October
By Jared Ribardi
Missing you is a pain that is plush. Softly compelling me to extinguish a flame that burns with selfless love for you all. My flesh, my blood. I’ve cried a many a night, and felt the sting of tears in my eyes that would lay the largest men low. I say I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m a sorry human being. With flaws and misgivings. I HAVE ISSUES! In truth, I’m troubled! Troubled that I let things go so far. Troubled by my own past. By a past that was placed on to me by those who have claimed to care. Oh they cared alright. They cared so much that they forced their care on me. But it’s not an excuse, and does not excuse my misgivings.
You deserved so much more. I became the monster I feared. And while it’s easy to say it was pushed on me, you have become the ultimate destruction of my venomous past. All I can do is to hope you become aware that we now share a common, if not all to often similar definition of self. But please know, nothing was because of you. You did nothing wrong. Your objectivity and accessibility we’re your greatest enemies. And while everything in my mind screams “NO” the compulsion placed on me by our common enemy became your and my demise.
Sitting here, contemplating the past leads to so many questions. And inevitably, guilt. But the truth is I’m not guilty of a thing. Same as you. Nothing you did caused any of this. People did. Some you know and are closest to you and claim to love and care for you. Others you will never get to meet and count yourself blessed. You are growing and have grown. I never spoke to you below your station. And will not now. I hope that we get the chance to talk. And if that talking leads to anger, and screaming, and accusations, and heartlessness, just know that no matter I will always love you. I loved you long before I knew you. When I contemplated your existence long before your conception. My heart is yours, my life is yours. You are my first, last and always! You are me and I you!
Lost and Can’t Be Found
By Jared Ribardi
Lost and can’t be found.
Wondering aimlessly among the worms and dirt.
You buried me deep in the recess. So deep
and dark. Discarded with the garbage like
there was no me.
Vivid memories of smiles and wonder.
But, yet I am. In my darkness I’ve found
what couldn’t be found. ME. The ME you
suppressed. The ME that you thought you’d
buried. What woe for you to find me among the
worms. A bloom. Watered from internal springs.
Far beyond you reach of destruction and gloom.
I’ll no longer be strangled with your lies. Your deceit.
For you can not destroy what you cannot give birth
to. Like the ones cut from your womb. And while you
carried burdens yourself, and buried yourself deep,
yes you. I groaned and cried. From the darkness and
blindness you chose to live in. One made from your
own demons. You were loved, and now not missed.
Not one tear. But for the ones who’s lives you have
spat on. I am in bloom. A bloom that nothing can
hinder. Behold, the progress you hindered.
For Mary, may you be at peace, for you will
not find mercy among the lies. Truth is to blinding!
What I Miss?
By Jared Ribardi
For Halley Ribardi, Patrick Burney, Sophia Ribardi, Abigail Ribardi, and John Jay Ribardi.
May your days be bright and full of light and love!
Time has passed, so much lost. Sleeplessness, worry, concern, and fear. But time has passed. Like a dreamy friend who comes to call, only to rob you blind. Time has passed. Like a dreamy friend who comes to call, only to rob you blind. Time has passed. Endless wakings and sleepless sleep. Time has passed. Days, weeks, months, years, and age. Oh age. Time has passed. This dream, this life, this endless dharma, so sweet it’s bitter. Time has passed. My waking to find this friend long gone, and with them all that was dreamed. Robbed blind by this friend so long endeared and loathed. Time has passed.
Robbed of so much held dear, but yet so much dearly given. On the day that I’d fight this thief, I find only a dream. A dream of time. And, time has passed. In having lost all, to gain so much the more. To experience what time was yet to give, brought on by the thief. Time has passed. I search for you thief. Give me what my dreams have brought. A karmatic release and loss to experience only to be dreamed once. Time has passed.
Who are you thief? What name do I give to the keeper of my life’s blood? What do I call the one that only can be found in a dream, but yet robs our every waking moment? Time, you are past.
Waking, what did I miss?
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