Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 23

Well it is early in the AM and I am still hoping to get a visit today, this will be the last day of the week to get one. I am not going to dwell upon that though, as I woke this morning with a bit of hope and it is too early to allow that hope to die. I still have not heard from my attorney even to tell me that I have a date! Again though I refuse to dwell upon the negative today.

What I did not tell you yesterday was that I had my meeting with the representative from the Board of Pardons and Paroles. I was lead to believe that this person would speak with me and then based upon this interview make a recommendation to the board, but this is not the case at all. The lady who spoke with me only makes a report with no recommendation for or against my receiving clemency. I will be writing to the board to ask them to grant me clemency in the event that I do not get a stay of execution. I would ask that each of you that feels strongly about it write to the governor to ask for clemency for me. I understand that you do not know me except through these journal entries, I welcome any of you to write to me to get to know the man before you write anything. I only tell you that I have not too many days to live if I am not granted a stay so time is of the essence.

I am sorry but I do not have much to speak of today. I guess I could tell you of the daily life that faces a man on death watch as opposed to what it is like to be just another death row inmate. I am thinking that some of you may think that they are the same but you’d be wrong. For the first thing they have us all live on one section. There are 14 cells per section on any DR section, 6 sections per pod. Now once a man is moved to death watch he is no longer allowed to even have his prison issued ID because he no longer has an identity as far as the officials here see it. He is no longer able to recreate outside of his section. Normally we are allowed to rec on any section as long as that rec dayroom is available the given hours we request it. No “regular” DR inmates are allowed into this section. I feel like a leper from the Old Testament. We are isolated to such a degree that before long we even start to look upon ourselves as being different. You recall my first day over here, I spoke of these men as “them” now it is “we” and I associate with them and not with those others who have not shared in this. The officers also treat us differently, only they treat is like terminally ill men. I suppose in a way what we have is terminal.

I look at the world so much differently now. When you have mere days to live things take on a new meaning. I count my life in days rather than say, oh I’ll get to it something, I do it as soon as I think about it because time is so short. Another weird thing is that I don’t seem to sleep as I used to. I have not slept for more than a four hour period since getting my date. Time seems so important to me that I don’t wish to miss anything and I believe my subconscious has picked up on it. Things that a few months ago seemed so important to me have lost their appeal. I am focused upon the fight for my life that nothing else seems to matter any longer.

I leave you with this thought. Think about if you were told that you’d be dead in 70 days, how would you like to spend that time? I wish that you’d decide to love and be content. May your days be filled with happiness.