Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 58

Each day that I am forced to sit and watch the sand fall into the bottom of the glass I realize how little time remains to me. I have become so depressed while I sit and watch. I can think of nothing else. I think that my letter writings and my journal entries will suffer from this depression. I wish the 12th were already past so that least I would know something one way or the other. As my date draws closer I have drawn more inward, I wish that I could allow others inside to see my pain, but as this date looms in my future I cannot help but to withdraw from everyone around me, even those I love, It is not as if I didn’t trust them or anything just that I feel that no one can help me through this, now can they? These other men around me could but they are going through it themselves and so how would I look if I were to “reach out” to then for support? That is just not done in prison. The whole system is based on testosterone. Every man trying to never show fear or any other emotion that is deemed “unmanly.” So here I sit watching those sands fall.