Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 72

No, Tracey did not forget to post for days 69-71. I never wrote them. I have felt like the whole world has been intrusive lately. I know that I have written these journal entries of my own volition, and I have been fine with sharing with all of you that read my journal, but there are just times that I want to be private. I fear that my days of privacy are over. I have been moved into the cell equipped with the camera. I just felt as if the world were watching me.

I never though that these journal entries would reach so many people. Hello! WORLD WIDE WEB! I just never though, yes that is one of my problems; I often leap with no regard for whether or not I am jumping over the cliff with no means of flight. So I just wrote whatever came into my head without a thought about how my words would affect those people around me, in my personal life. I have had to apologize to so many people. I would take time here to publicly apologize to them, but that would change that I wrote about it in the first place, besides which it was my using this public forum for very private thoughts that has lead me to so many of my problems with this so I can only hope those who I have apologized to will accept my apology in private.

I chose to invite you into my head with this journal and I will see it through to the end. I feel you who have been following me from that first day deserve to see the end of this journey. Well, it will be decided in a mere nineteen days, less than 500 hours, I will know if I am to live or die.

I have heard that the Pope, YEAH! THE POPE! May speak on my behalf. I mean that is so beyond my comprehension. This is the most powerful man in the religious world and he may speak on my behalf. I feel unworthy of his attention and he knows my name. To contemplate this… my head spins as I attempt to put that into perspective. If the Pope does speak for me I cannot help but wonder what the uber elite Christian governor Rick Perry will think. I mean he has never granted clemency, I hope that I can be the one to show that he is a good man. I have thought long and hard about this man, I cannot believe that he is an uncaring “monster”, he is a man with a very hard job. I do not envy him having to decide whether a man should live or die. I do wish that he would come look me in the eye and tell me to my face that he has decided not to grant me clemency, if indeed he does deny my petition. I know that to be an unpractical desire as he does have the whole governing of Texas thing to do as well, and as many men that the state of Texas put to death each month, the governor would have to take a second residence here in Livingston in order to look each man in the eye to tell him he is denying his plea for clemency, but if he were to have to look a man in the face each time and see us as human beings still instead of just a case number, maybe then he would grant a few more pleas for clemency. I do not envy him his job now, but of he was forced to tell a man to his face that he didn’t think they were worthy to live, that a crime that happened, on the average ten or more years ago was so brutal and hideous that the man is no longer deserving of life. This is, to me, an admission that the state can no longer redeem this man. Most of the men that have sound their way here have committed crimes that were an isolated incident, and if they were to ever go back to society they could, and most likely would, live peacefully within the confines of any society. Of course this does not necessarily mean that all fall into the category by any means. I do think that most every man here though could, and would, go to any prison unit and not be heard from again. I have lived almost my whole like “inside”. I know these people, as I am one of them. I have gone far afield today, I close before I have you thinking that I mean to speak of every topic that comes to mind. I just needed to vent to someone and if I am writing about inconsequential things I can for a few moments forget what I am facing in nineteen days.