They made me into the man I am today. (Beat) I’ve helped and encouraged many famous Christmas personalities over the decades. I’ve helped them overcome their deepest fears, addictions, hurtful pains, traumatic and abusive childhoods. So, they don’t feel used, abused and confused anymore. (Beat) All this to make Christmas alive and well all around the world. To make all the children and adults experience the love and joy of Christmas every day of their lives.
{Dr. Christmas smiles from ear to ear.}
Dr. Christmas: I stopped the angry Grinch from karate kicking elves in downtown North Pole to get his rocks off! A manic who lived in oblivion in his mind. (Beat) Well, one trip to Jolly’s, the greatest elf stripper joint in the North Pole, healed the Grinch’s heart, soul and mind in a grand way! (Beat) Now, the Grinch is a disco king at Jolly’s every night! Dancing the night away! (Beat) Another job well done for Dr. Christmas.
{Dr. Christmas pats himself on the shoulder.}
Dr. Christmas: What about Ebenezer Scrooge, who I encouraged to follow his dreams to become a rap star! (Beat) Now known as Ebenezer Scrooge Raps! Topping the charts with his rap tunes bigtime. “Scrooge Raps!” is a number one hit all around the globe! Jay-Z, Drake, Eminem and Mother Nature love this old dude rapper doing his thing! (Beat) I help people follow their dreams, my friends! (Beat) Please follow your dreams.
{Dr. Christmas smiles even more.}
Dr. Christmas: (Excited) Of course, I helped Jack Frost, otherwise known as “Jackie,” in our intense therapy sessions. When Jackie gets upset, here comes the freaking deep freeze! In therapy, Jackie Frost spoke about his jealousy towards Santa Claus and his own personal self-esteem issues. (Beat) I told him, there’s no need to be jealous. You are very important and you are loved. These words opened Jackie to the truth and now he’s calm as a snowflake. (Beat) Dr. Christmas always does his job well, bright as the Northern Star!
{Dr. Christmas does a fancy spin move.}
Dr. Christmas: I encouraged Santa and Mrs. Claus to overcome their marital problems and to stop throwing those parties at their mansion that would put the Playboy Mansion to shame. (Beat) I stopped Frosty the Snowman from going on a suicide mission to the Virgin Islands, and the boozer Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his bouts of alcoholism. (Beat) I truly helped so many over the decades, my friends.
{Dr. Christmas has a sad look on his face.}
Dr. Christmas: But my greatest challenge was myself. The demons from my past started to haunt and torment me. I felt used, abused and confused! I was lost in oblivion. (Beat) How could I help anybody else, if I couldn’t help myself anymore? (Beat) So, I fled the Great North Pole to a faraway land known as the “Frozen Mountains.” The land of abandonment. Why did my parents abandon me? The trauma of a little boy was raging in my mind, heart and soul like a whirlwind! I was broken like a glass doll! (Beat) Christmas wasn’t the same without me practicing my practice.
{Dr. Christmas looks at the audience very still.}
Dr. Christmas: That’s when Santa and Mrs. Claus, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Ebenezer Scrooge Raps, Jackie Frost and thousands of little elves came to my rescue to save me from myself. They all told me that they love me. For love heals the brokenhearted! (Beat) So, I left the Frozen Mountains with my Christmas family and returned back home to the Great North Pole. I refuse to be a victim again! I’m a survivor! I’m not used, abused and confused anymore. I’m back on top again! Helping many, and always looking at Christmas through the eyes of a child. The wonder, magic and awe of it all! (Beat) I’m eating pizza with gingerbread toppings, playing frozen golf, and hanging out at Jolly’s, the greatest elf stripper joint in all of the North Pole, filled with that loving Christmas spirit! (Beat) If anybody here visits the Great North Pole and you need my assistance, the wonderful Dr. Christmas, please visit me at 777 Christmas Lane. I only charge candy canes for my time. (Beat) Santa loves you. Jesus, the reason for the season, loves you.
{Dr. Christmas smiles and does another spin move.}
Dr. Christmas: And so does Dr. Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas!
{Dr. Christmas exits stage right.} The end
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