Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 25

I am not sure exactly how the human mind works, but I have been hearing, as I believe we all have at one point or another, about the psychic capacity or potential I guess would be a better term. However we look at these things, at times we have all experienced this, you will be thinking of someone and they will call you. So I was writing about my miseries in yesterday’s journal and I went to sleep thinking that I had few people that truly cared whether or not I lived or died. Well I was awoken by the officer passing out the mail. I got in the mail an e-mail (JPay) letter from Thomas’ friend Tracey. She sent along the comments that some of you have made about this journal. I was moved to tears, and as any of you that been following my words know that I am not a person that cries easily. I am not a religious person, I prefer to think of myself as a spiritualist, I believe in the trinity and that I will go on to heaven if God forgives the sins I commit, but when I read that you people out there are not only listening to me but are actually willing to help me stay alive, I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to God. I thank all of you that are willing to write letters to help save me. What can I say that will show my appreciation? I guess I could reply on simplicity and say, Thank you, thank you for caring, for loving another human whom you’ve never met, who has never claimed to be an angel, I have been many things but never that. Thank you I believe mostly for the trust and belief you have in my ability to contribute to society. You will, I hope, never find out what it feels like to be called utterly worthless, knowing full well that you can be a productive member of society. The fact that a small group of people almost a decade ago said exactly this to me has had an impact upon the way I look at myself. I mean sure I have tried to deny their assessment of me, but always there would be a small, almost insignificant voice that would whisper, “maybe…” To have my self worth affirmed by you is as great a gift for me as freedom, well okay, maybe not that much, but seriously it is a great thing to know that someone can see me as having potential again.

I close today with each of you on my mind and renewed hope in my fellow man. I mean if you guys are having faith in me, should I not too have some faith that there is a humane spirit with the state of Texas’ powers that be and I will be given a change to live. I will trade the prospect of death for even a life within the confines of prison. Who knows what a man, even one who must spend his days in a cage, is capable of? I could grow wings and fly chained to the earth as I am I too could soar through the ether. You people have given me new hope.