Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 24

I am really falling into a depressive state. It is not solely because of the date, though that certainly is a contributing factor. I never got the visit I was expecting from my mother and sons. I have been long periods without visits with them since coming to death row as they live in South Dakota and I am of course in Texas. Now however that I have this execution date I am feeling their absence keenly and I, as I stated previously am feeling abandoned once more. I can tell you though about one person who despite my stupidity has never abandoned me. This person had every right to go on about her life and forget about me. I decided to stop writing her because of Samantha. I foolishly wasted my time when in the end Samantha too abandoned me like most every person who I have placed my trust in. The person I am speaking of is a special person who has my heart, my trust, my loyalty and most important to me she has my respect. Her name is Stefania Silva and she lives in Italy. I want to tell the world that she is the single, most dedicated person in my life as far as the fight to save my life goes. Where is Samantha, you know the woman who claimed she would love me for eternity? I still love her and I will never deny my love for her. I love Stefania as well, my love for her though has taken longer to develop. I have known Stefi for longer than I knew Sammy J. I just feel that you have a right to know that even though my family and my so-called wife have left me to my fate, I have one person that has and shall remain as constant as the tides.

As I type this journal I have run the gambit of emotions and I am sure that before it is all said and done I will once more. I am sure that most every one of you that read these words may doubt what I am about to say, but please believe me when I tell you, because I wish to paint as accurate a picture of this place as possible I am sure that others in my position could and would use the space Thomas has allotted me to speak lies to ensure that the public at large would support their cause. I feel that those who wish to take an active role in the fight to save my life will do so, and lied will serve me not. That being said, the people here on death row are generally happy and at any given time you can hear laughter ring out of the cells that surround us. Most when they picture prison, they picture the dark and dank dungeons of yore, but this does not hold true in the modern world of gaols. No gone are the torture chambers and the black cell that would drive the inhabitant to mental instability, to be replaced by cells that by comparison are quite nice. I mean even though Texas doesn’t allow televisions to death row inmates we have radios and we are allowed to play games, There is laughter here, yes even here where we must face the death of men we have come to love as brothers, we can laugh.

I tell you all this only to illustrate that my depressive state is NOT normal for me. Any one who spends even a fraction of time with me will come to realize that I enjoy laughter to anger, sorrow or apathy. But I am finding it harder as each day passes to summon those smiles.