Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 57

I was just standing at my cell door watching the officers walking back and forth to feed the different sections of inmates. I was struck by the cold indifference with which they go about their jobs. It was at this time that I realized that before receiving my own scheduled execution date I too had that cold indifference to those who received a date of execution. Now as I sit and watch the world prepare to move forward if I am indeed executed. We are all changed by out experiences in the world, but almost no experience in my life has changed me like this one has. The birth of my son, the death of my brothers and a few more are these life-changing experiences. The days are growing shorter for me, each day I awaken with a sense of dread and must find a new reason to bring a smile to my face, it may come from a letter received in the mail, a card that a person took time to pick out to maybe bring the quick smile. I tell you now that those smiles are getting rare as the date looms closer, more and more I just wish to be alone with my thoughts and my letters.

The people around me are facing the same execution that I am, but if you will remember that I once said that we face it in our own ways. I choose to turn within for my strength; I do not want to go around bantering with these people I have found myself with. We are still a close knit community I have just become that crazy old man that yells for those “damned kids” to stay out of my flower gardens! I have always been content to be alone with my thoughts and now that this is coming I want to just be left alone by those around me, unfortunately they cannot understand this about me and have attempted to force me out of my self-imposed isolation. I have refused to be brought forth. I just cannot see how I can bring a smile each day but I do. I can tell you that they are getting harder and harder to find, so I cherish each as the treasures that they are.

I hate to sound all doomsday here and truly I am not, it is just that there are days when I can feel “May 12th” shrouding me like a specter, when I “feel” this I can almost imagine the coldness of the grace seeping into me, infusing my spirit with dread until I am full of mortal terror. It is a hard thing to do to face one’s own mortality.