Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 48

I have been trying all day to no avail to not think about this day’s execution and mine in 43 days. I mean am I strong enough to face the death chamber if it comes down to it? I see men walk away from here but I never see them when that time comes. What must they think? Do their hearts beat so fierce that it threatens to burst from their chest? Each passing day beings me that much closer to the death chamber and I am beginning to wonder if I will have the strength to walk the last mile unaided.

These journal entries have helped me when I needed an outlet for my angst and when I just needed to vent, but they be of no help if I cannot save my life. Some people may think what I write it tripe or of a trivial nature, but those of you who read this are not the ones that are looking into that abyss. I guess that some of you may have a loved one here on the row, hell you may even be ones of the loved ones of one of the men who are currently on death watch with me and you may think that you are going through this with the, I have news for you, you have no idea what it is like to sit in this cage to know that one day they will come for you and tell you that this is the day you die. I do not mean to say that a part of you wont die that day, but I know what it is like to have to continue to live after someone you love dearly is taken from you. My brothers died and at the time I thought I couldn’t continue but soon I found laughter again. It may take a year or however long, but even the pain of that death will heal. I tell you that for those of us that are here it is not so east to heal that wound of death. So to those of you reading this and thinking what I write is really stupid or meaningless, I tell you that until you are facing what I am facing then how can you pass judgment onto me? What should I write about here? Should I instead write about the wonderful officer who comes to feed me? Maybe I should praise the state of Texas for the effortless east with which they keep the death machine running? Forgive an ignorant unschooled man for writing about his feelings instead of impressing upon those of you who would scoff at my writing. I must apologize to the rest of you who think that my writings are note a waste of cyberspace. Then again who can tell what any of you think? I have received almost nothing but good reviews from the people that read my journal. I cannot, though, help but think of the negative that I have gotten. I guess it is like the old adage of a few bad apples spoiling the bunch.