Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 62

As I sit and wait to find out if I will receive a stay I am becoming more and more despondent. I am fighting off the depressive state I find myself in. I hate that all I do lately on this journal is complain about how sad I am, how being here is so hard upon me. I tend to forget about the people that care and love me, how must this be affecting them. I am sure that this isn’t any easier on them than it is on me, I really have the easy part in all of this, I get to die at the end if it goes bad, they must live on, sure at first it be an overwhelming pain of loss, but soon they will learn to laugh after time. I will not have to deal with that, I just get to lie down and have my heart stopped and that will be the end of it for me. Written out like that it doesn’t sound so easy to me. There is so much agony and pain for everyone, my family, the victim’s family, and me. The circle of suffering just won’t end. I am wondering if the victim’s family feels that they will have closure as a result of my execution? Do they truly believe that my execution will help them in their grieving process? I cannot help but think that this execution only serves to continue the circle of suffering, I have but a single voice, and I have seen so many men murdered by the state of Texas, that I have my doubts about the effectiveness of my voice, but I do hope that if my voice isn’t enough to save my life then maybe it will be enough in the future to save another life….