Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 27

I received a letter from my mother, brother and sons last night. The one from my mother spoke of wishes for a visit, but lacking the funds to do so at this time. I think that she wants to wait and see what happens before spending the money to come, only to be forced to spend more money than she can afford to come back down in May. She hates coming here, when she lived here in Texas she would come as often as she could make herself. I wish she’s have come every week but can understand that seeing me in that box just reaffirms what I am here to die. I have caused her such pain by my actions, actions that have sent me to prison and away from her and my family.

The letters from my sons were as different as they are from one another. My oldest spoke of the May visit but not much else, he has so many anger issues at my leaving him without a father which I can understand as I too was in that unenviable position of growing up without a father. We tell ourselves that we are not going to repeat the sins of our fathers, well sometimes that is much easier said than done. The letter from my younger son was most inspiring to me. He told me a lie that was one of the most well intended lies I have ever been told. He told me that he had no regret at having to grow up without me there. I could love him for those words alone.

My brother’s letter was the hardest to read. After our brother Richard was shot and killed my brother Sean became my best friend. Prior to Rich’s death, Sean and I could not be in the same room for more than a few moments without fighting either verbally or physically. Then when we became the closest of friends, I found that we are so much alike that it is scary at times. All three of us could have passed for triplets, so now in my late teens many people mistook us for twins. While I was serving my time for the robbery I wrote about a few days ago, Sean began an affair with Nicole my wife! The entire family hid this fact from me for quite some time. Now on the eve of my murder he wishes for my forgiveness. I find myself wanting to not forgive him, but in a very nasty letter written only moments before starting this journal entry, I gave him that forgiveness but I also gave him the full brunt of my anger.

All my life I have bottled up my anger and it has lead to some unfortunate incidents where I would scream at the smallest provocation, many times directing an over amount of anger at someone who frankly did not deserve such. This time though I decided to speak my mind and tell him that while he had the forgiveness for his betrayal he does not have my understanding. He has my anger. I want none of his false support. I have been on death row for almost a decade and he came to Texas once, only he did not come exclusively to see me. His girlfriend at that time had taken a strippers job in Galveston and well two birds with one stone. I find it morbidly humorous to see all the people that wish to wish me luck with my death when I struggled for some time without their help the entire time I have been here, now that I have a date, they are here for me! I could have used this support when I got here. My mother was here until the coming here became too much for her to bear, then she went back to South Dakota to be close to her grandchildren, who in my opinion needed her more than I did at the time.

I am of two minds now that I sit here writing this, should I make amends with Sean and die (if it comes to that) knowing that he and I are “good”? Or should I leave it like this? I went as far as to say that need not bother coming down here if it appears I will be murdered. I do not wish to look upon his or Nicole’s faces ever again. I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot count upon certain people.

I will write again tomorrow.

May you all know peace with one another. Know that I am thankful for the letters I have received from some of you that have been following this. I also with you to know that I am trying to answer all of them but I have only so much time and am being run ragged here lately so if you have written and not by this time gotten a response it is NOT because I am indifferent, but have a lack of time. I continue to be grateful for any and all supporting words and for those of you who have written for clemency on my behalf. I ask this of you though, if each of you could ask one or two friends to also write something for me, I believe in my soul that you people have the power to change things. Even if you fail to change the governor’s mind and I am murdered, please do not give up hope, find another person here on the row who can be saved.