Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 22

Today is my birthday and I expected a visit with my mother and my sons, but they never came. I have not heard from my mom since before I told her that I had been scheduled an execution date.

I am not feeling like writing to you right now, but you have taken your time to read my thoughts in this difficult time and so I guess you are entitled to read the bad with the good and so I will tell you how I am feeling.

I feel abandoned all over again.

I have not told you about when my mother gave me away. I was ten years old and had been caught vandalizing a local store, namely spray painting something (I cannot remember what at this time) and this was just another example of my behavior and when the police brought me home to my mom she told them to keep me and she could no longer deal with me. I was taken to a family I had never met and told that I was to live with them now. I of course had other ideas and promptly left and hitch hiked the 30 miles home only to be told by my mother that I no longer lived there! I was sent to several different juvenile institutions for this. Now as I sit and write these words to you I feel like that ten-year-old boy with no family. We are not allowed phone calls here in Texas except for one every 90 days and I cannot make another call until April so I cant even call her to ask her why I am sitting here awaiting a visit that never came. I want to curl into a ball and cry but I know that this will not take away the pain of it not to mention that I have not cried in so long that I am not even sure that I have the ability to do so any longer. I don’t want to make it seem that I am without emotion, because I am not. I just cannot cry anymore. I have cried too often in the past that my tears are gone. I cannot even cry for myself when I want to so badly. I will stop here before I am too depressed to write coherently. Thank you for the ability to express these thoughts.