Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 75

I am so sick and tired of people coming up to me and saying to me “How are you doing?” I am living in a cell with a camera watching my every move, I have two weeks of life and they want to know how I am. I cannot give the answer that springs to mind, as it would make me seem like a complete psychopath. I mean how many times can one be asked over and over how I am when I am looking in the abyss before I snap? I have always heard that places such as this breed insanity, I never truly believed this before. I always though that one could hold insanity at bay by force of will alone. Then when one is in the position of coming within days of execution you realize that insanity creeps into you without you ever realizing it. How can I look into my mirror without seeing the insane person staring back at me? I had spoken to others that have stood here and lived past it, they told me that this would change a man. I always thought that I would remain constant whether they executed me or not. I have changed this point of view as I have now stood here and I have stared into the abyss, and I can honestly now say unequivocally that something has looked back from those dark depths. If I walk away from this date I am forever changed. There is an old adage that says, “You can never go back.” Truer words were never spoken. After this I can no longer be the man I was before this execution date. I leave you today with this thought… You cannot judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes… Believe me when I tell you that to walk in my shoes is to tempt fate with your sanity.