Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 2

Good morning to all of you, though it may not be morning as you read this, for me it is. I have awoken this morning with a renewed sense of optimism. As I lay in my bunk last evening trying to fall asleep I was awash in thoughts of self-loathing, self-recrimination and self-pity. I started thinking “What can I do about it?” I thought that if my lawyer hadn’t filed on something, then the issue must not have had any merit. But there was so much he failed to do over the years. I sank pretty low that I contemplated taking my own life to deprive the state the satisfaction of being able to murder me. Then this little voice inside of me awoke and screamed: “Hey stupid! If you kill yourself then they get what they want!” So I started wondering, “What can I do?” It was like the sun coming up in the early hours after the long night of darkness, is it any wonder that the ancient Mayans worshipped the sun? This life-giving orb. So like the sun coming up I have an idea that could deny the state their sacrificial lamb. There are a few guys back here who have dedicated their time to becoming writ writers and paralegals. I often scoffed at the practice thinking that my lawyer had only my best interests in his mind. In my naiveté I thought that my lawyer would do all to save my life. I could not be more wrong, to my utter shock I have found that he has only filed that which is necessary in order to get his state money. I have decided to try to see what these few writ writers think about my case. Most of them do not like for the man to know what they do because nobody gets harassed more than a jailhouse lawyer. But I know several good ones, and I will seek their opinion. One has already given me his, but he has counselled me that the odds were very long, so I want to see what the others say. I guess this is called desperation. I have 86 days to live, but that isn’t enough. I want to live to see my grandchildren. I will write again tomorrow. Please wish me luck in my search.