Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 52

Today is Saturday. Saturdays are usually lazy days for most people. The day when you recover from Friday night’s exploits or the day you plan what to do for the Saturday night out, I spent today writing letters to those of you with whom I have been corresponding. I have to say that writing to so many people gets to be draining, I run through so many emotions when writing. With one person I smile and joke, with yet another I may feel a deep seated sorrow, or even an anger. To feel so many conflicting emotions in a day’s time can truly leave one feeling empty of any emotive energy at all. As I write this now I am apathetic at best. I feel like a robot as the typewriter clicks and beeps along with my fingers. I look up to see what I have written and am at times shocked to discover that there are meaningful words there!

I have been writing this journal every day since I discovered I had been scheduled an execution date. I have dug deeply at times to find something, anything, to write about. I will be the first to proclaim that I am far from the most gifted of writers, so I am amazed that so many people are reading this journal. I do not think I have any more right to be heard than anyone else, not do I have any more right to live. I am just trying to save my life. If I have ever said anything that was not warranted on these paves then I will apologize, but I wish you to know the truth of how I felt at that given time that I write that certain entry. I know that all of us has said, or written something and later regretted the telling of that. I am no different. What I feel today may change on the morrow. Does this make me an arrogant or evil man? Cannot someone look past my words to see that I am scared of what may come? Am I any less human because I am here? I may feel like a robot because the emotional roller coaster ride I currently find myself on, but no matter what, we can always find new emotions locked within out hearts of we only look.

I do not know what message, if any, I am trying to write today. Maybe I just wish to show people that I am human and not just some evil thing. Oh I do not know what I am saying today! I am almost looking forward to May 12th I know how that sounds but on that date I will either know that I shall live or die. Either way, I will know peace of mind. I only want to rest without the threat of this over my head. I lie here at night as I try to fall asleep and I think about what will happen to me. I was up knowing that I am one day closer to it. I am fighting but I am seeing no results from my efforts. I have a lawyers phone call on Monday, not sure what lawyer I will speak to. I wrote to the Texas Defenders Service about my case only to be told that they cannot represent me due to a conflict of interest. I have expressed a desire to fire my attorney, as he seems content in allowing the state to just kill me. I shouldn’t expect too much from him, since after all he is paid by the state of Texas to represent me. My mother once said it so beautifully: If you pay a person to paint your house he works for you, but if your neighbor pays a person to paint YOUR house who then does he truly work for? I will write about whom I got the call from in Monday’s entry.

I also have a visit coming from a man who said he might be able to help me. I do now know what he will say, or if I will be able to financially afford his help. I do know that in this great country of ours, anything is for sale, even justice! I mean look at the cases we’ve all seen and you will see what I say is the truth. Unfortunately for me I cannot afford too much American justice, if I were able to afford that level of justice I would never have had to have a state appointed attorney filing each of my appeals for relief.