Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 31

I am feeling so depressed today and really do not feel like writing today, but as several people have told me I am writing about not feeling like writing. I now realize that a lot of people are reading my journal and I feel obligated to express even my feelings of not feeling the urge to write. I can tell you though where the depression has come from. My stepsister Jodi wrote to me and explained why she discontinued our relationship several years ago. She began to question what my co-defendants and I were doing in San Antonio, the city that is close to where my father lived at the time of the murders. She expressed her worry that I, or more likely my co-defendant Billy Galloway would confront my father and that her mother, my father’s wife would be killed and that if her daughter were there that she would be harmed, even killed! I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach when I read her words. I realize that she does not know me and so has no idea what I am capable of. If she had just come to me with her worries years ago she would have known that I am not capable of harming a child. She and I have missed out on years of a relationship that we could have built had she only come to me with this. I am deeply hurt by her accusations; I use this word because that is what it felt like to me. She is my family, even if by marriage, but I am not the kind of man who harms his own family, at least not physically. I am aware that my actions have caused many hurt feelings by my family, but just because I am on Death Row my own family has thought I could harm her daughter, is she any different than those that have sent me here? I told her not to bother writing me any more, I wish that Jodi and I could have built that relationship, but I do not want her to feel obligated to have one now that I am at death’s door. She can try my brother Sean, maybe they can find a bond, I just hope she doesn’t accuse him of a possible crime that she has no idea if he is capable of committing!