Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 21

I feel a little better today. To say that I have a “good” day while on death watch may shock some people, but this I would imagine just goes back to that indominitable spirit I spoke on a few days ago. I woke this morning feeling refreshed and ready to dace whatever Polunsky Unit had to throw at me. I have been thinking about my children and their possible visit tomorrow. To say that I am excited would be so an understatement! With thoughts of my children also comes thoughts of their mother, my first wife. I have spoken on Samantha a few times and thought I would share with you Nicole. As much as I love Samantha and wish she would come back to me, I love Nicole too.

When I first met Nicole she was still a child, NO! I am NOT a child molester! She was seventeen and living alone with a nine month old son. The first sight of her made my heart quicken. She is one of those women that just screams “sexy” I am not sure exactly what it is about her but she could walk into a room full of beautiful women and dominate that room. I cannot express properly her beauty. After dating her a month or so she had me wrapped around her finger. I would do ANYTHING she asked of me. In that short time I also fell in love with her son! I had never been a father before and that little boy stole my heart! We were happy to find out a few months into our relationship that she would have my son. For a few months we were the happiest family unit. Then we started to have problems. Nicole is a very jealous person and soon began to accuse me of cheating on her. I didn’t find out till later that she had cheated on me, and so her accusations were because she felt guilty of her own infidelities. I began to think that is I was to be blamed for something that I may as well reap the benefits of it. Hindsight… not too good an idea. Suffice it to say that we both became so paranoid that our relationship began to deteriorate until all we did was fight and recall who had hurt who the most. I went back to prison for stealing $25,000 in money orders to go to Vegas and party. Not the smartest thing I have ever done. Then again, how many men can claim to have superior thinking when it comes to women?

The whole time I was in prison, all I thought about was coming home and being a family again. Then in May of ’98 I got my wish, but soon again Nicole and I were fighting. This time though it was over her ongoing relationship with another man that she had been dating while I was in the Penn. Well now after all this time in prison again I still love her in my own way, she was my soul mate and when I see my sons I see her face in them, I still dream of her as I did when we were married. I guess it is true that love never really dies.