(Too Late To) Apologize

I felt like I was on top of the world. The family was good, loved ones were good, so why not grip wood through the hood?

One day, I went to re-up on some dope from Green Eyes, and while I was there, he said he wanted me to meet his homeboy that was coming over. He told me that he moved birds.

I was like, “Cool, I’ll meet him.”

I was watching music videos on Green Eyes’ laptop when this homeboy of his got there. I was not really paying no mind and minding my own business watching videos, but I could hear everything that was going on in the house.

I heard Green Eyes greet some guy named Harry. He was coming in through the back, and I guess Green Eyes was about to shut the door because Harry said, “Hold on, my girl is coming.”

I don’t know why I turned around, but I turned right when this beautiful Caribbean-looking female walked in. She was almost breathtaking and although I was pulling all types of women and had a few girlfriends, this girl was someone to talk about. She is someone to write about, and someone I’d like to share with you, readers.

I stayed sober, but as she walked in, it was like everything started to move in slow motion.

She had long straight hair and it looked like she just brushed it with a thousand strokes. It was so straight and bounced up and down like she shampooed her hair with active botanicals that gave her hair volume and pizazz. It waved from side to side in slow motion with every little step she took.

She was really short with golden skin, like she had just come from the beach. Her brown eyes were huge with long, long eyelashes. Her lips were pout-like and shiny with a coat of lip gloss. Her body was nice and her shorts were short, and although they were kind of loose-fitting shorts, they looked so good on her.

The flip flops and little top went perfect with her pedicured toes and manicured fingernails that just set everything off.

She was in her twenties like me, but Harry looked way older than her.

She looked at me, I looked at her, and I saw the corner of her cute lips turn into a half smile.

I had to look away, as I did not want to be rude to my drug connects’ homeboy.

That girl looked good and she knew she looked good.

Well, readers, I’m kind of ugly, but I stayed fresh and clean, and my hair stayed all luxurious and fancy-like.

I kept new snap backs and my footwear was amazing. My size six and a half made my shoe artillery so much harder than the average. Not to mention being tatted up with a drip game almost out of control, but honestly, I didn’t need any of that. It’s my personality that shines like the brightest diamonds, so I’ve been told.

Enough about me, let’s get back to this beautiful woman.

Her name was Suzy.

Harry and her came in and sat on the sofa with Green Eyes. 

Harry and Green Eyes had their backs to me, but Suzy was right across from me with a clear view.

I went back to watching music videos, but I could feel someone looking at me.

Suzy was staring at me with no type of care or worry that her huge boyfriend was right there. 

She was looking too hard, and I had to move the laptop in front of me so she couldn’t see me.

I just knew she was still looking in my direction, so I peeped over the laptop and sure enough, this girl was smiling at me from ear to ear.

It was too much.

I got up and told Green Eyes that I was about to head up out of there.

Green Eyes was like, “Hold up, little Czer, I didn’t introduce you to my partner.”

Harry got up and we shook hands.

Green Eyes said, “This is the little gangster I was telling you about.”

Harry and I were standing in front of each other, and he stood at about six foot tall with a huge Rick Ross beard.

He said, “Yeah, little Czer, Green Eyes told me about you. If you want to do something with some soft, I got you.”

We traded numbers and I put ‘Harry Beard’ as his contact information into my cell phone.

A couple of days later, I was riding around, dropping off dope to whoever wanted some. I didn’t discriminate on who they were, where they were, or how much they wanted. I would drive across town just to take someone a dime. The drive over there would probably cost more in gas.

The thing about that though, was that these same customers who I’d take whatever to, wherever they were, when they had more money than for just a dime, they would spend it with me. Being loyal to my customers made them loyal to me. They were going to keep calling me and not another dope boy that was too good to take a dime to someone too far, and at a crazy hour. I was available at any time of day or night, every day, and every night.

As I was bumping a Jeezy CD, I got a call from someone unexpected. The phone rang and the contact read, ‘Harry Beard’.

I answered it and a female voice said, “Hey.”

I said, “Who is this?”

She said, “You don’t know who this is?”

I said, “Yes, I know. What’s up, Suzy?”

We started talking, and do you know how when you meet someone you like and want to grab their attention to maybe get them to like you too? How you will do your best to spark up a conversation and try to turn the conversation into more? How you may be attracted to someone and will do whatever to attract them?

Well, instead of me doing this, Suzy did it to me. She had my full attention on the phone. She chopped me up and had me laughing and wanting to hear her more.

I was enjoying talking to her, but it was a Friday and my phone was blowing up with customers. I had to keep clicking over to see what a customer wanted so I could take it to them.

I would tell Suzy, “Hold on, don’t hang up. I’m going to click over real quick.”

I kept doing this over and over, and it did not matter how gorgeous this girl was, I was addicted to chasing money more than anything.

Suzy was not tripping though and didn’t seem to mind at all. The conversation continued on.

After a while, Suzy said, “I can see that you are busy. I will call you later if you want me to.”

I knew I couldn’t call her back on Harry’s phone and I said, “Of course, I want you to call me back.”

I guess we were about to hang up when she said, “I’ll call you later, unless you want to come pick me up?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ll scoop you up. Where do you stay at?”

She said she was going to text the address and we hung up.

I went back to answering customers’ calls and then I got the message with Suzy’s address, telling me to text when I got close.

I checked myself out before I headed over there. I had on new socks and draws, fresh kicks, and a fresh muscle shirt snugged around my nice tatted up physique. My hair was coated with gel and had a fresh cut. I was clean out the shower with minty breath and had Starburst in the cup holder.

Of course, I had condoms. You have to protect yourself out there, readers. At least wear one in the beginning of your promiscuous rendezvous to confirm that your partner is not passing out the goods to you and a thousand other lucky contestants. It could make you very unlucky.

I took care of customers on the way and texted her when I got close. She texted back and told me to park behind a white car I would see.

I pulled up, parked behind it, hit the lights, and waited. I kept answering the phone, but I was telling everybody that I was eating and would get back to them later.

While I was putting my phone on the charger, I saw Suzy doing a little power walk toward my Cadillac. I had to stop and admire this smoking hot girl.

Her hair breezed behind her like a flow of silk. She had on some tight jeans, a small top, and the tiniest Jordans I had ever seen.

She came to the door and as she got in she filled the car with her perfume. It smelled so good. She looked small sitting there in the big body Deville, and was so cute as she crossed her shiny legs.

I said, “Hey.”

She smiled and made me feel something in my heart as she looked at me with her big, sparkling brown eyes. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew I liked it. I liked her, and it was something beyond her beauty and good looks.

We talked a little bit, and I was not answering the phone, but you could see it light up with calls.

Suzy said, “You can answer it, Czer. Take care of whatever you need to. I thought that’s why I was coming with you.”

I looked at her and remembered what Green Eyes said about her boyfriend Harry moving birds. That meant that this girl knew what was up.

I told her, “Alright,” and then started answering the phone, letting people know I was done eating and to give me a minute.

I put the phone down and asked Suzy what type of music she liked.

She put her small fist to her cute lips and looked up like she was giving it some strong thought. I loved her answer.

She said, “I like Jeezy, Lil’ Wayne, and Z-Ro.”

I was like, “What?! I have the new Z-Ro CD in the player right now.”

I pushed play and the fifteen-inch speakers started beating hard in the trunk.

We looked at each other and there was no denying the chemistry between us was of the highest degree.

I pushed the big body Cadillac toward the freeway with Suzy’s little body next to me.

We went to meet people to drop off stuff here and drop off stuff there. The whole time it’s like we were on a little date. I enjoyed Suzy’s company and we were having fun laughing, talking, driving, and went to Whataburger to eat. We ordered food and I got a chocolate milkshake, and Suzy got a strawberry flavored one.

As we drove around, gulping down our shakes, Suzy said, “Let me taste yours.”

I gave her my shake, and she gave me hers. She tasted mine and said, “Yours tastes better.”

I tasted hers and said, “No, yours tastes better.”

We traded. It’s like, I loved everything about her, even her choice of milkshake, and I think she may have felt the same way about me.

I was meeting a lot of people at a gas station where my friend worked. Suzy was keeping lookout, lighting my squares, being the DJ. She was a great copilot.

We rode all night and before you know it, we were kissing and touching.

I pulled up to my friend Barbara’s house and we went inside. I have been friends with Barbara and her husband for a long time. They were both functioning addicts that worked all week to pay their bills and liked to smoke crack with any extra money they had.

I introduced Suzy to Barbara and asked about her husband. He was doing small county time, and I gave her twenty dollars for his commissary. I knew she would give it to him; they had a really good relationship.

She put the money to the side and bought a fifty from me.

Suzy was in the living room, as I dealt with Barbara in the kitchen. 

She said, “Is that your girlfriend?”

I said, “No, but I like her a lot.”

She said, “Do you want to take her to the bedroom?”

I asked her what she wanted for that, and she said to just give her something to smoke.

I chunked her a thirty piece and took Suzy to the room with me. I turned on the television, and we got to rubbing and tugging. We ended up doing the super nasty and she acted like she had not had sex in years.

After, as we lay there, Suzy started to tell me how her boyfriend Harry was always gone, always cheating on her, and that he even hits her.

I listened and could hear the pain in her voice. I personally will never understand why men hit women. They are fragile and beautiful creations from God. 

I am even more confused at the men who hit the women they care about. I thought they would show love to the one they loved, not hate.

As Suzy and I kept talking, I was remembering how Suzy had a really big bush when I took her panties off. It looked like some real life 80’s porn! I didn’t even mean to ask her while she poured her heart out to me.

I said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this, but I just have to know.”

Suzy said, “What is it?”

I said, “Why do you have such a big bush?”

Suzy looked at me like she could not believe I just asked her that. She slapped my arm and then covered her face like she was so embarrassed.

Both of us started laughing hysterically, but I still wanted to know. I moved her hands away from her face and she said, “I want to, Czer, but Harry won’t let me shave it.”

I said, “So, Harry likes it hairy?”

We both burst out giggling, and although we just had sex, it was like the ice was broken between us. 

I liked Suzy a lot, and she liked me. 

We did the nasty again, went to meet more people, and then I took her home.

Well, not home. I took her to the white car. After we kissed, she got out of my ride, and as she walked away, she turned around and saw me looking. She gave me a big smile that I could not get out of my head.

It was crazy because the next day, although I had females all around me, and I knew Suzy had a boyfriend, I could not stop thinking of that smile. I could not call her though, and I had to wait until she called me.

She called a couple of days later. She could not just leave anytime she wanted to, but the first chance she could, I was picking her up by the white car again. She got in the Caddy, looking even better than I remember. She was always smiling at me, our conversation stayed in high gear, and even in the silence it was lovely to be around her.

She told me she had a surprise for me. I asked her what it was and she pulled her shorts down to show me that she shaved the monster bush away. She smiled from ear to ear as I looked and I could not help but to pull over so I could examine it a lot more carefully.

Suzy and I stayed having fun together. She would put on music she liked and said that every time she heard the song called, ‘With You’ by Chris Brown, she would think of me. We’d be in the car singing it to each other. It became our song.

The sneaking around seeing each other kept going on. I was even ignoring the other females I had in my life. Terry could not leave her baby dad alone. Loretta was devoted to heroin. Hailey was waiting for her dude to get out of prison. Courtney was in prison. Feron was the unluckiest girl I had ever met. And any others were around just to be around.

I wanted to give my heart to someone, but who?

Suzy had a boyfriend, and I did my best to keep it player. I had to take her home to Harry every night, and when my feelings got involved, it did not feel good to drop her off to another man.

I knew what it was from the jump. I should have just smashed and dashed.

Suzy was a good girl, but she was taken. I was the one in the wrong, but I used the excuse of Harry hitting her, and cheating on her, to justify my own actions. I was really the one being unethical.

I caught feelings for Suzy. But sometimes it is better to follow your brain instead of your heart. Sometimes, you should follow your heart though.

I kept my feelings inside, especially my feeling of love. I could not tell Suzy that I loved her. I believed it would have ruined things between us.

I was with other women, but I thought of Suzy.

I would drop her off, and picture her with Harry.

All of this was a tough situation, but I kept on. I felt that the happiness now would be worth the hurt later.

One day, I got a call from Suzy while I was visiting my granny. I answered and Suzy was crying and talking gibberish.

I said, “What’s wrong, Suzy? Why are you crying? Are you okay? Where are you?”

She said, “Czer, I have to tell you something.”

I had no idea what was going on, but I listened carefully and said, “What is it? You can tell me.”

She said, “I’m in love with you, Czer. I don’t want to be with Harry no more. I want to be with you.”

I was like, “What?! I have been wanting to tell you that I love you too.”

She said, “You do?”

I said, “Hell yeah, I do! I just didn’t want to ruin things between us.”

Suzy started crying again and said that she loved me again. 

I told her that I loved her back, and then asked where she was at.

She said, “I’m outside in your grandma’s driveway.”

I said, “Hold on, I’ll be out in a second.”

I went outside and saw a candy-blue Buick Regal sitting on some twenty-six-inch chrome rims, with a T-top roof. Suzy was in the driver’s seat, looking all small with some huge sunglasses on.

I went to the passenger side and looked at the ostrich leather interior and digital dash. TV screens were everywhere, and the stereo had a thousand lights shining. This car was clean and I knew a lot of money was put into it.

I looked at Suzy and asked her who the car belonged to.

She was still crying and said, “It’s Harry’s. I took his dope, car, and money.”

While I was trying to absorb all of this shocking information, Suzy pulled out two ounces of coke, two ounces of crack, and about three thousand dollars.

She handed it to me and said, “It’s yours, Czer.”

I put the zips in my pocket, and as I was about to start to count the money, I saw Suzy look straight ahead with such a cute, but sad face. I told her to get out of the car.

She stepped out and I wrapped her up in my arms. I held onto her and she cried into my chest. I stroked her hair and told her that everything would be okay. She kept on crying and I kept on holding her. I loved this girl, and I wanted to be with her for as long as she would let me.

When Suzy calmed down, I looked down into her pretty eyes and said, “First things first, we have to get rid of this car.”

I gave her the keys to my Cadillac and told her to follow me. I jumped in the Regal and started it. The motor sounded like it belonged to a Lexus or something like that.

The digital dash lit up bright, and Pimp C blared out of the speakers.

I drove out of my granny’s driveway and went to look for somewhere to park this ride. This was my plug’s homeboy’s car. I was not trying to steal it, or strip it. I wanted him to have it back – somehow, someway.

I knew what it was like to put money into a car. Sometimes feelings get involved. I used to talk to some of my cars, name them women’s names, caress them, and rub them down with wax.

Knowing all this, I wanted Harry to have his car back.

I came up with a great idea. 

I sold crack to a woman nicknamed, ‘Fake Boob Lisa.’ She worked off the internet, selling sex, and would always try to get some of my Mr. Nasty time, but she was just my friend.

She was hilarious too. She always made me laugh, and I decided to take this Regal over there and park it. I would figure out the rest later.

I made it to Fake Boob Lisa’s place and drove down the side of her house, all the way up to her backyard. Suzy parked the Cadillac in the front of the house. I got out of the Regal and knocked on the backdoor.

Fake Boob Lisa loves to play around, and she was always trying to give me some booty. Sure enough, when I knocked on the door, she opened it wearing a short bathrobe and nothing else, with all of her stuff hanging out.

She put her hand on the top of the door, all seductively like, and said, “I knew you couldn’t resist me any longer. Come to Mama!”  

I said, “Stop playing, Lisa.”

She smiled and crammed all her goods back into the bathrobe. 

Still, she said, “You will give me some, one day.”

I walked in and closed the screen door behind me. 

I said, “Hey, do you want to get some dope super easily? I got something for you, if you will do something for me.”

She said, “Yeah, what do I have to do?”

I told her that it was probably the easiest job she had ever had her whole life.

Lisa was all ears as I took out one of the zips of crack and broke off a big rock from of it. It was about an eighty slab, and Lisa just stared at it.

I told her, “Look, Lisa, we’re friends and I really need you to do something serious for me.”

I opened the screen door a little and told her to look at the Regal parked by the back of her house.

I said, “You see this car, Lisa?”

She said, “Yes.”

I said, “You never saw this car.”

She said, “That’s it?”

I said, “Yeah, and you never saw me either. So, whose car is this?”

Lisa said, “What car?”

I said, “Have you seen me?”

She said, “Nope.”

I gave her the rock with twenty dollars and Lisa closed the door behind me. I put the car keys on the floorboard of the Regal where they could be seen.

I went back to my Cadillac, but I couldn’t get in. I had to move the seat back, as Suzy had scooted it all the way up to the steering wheel.

As I held the button and the seat moved as slow as molasses, Suzy said, “My legs are short. I couldn’t reach the gas pedal.”

I thought this girl was so cute, and she always made a gangster smile.

I said, “I have to get the car back to Harry. I’m going to drop you off for a bit.”

I had a smoker friend named Jojo who didn’t live too far from where we were at. She had a really nice two-floor house, a Mitsubishi Galant, and received free checks every month. She was one of my good customers. I also knew her sons Wayne and Lane. I sold them dope too, and Wayne lived in a trailer behind Jojo’s house.

We went to Jojo’s and I took Suzy inside. I talked to Jojo about letting Suzy stay there for a bit while I went to go and do something. Jojo was all for it and was even being extra nice because she knew I was going to hook her up with some crack.

I left Suzy there and drove back toward Fake Boob Lisa’s house. 

I called Harry’s phone and when he answered I said, “Is this Harry?”

He said, “Yeah, it’s me. This is Czer, right?”

I said, “Yeah, from Green Eyes’ house. Say, are you in town? I thought I saw you drive by.”

Harry said, “Ah man, little Czer! Do you remember that girl I was with that one time?”

I said, “I think so.”

He said, “That girl stole some work from me and my car.”

I was like, “Dang! That’s crazy! Say, how about I drive around, and if I spot your car, I’ll call you back.”

Harry said, “Yeah! Do that for me, Czer. Call me and let me know, huh?”

We hung up and I waited for a while. I served some customers and then I called him back. 

When he answered, I told him I knew where his car was at, and to meet me at the McDonald’s.

When I pulled up, he was already there with three dudes in a car with him.

I got out of my Cadillac and said, “What’s up, Harry?”

We shook hands and I gave his partners a nod.

They all looked at me strange. I wondered if it was because I had stars all over my face. I also had no shirt on, and my whole back is tatted with a huge Dallas star too. I don’t know… 

I just said, “Follow me. It’s not too far.”

I drove off, with Harry not too far behind me. 

I pulled up to a house that was three or four houses from Fake Boob Lisa’s. Harry parked behind me, and I went up to him on the driver’s side and pointed through his windshield at her house.

Harry looked and said, “Who stays there?”

I said, “I don’t know, but there goes the Regal.”

Harry had a serious face on and then pulled out the biggest Desert Eagle .50 caliber gun I have ever seen in my whole life of living! I didn’t even know they made them that big! It was like a handheld cannon!!

When I saw it, in my mind, I was like, “What did I get myself into?” 

When Harry got out of the car, I noticed just how big he was too. He stood tall like a fat basketball or ex-football player.

I was pretty nervous and wondered if he saw the frightened wet poodle look on my face. I leaned against the car and watched him creep toward Lisa’s house.

Personally, I thought this was one hell of a sight to see. I watched as this huge Mexican, in broad daylight, would duck walk through peoples’ yards with the biggest handgun on the planet. I had to catch myself from bursting out laughing when I saw Fake Boob Lisa peek out of her window!

I knew she was still high from the crack I had given her. Not even the most veteran crack smoker could have smoked all of that dope in the amount of time from when I gave it to her without serious affect.

I saw Lisa peeping through the blinds from one window, and then another window. She even peeped through the lower part of the blinds, and then to their highest part.

It was too funny, and I wanted to crack up so bad seeing these crack smoking shenanigans.

Then I saw Lisa turn off the lights in the living room, then the restroom, then the bedroom, all while Harry was in her yard looking like a real-life serial killer.

I just had to hook up Lisa with something else to smoke later. I knew for sure that her high was ruined.

I stayed watching and wondered if Harry was going to see the keys I left on the floorboard. 

He did. 

He jumped in the car, started it, and peeled out of Lisa’s yard at full speed, messing up the grass on her lawn. 

I pictured Lisa not too happy about that, and I promised myself that I was definitely going to hook her up.

I jumped in my Cadillac, and the guys in the other car followed me back to the McDonald’s. 

We all got there and Harry jumped out of the Regal all happy and said, “Thank you, Czer! Thank you!”

He even handed me a few hundred dollar bills.

Yes, I took them. He could afford it. He moved birds, bricks, chickens, keys, blocks, or whatever you wanted to call them.

I shook his hand, and he went his way and I went mine.

I drove back to Jojo’s to scoop up Suzy. 

We got a hotel room, and for the first time, I felt like Suzy and I can be more than just secret lovers. 

I really loved her and we had the best time ever.

We spent time together, went places, did things, and shared each other’s deepest thoughts and feelings. I loved falling asleep with her and her still being there when I woke up.

One time, we were driving and I told her to put a song on that she liked. She said, “I’m not sure if you will like it.”

I said, “If you like it, I’ll love it.”

She put on the song, ‘Apologize’ by One Republic.

I loved it for real and we used to sing it all the time after. We listened to it so much that we knew all the lyrics and said that it was also ‘our’ song. Suzy even made it her ringtone. This time together is some of the happiest moments of my life.

Jojo had called for some dope and her son Wayne was also there asking me for a front of crack. Jojo vouched for him when he said that he was getting a thirteen hundred dollar check soon.

Jojo was the only reason I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I didn’t trust him at all. My instincts stayed on point too.

He did get the check though, and I went over there with Suzy. He paid his debt from the fronts, and I hooked him up with whatever else he wanted to buy. He kept calling over and over spending up his check. He would be in the trailer behind Jojo’s house getting higher than a light pole.

He called so much that we just kicked it at Jojo’s. Suzy chilled there on the carpet watching movies, as I took people dope.

I knew Jojo’s son was running out of money. He went from buying hundreds, to seventy fives, to fifty’s, to forties, to thirties, and then to twenties. Before he could run out of money, the next time he called, I told him to meet me outside by the car.

When he came out, I told him, “Say, Wayne, I know you’re running out of money and I want you to save some for yourself. Here is the twenty you wanted to buy, and here is another twenty for free. Here are five cigarettes, the rest of this blunt, and a Xanax. Smoke up the twenties, pop the Xanax, smoke this blunt, and puff on these cigarettes. Save the rest of your money, and if you call, sorry, bro, I’m not coming.”

Wayne said, “Ah, man. Thanks, little Czer. No one has ever done something like that for me before.”

I said, “I appreciate you spending with me.”

He promised that he was going to chill out for the rest of the night, but in about forty five minutes, he was blowing up my phone. I didn’t answer. I kept answering other calls all night while Suzy stayed at Jojo’s house watching movies.

I served this one customer at a gas station and went inside after to buy myself a strawberry Fanta. As I came out, I saw a candy blue Regal parked right next to my Cadillac. It was Harry, and he called me over to his car.

He said, “Hey, Czer, have you seen my girl?”

I looked at him and said, “No, I haven’t.”

He said, “So, you don’t know my girl Suzy?”

I said, “No, I don’t know her.”

He looked straight ahead for a second and then turned up the sound system. His trunk started knocking hard as he peeled out of the parking lot.

I watched him leave a cloud of smoke and I thought to myself, “This dude has to know.”

I grabbed my phone and started calling Suzy. The ‘Apologize’ song played over and over with no answer. I called Jojo’s phone but she didn’t answer either.

I jumped in the Caddy and sped to Jojo’s house. When I got there, she was in the driveway looking scared and in panic mode. 

I got out of the car and Jojo started yelling, “They took her! They took her, Czer! I couldn’t do anything!”

I said, “Slow down, Jojo, tell me what happened.”

She looked like she was having trouble breathing and was scared out of her mind.

She said, “Please give me something to smoke.”

I gave her a dime, and she pulled out a crack pipe from her bra with a torch lighter. She smoked it right there outside in the driveway. The dope seemed to calm her down.

I said, “So, tell me what happened, Jojo.”

She let out a monster cloud of smoke and said, “They stole your girlfriend. I couldn’t stop them.”

I said, “Who stole her? What did they look like?”

Jojo hit another piece of crack and said, “He was huge with a big beard.”

I thought to myself, “Harry Beard.”

Jojo said that he just walked in the house and snatched Suzy from in front of the TV.

I went inside the house and my heart just broke. On the floor in front of the TV was Suzy’s little snacks. There was a Hostess Coconut Snowball with a tiny little bite out of it. It was wrapped up like she planned to take another tiny little bite out of it later.

Her phone was on the charger, and her purse was open with some of her make-up scattered around everywhere.

A cigarette was still lit in the ashtray, with the filter covered in her lip gloss.

I picked up all of her stuff and put it in her purse.

Readers, Jojo’s son Wayne who lived in the trailer behind her house, he had called Harry. He bought crack from him and was in his feelings when I didn’t answer anymore of his calls. When he saw me with Suzy, he called Harry to tell him that his girlfriend was with me. That’s how Harry knew.

I put Suzy’s purse in the trunk of the Cadillac and drove off all miserable and lonely. My little copilot was gone, and I thought about our little time together. I thought about her smiles and the sound of her laugh. I even played the ‘Apologize’ song over and over torturing myself with grief and utter sadness.

I really missed Suzy. I was in love with her. I could not even call her because I had her phone.

The next day, I got a call from Harry. 

I answered and Harry said, “I really need that phone, Czer.”

I told him he could have it and asked where he wanted to meet. He gave me two streets that crossed each other and a time. I went and grabbed my little .380, just in case he wanted some problems. I’m against violence, but I didn’t trust Harry. I had to protect myself.

I drove over to the meeting spot and he was already there. I got out of the car and went up to the Regal. When I looked inside, Suzy was in the passenger side looking straight ahead with sunglasses on, and three dudes were in the backseat.

I wondered why Harry brought three guys with him and asked him, “Why did you bring all these people? Are we beefing or something?”

Harry said, “No, it’s nothing like that. I just need that phone and purse.”

I handed him the purse with the phone in it. He got it, turned up the bang in the trunk, and as he was putting it in drive, Suzy lifted up her sunglasses to show me that she had a black eye.

Harry peeled off and I didn’t know what to do. I always wanted to protect Suzy and defend her, but as Harry drove away with her, I felt like I had let her down. I felt like I was not there for her when she needed me. I promised myself that I would defend her if there was a next time.

I went back to torturing myself listening to the ‘Apologize’ song. 

I spent time with Terry, but as I looked at her, I couldn’t help but see how her baby dad had some type of hold on her. It didn’t matter how much I liked her, I could not get past that I would always be number two to her.

I spent time with Hailey, but it was no secret that she was waiting for her baby dad to get out of prison.

Loretta was my best friend, and we had a lot of fun together, but no human can compare with the love she had for heroin.

Courtney was locked up and married anyways. 

The other females in my life were just random escapades, Mary, Stacy, Felicia, old school Melissa, big booty Melissa, Destiny, etc.

I imagine that any other guy would be happy with the variety of different women, but me, I just wanted one, where I could rest my head knowing that she was all mine.

I thought of how I was putting Suzy in danger by messing around with her. I didn’t want to be the reason why she was getting hit or beat up by her boyfriend.

I didn’t know what to do. Sex and money easily came to me, but I was looking for something to fill my heart. I thought that it might be Suzy, but I know I had to let her go for her benefit.

A week or so passed when I got a call from Suzy. She sounded all normal, like nothing had happened to her and her having a black eye. She said, “Hey, what are you doing?”

I told her, “I’m doing the same old, same old. What’s up with you having a black eye?”

She said, “It be like that sometimes.”

I did not agree with her, but that’s exactly how I felt in situations in my own life too.

As I had her on the phone, I started to think of how she was hurt because of me. How she was hit because of me. I told her, “Say, Suzy, I think we should chill out. We had fun, but I’m not trying to be the reason why you have black eyes and bruises.”

She said, “Czer, I have been dealing with this for a long time. I will be okay. Now, come and pick me up. I miss you.”

I tried not to listen to her, but she convinced me when she said, “I will be okay, if I can spend some time with you. I love you.”

I loved her too, and there was nothing more that I wanted but to see her pretty face and hear her laugh.

I went to scoop her up and we picked up exactly where we left off. 

This went on for months. I would pick her up and drop her off almost daily, and it kind of felt like we were in a real relationship. I know that I was just blinded by my feelings though.

Love is crazy, right?

One day, this smoker called me and said, “Hey, Czer, I need your help. I stole my wife’s money and rented a hotel room with it.” 

I said, “Why would you do that?” 

He said, “Because I was about to call you for something to smoke so I could get high in the room, but I got caught by my wife.” 

This guy was pretty cool and I have been selling to him for a long time. I even knew his wife. 

I said, “So what do you want from me?” 

He said, “I need some money and I will give you the room I rented.” 

I said that I didn’t want it, but he started telling me about the Jacuzzi in it, the kitchen, two beds, porn, and a view of the ocean. He told me the name of the hotel and it was a pretty nice place that I had thought about staying at one day. 

I said, “What do you want for it?” 

He said he wanted what he paid for it, a hundred and sixty dollars. 

I said, “I don’t want it that bad. Where is the discount?” 

He said, “Please, Czer, my wife is so mad at me.” 

I said, “Where is your wife now?” 

He said, “She’s right here, staring at me with the stank eye.” 

I thought that was pretty funny and I told him that I would give him a hundred dollars. 

He whispered really low, “Can you slip me a twenty rock to smoke too?” 

I said, “Dang, you don’t learn?” He stayed quiet and I told him, “I got you. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.” 

I went over there and he was outside with his wife, and she did look pretty mad at him. 

I got out of the car and she was like, “Hey, Czer, I’m glad you can help out.” 

I said, “It’s all good,” as I gave the dude a hundred dollar bill with a twenty rock wrapped up in it. 

He told me which room it was and gave me the card key. They left and I went inside to see what this room was talking about. 

I opened the door and it looked like some fancy rich person would rent a room like this. It was so big that you could probably throw a Frisbee back and forth in it. 

As I examined the high class luxurious Jacuzzi, Suzy hit my phone. I answered and she was like, “Hey, sexy, when are you going to let me get some of that?” 

I said, “Right now. I just got a room with a hot tub in it.” 

She was like, “What?! Come get me! I’ll bring some bubble bath!” 

I said, “Alright, I’ll text you when I get close.” 

I took care of some customers and headed over to the white car. I scooped her up and Suzy was all smiles when she showed me a bikini she’d brought, along with some raspberry bubble bath, a huge bottle of lotion, and matching toothbrushes with toothpaste. 

We were all giggling and she told me how she was about to go surfing, and that I was the surf board. She always had me smiling and laughing hard. 

We got to the room and both started examining everything. How the Jacuzzi worked, what channels they had, and we even planned to cook something in the kitchen. 

My phone rang and it was Green Eyes. 

I answered and said, “What’s up, my brother from another mother?” 

He said, “I need you, little Czer. Can you come over here?” 

I said, “For sure, I’ll be there in about forty.” 

I hung up and Suzy said, “Was that Green Eyes?” 

I said, “Yeah, I have to go over there real quick.” 

She said, “Do you think he will say something to Harry?” 

I told her, “Green Eyes does not care about any of that. He is strictly about his money.” I hugged her and held onto her for a bit. I loved to rest my chin on her head, as every time I did, I would always smell the fruity smelling shampoo that she used. 

I said, “It will take about thirty minutes to get there, and thirty minutes back. We’ll give Green Eyes about two hours with whatever he is calling me for, so I should be back in no longer than three hours.” 

She looked up at me with her big brown eyes, and it’s crazy how so many words were passed between us without any words actually spoken. We kissed and I told her that I would be back in no time. 

I left a fresh pack of cigarettes and some money for pizza. I jumped in the Caddy and headed to Green Eyes’ spot.

When I got there, as I was getting out of the car as Green Eyes was coming toward me. He told me to get back in. 

I got in and he got in. 

He told me he needed me to take him somewhere, and then he pulled out a long gym sock full of heroin.

In the penitentiary, prisoners used to tie an ID clip to a sock and clip the sock to their boxers so it can be hidden between their legs. That’s how Green Eyes had it, old prison style.

I saw all the dope and it was a really nice amount. He said that he needed me to take him to a couple of spots to drop off.

I told him, “It’s not a problem, but I don’t have a driver’s license and we’re in a Cadillac.”

He said it was all good, so I drove off to help him take care of whatever he needed.

I took him here, and I took him there. I was doing my best to mind my own business, but I could not help but to notice that Green Eyes sure did make a lot of money. I wondered if he made that much money every day.

I watched him drop off ounces left and right like it was nothing. He picked up racks on racks and I never asked him why he needed me to take him to all those places. He filled up my gas tank and I dropped him off.

I headed back to the hotel, and on the drive back I was going to call Suzy, but I decided to just hurry up and get there.

As I was pulling up to the hotel parking lot, guess who else was pulling up? It was Harry!

In my head, I was like, “What the eff?”

I parked, and he parked. 

I reached up under my seat and grabbed onto my .380.

I got out of my car as he got out of his.

I walked to the hotel room Suzy was in, as he walked to the hotel room Suzy was in.

When we were parallel with each other, he saw me. 

I said, “What are you doing here, Harry?”

Before he could answer, Suzy poked her head out of the room. The look on her face was shocked, in an “I’m sorry” kind of way.

Harry said in a loud, deep voice, full of authority and control, “Come on, Suzy, we’re leaving!”

I said, “No, Suzy. You don’t have to leave. You can stay right here with me.”

Harry stepped in front of me and said, “I know you’re effing my girl.”

I said, “She can stay here if she wants to. I don’t want you hitting her anymore.”

Harry said it even louder, “Suzy! Get in the car now! We are leaving!”

I said, “You don’t have to, Suzy. I am here. I am here for you. You can stay.”

Suzy put her head down and walked to the Regal. She got in and closed the door.

I was so hurt. I could not believe that she was going to leave.

Harry looked at me with a smirk on his stupid face and got in the car. He turned up the bang in the trunk and peeled out of the parking lot. That was the third time he stunted on me like that, and I didn’t like it.

I tried to hide my hurt feelings by keeping my mind on my money and tossing up some white girls. Tossing up Loretta and some friends with benefits, but nothing could get my mind off of Suzy.

I was arrested a little while after for some no driver’s license tickets. 

I hated going to that county because a lot of gangs there didn’t like me because I was blasting out of Dallas.

I was chilling and minding my own business when I saw this guy steady looking at me. I tried to ignore him, but he kept on staring at me. I thought he wanted some smoke, or wanted to fight me, so I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, let’s get this over with.”

He shocked me when he said, “Are you Czer?”

I had never seen this guy in my life, but he knew me somehow. 

I said, “Where do you know me from?”

He said, “I was there when all that happened with Harry and Suzy. I was there that night.”

I had no idea what he was talking about.

He said, “Yeah, Harry and Suzy came back and they were arguing about you. He was yelling at her and calling her every name in the book. Suzy said she was leaving and started packing stuff into a backpack – shampoo, clothes, other stuff.”

I said, “Then what happened?”

He said, “Harry took her phone and told her to leave and to never come back. So, Suzy took off, walking back to your spot.”

I said, “She was walking back to me?”

He said, “Yeah, but Harry jumped in his car and ran her over. He ran her over and killed her.”

Readers, I can’t explain how I felt. I can barely explain how I feel now. I wish I would have followed my first mind when I thought that I should leave her alone. I should have listened to my instincts, but now she is gone forever, and I can’t bring her back. I can’t even tell her I’m sorry.

Readers, please follow your instincts and first mind. Most of the time it is the right thing to do, especially if it’s a positive thing.

I dedicate this to Suzy. She meant a lot to me and I don’t think I will ever meet someone else who can make me feel the way she made me feel, the way she made my soul feel alive.

Until this very day, every time I hear the ‘Apologize’ song, or the ‘With You’ song, I think about her. I think of our time together that was cut way too short, and she will forever have a place in my heart.

Whoever said that death was easy has no idea what they are talking about. My heart still aches for her and I think it always will.

Rest in peace, Suzy. I love you.