Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga – DAY 68

I fear I am on a downward spiral, every day I try to stay positive and everyday I fail miserably. I see that days pass with frightening speed. I cannot help but think of the day the state of Texas will legally murder me. How can I not fall into a never-ending loop of despair? I am still hopeful to get a stay, as I have not heard from my attorney to the contrary. There are doubts within me, am I still sane? Have I been pushed over into the abyss? I fear that I have stared too long into the abyss and maybe something has stared back. I feel a “darkness” within me, an apathy that I fear ay grow into something that will lead me to completely shut myself off from everyone and everything.

Today I may have to move into the cell with the camera. I say may because Billy’s date is the day after mine and he is in the cell next to that one, while the other “camera” cell I am next to, the current occupant of this cell next to me has a scheduled date for Tuesday, but knowing TDCJ I will be taken downstairs tonight and Billy will be brought upstairs on Tuesday. Yes, it makes no sense.

Things rarely make sense in TDCJ. Case in point I heard from Thomas last night, seems that TDCJ has punished him for MY journal! I can only imagine what will happen to me if I am granted a stay of execution. Thomas’ punishment shows me that I have struck a nerve with something I have said. To tell you the truth I never thought that I would ever have the influence that I seem to have due to this journal. I mean I am only expressing myself. I am not preaching anarchy not chaos here. I only wanted to share with you the mental, emotional and even the physical turmoil one goes through while awaiting the state to come and strap him down and stop his heart with their nice “humane” poisons. I once heard that poison is a coward’s choice of weapon. I am shocked that the ‘executioner’ doesn’t hide behind a mask. I mean does he/she look the condemned person in the eyes before administrating the poison? I am sure that the person hides in the next room as it would be more humane for the person forced (forced? I think not) to “push the button.” They are worried about the humanity of murder. How can these people continue to go to their churches and pray to God when they participate in legal murder? I am condemned for murder and these people, well I am preaching to the choir here. I can say with complete honesty that I am happy that what I have said in the last 68 days has had some impact upon TDCJ. It shows me that my voice can be heard. Thomas Whitaker is a good friend; I hope that he seems me as a scalpel and not a sledgehammer (an inside joke that he will appreciate). I never thought of myself as anything special, but I started speaking with Thomas and he convinced me that I have a voice that people may enjoy listening to. Well I now see that had I listened to him when he first started to ask me to write for his site, I think that I could have made a difference. Maybe I am being overly proud, I guess that we’ll never know now will we?

I have just over three weeks until this is decided and I will make an attempt to stay positive, but it is getting more difficult with every rising of the sun. Thank you to those who have given me their support. I can never repay all the kindness that has been shown to me in this hour of need. I met some new people and I hope and pray that I will be granted a stay, or even clemency, so that I may deepen my new relationships. To build a relationship that will be beneficial for them as well as myself. I have often wondered what I have that could possibly be of benefit to those people that write to me. I have been told that I have a nice sense of humor, but is that enough? These are thoughts, though, for another day…